Staying safe is a product of any number of things, and obviously this applies especially in the world of BDSM-related dating where it can be even easier for dangerous people to hide behind a veil of D/s type activities.
I’ve written before that newbies should do as I say, not as I do because what I SAY about safety actually makes a lot more objective sense than what I DO.
The reasons for that are many but the bottom line is that I trust my judgement. I feel like I am calling upon the gods of vengeance in saying that (“we’ll show her!”), but it’s true.
Unsafe things that I have happily done at first meetings with submissive men:
- Met without knowing his full name or details
- Met without telling anyone where I was going or with whom
- Brought him home to play after a drink and a chat
- Picked him up in my car at a meeting point, brought him home
- Had him pick me up in his car at a meeting point, went to his house
- Took him to my hotel room to play
- Invited him stay at my house for a few days
- Went to his house at night, let myself in, went into his bedroom (that was holy-fuck-beautiful-eyes in case you were wondering *smile*)
- Went to his house to play without knowing his full name
I don’t want to downplay the risks, because they exist and I don’t want to sound like I’m encouraging other women to take them. I acknowledge those risks, but in none of those situations did I feel even a flicker of doubt or fear, nor did I feel like I was being cavalier with my safety.
I’m thinking about this because if you were to ask me how or why I felt safe, I can’t give you a credible answer.
I’ve recently been contacted by a ridiculously hot submissive who lives just over an hour away and who is only interested in something casual. Casual is totally not my thing, but for 6’3 of ‘ridiculously hot’, I’m testing to see if I feel like making an exception. For me, this context is strange and foreign because even though I did all of the above, the context was never ‘meeting for casual play’, and for me that changes things.
The best I can come up with is the theory that in all of those above situations, we were exploring the possibility of some kind of D/s relationship (HFBE is the exception in that), and that means that when we communicated prior to meeting, we organically fell into a kind of D/s dynamic because that’s how we related. In THAT context, I had the opportunity to feel them out for the kind of men they were in non-traditional ways.
By that I mean that it allowed me opportunities to quietly let them know if they were behaving in ways that I didn’t like and see how they reacted. A history littered with proof that they would happily accept what I said and adjust their behaviour accordingly gave me valuable insight into how they dealt with being told ‘no’.
If they responded by listening, paying attention, and changing their behaviour happily because that’s what I wanted, I would come to learn that they could be trusted to respect my preferences. This versus defensiveness or petulance or some kind of passive aggressive sulking or any of those other signs that would indicate that he cared more about getting what he wanted than he did about what I wanted, and that wouldn’t bode well for respecting boundaries in highly charged situations.
Of course it can be faked, but over time, it’s hard for most predators to be both patient and consistent and these interactions required both.
This works the same in a vanilla context also of course, but I do think that I have more opportunities for it in D/s because it’s not a surprise that I might voice my preferences for his behaviour and expect him to comply (that is, it’s not necessarily that he’s doing anything ‘wrong’, just that I prefer something else, and it’s not ‘normal’ behaviour in a vanilla context to voice those things and expect someone to take it on board).
I think there’s more to it than that, but it’s the only concrete thing I can point to and say ‘I think that helps’. The rest is unquantifiable beyond ‘I just know’.
And all that to say that no matter how tall or hot he may be, the 6’3 hottie has to make me feel safe or it ain’t happening, and I’m not sure how easy that will be since we aren’t exploring a D/s relationship and meeting up involves some 2.5 hours travel so a few coffee dates before deciding whether to play, while doable, is hardly convenient.