I had my first non-solo orgasm with my boyfriend when I was about 16 or 17.
I was in my last year of high school, he was a year or two older, was at university.
Unlike other girls of my age, our dates involved going out for dinner. I don’t know why. Maybe I saw it in movies and insisted that that was what a date looked like. We would mostly go to a pub that wasn’t too far away and eat in their bistro. I’m sure I thought it was terribly sophisticated. I can’t recall if we would go to a club to dance or something afterwards.
At the end of the night, we would inevitably go and park by the bayside, views of the water, and I have vague recollections of the back seat. We weren’t having penetrative sex. I wasn’t ready for that. No doubt he wanted to, and probably hassled me a bit in the way horny boys do. I really can’t remember.
There was kissing (lovely!), touching, rubbing, oral (on me, I don’t remember reciprocating), always culminating in an uncomfortable boring hand job, he’d come and phew, it was done. While I liked the physical sensation and would get aroused, overall it was not enjoyable, not sexy, not something I looked forward to. I thought it was kind of ‘icky’. Maybe I thought it would get better as I got more experienced. Or maybe I just thought this is what you did. Or some combination.
In short, I’d guess it was pretty typical of the way that many early teenage sexual experiences go.
One day we were sitting in my living room and goodness knows I have no recollection of how this conversation started, but he asked me if I came with him. I looked at him as if he was insane. It never occurred to me to lie about it.
He was genuinely shocked by this. I never faked it, so I don’t know why he was so surprised. I had always assumed (we never talked about it) that he had much more experience than me, but in hindsight, I now wonder if that was a mistaken assumption on my part.
He was disappointed with himself and felt bad for me (his heart was in the right place, bless), so he offered to go down on me there on the living room floor in the middle of the day. My parents were out, I said okay then (how sexy, right?).
He did, and I concentrated. Hard. I’d come a million times on my own, but never with another person and there were a hundred voices in my head getting in my way. It seemed to take forever, and I had to fight not to stop him for fear he was bored or over it or it wasn’t going to happen. And finally I came in his mouth.
About 2 seconds after that we heard my parents come home, so we grabbed up all of our clothes in a panic and scuttled into my room to hurriedly dress.
When I ended that relationship, I still hadn’t had penetrative sex. I still wasn’t interested in it. And despite my orgasms (I assume I had more with him but I can’t remember that either), the sex we had was still not fun for me. I still never felt what I thought I should be feeling. It felt kind of like a chore that went with having a relationship, and this even though he was a caring partner who was genuinely interested and concerned about my pleasure. It just… didn’t work for me.
And then, I fell in love with another woman, and learnt what sex *should* feel like.
Dammit, I want to say ALL THE THINGS. And I just … can’t. So thank you for saying it for us.
Jerusalem Mortimer has said that he thinks a lot of our sexual response is learned, and that our culture makes it harder for women to learn what works for them. It’s depressing how right he is.
*smile* Thank you for commenting and for the link.
You know what I realised after writing this? I was fucking LUCKY with him. He asked about my orgasm, he cared about what I said, he wanted to make it better for me. I’m not sure that reflects most young women’s experience.
This post was prompted by yet ANOTHER young woman posting somewhere that she’d been having sex with her boyfriend for x months and STILL hadn’t come (via intercourse) and how could she FIX this flaw in herself. Often there’s the implication that her boyfriend also thinks there’s something wrong with her. Ugh. Makes me fucking ragey!!
… I still wasn’t interested in it. And despite my orgasms (I assume I had more with him but I can’t remember that either), the sex we had was still not fun for me. I still never felt what I thought I should be feeling. It felt kind of like a chore that went with having a relationship, and this even though he was a caring partner who was genuinely interested and concerned about my pleasure. It just… didn’t work for me.”
And sometimes, this happens after years of marriage and partnership, and both sides of the relationship are at a loss. Repair work doesn’t happen because, well, because one partner has no interest. Bad time to discover an interest in Femdom and D/s.
I’m sorry if you are describing your own situation :(.
You are right, of course. There are a myriad of reasons for feeling this way, and a stagnating long term relationship is a really common and unfortunate one.
I hope you find a way through, or out, or whatever works best for you.
Once again… I’m glad I’m not the only woman who felt this way.. Jeez I soo need girlfriends.. Lol
*laugh* Oh gosh: a quick search on the internet will reassure you that you are by no possible measure the only one.
This just reminded me: I had a girlfriend who was with a man for 9 years from when she was really young. He was her first. She never understood the big deal about sex, but we never did ‘girlie’ talks, so I had no idea about her sex life.
She travelled overseas with me and on the first night she had a one-night-stand with some random guy she picked up in a bar. She had the first orgasm OF HER LIFE! OF. HER. LIFE!!!
The next day, she spilled it all (I never knew (or asked) about her sex life): she was beside herself with shock (understandably). She was also SO FUCKING ANGRY AND SAD about 9 years worth of ignorance and bad sex. Phew.