Scary critters

This has nothing at all to do with BDSM or D/s, but LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SPIDER!!

Huntsman spider
Huge fucking zombie spider

I walked into the kitchen yesterday morning and there it was. Lurking above the coffee machine. ABOVE THE COFFEE MACHINE! And I hadn’t had any coffee!! *sob*

I sat in the lounge room tweeting the horror and trying to convince myself that it was dead (I mean, its legs were all weirdly curled and such, even though I was all ‘if it’s dead, how is it staying on the wall?’ I attributed that to secret spider bizns because I really really REALLY wanted it to be dead).

Then I tentatively made coffee right under the maybe-dead giant killer spider on the wall (because I had to have coffee!) while I tried to figure out what to do. I decided that I’d leave it and see if it moved in the next hour or so.

If it didn’t move, it was dead. Yay.

But then it moved. Boo. Boo and holy fucking nooooo!!

So I got a plastic container, and about 20 sheets of paper to trap it (20 sheets of paper because I figured it would just crawl out if I was relying on a sheet or two to hold it in the container).

I had a couple of practice runs at smacking the container up against the wall, high up, to make sure I could reach and aim accurately. Because those fuckers are FAST and if you miss, you won’t get another chance.

My reach was dicey, so I climbed up onto the kitchen counter instead, all terrified and such and slowly slowly inched the container towards the spider until I did a final *smack* against the wall. I trapped the end of one of its legs under the edge and it did a whole bunch of creepy mad frantic scuttling *shudder*.

I slid it down the wall and got the 20 thick sheets of paper under it while it went mental in the container pretty much as you’d expect an angry crazed killer spider to behave.

A few deep breaths and I walked it out to my third floor balcony and threw it over. I resisted screaming “I win, fucker!” as I did.

It sailed down three stories gracefully, eight legs splayed, landed on the grass and scuttled away.


For the spider nerds, it’s a huntsman. They are generally considered harmless, and I only found out after the saga that they are, in fact, venomous, but they rarely bite and aren’t going to kill you. It makes me laugh that in Australia a huge venomous spider would be called ‘harmless’… fucking Australians, man.

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  1. EEEK kill it, kill it with fire! even the bloody sheep are venomous in Aus and they wonder where the bloody hell are we ? Under the covers where it’s safe that’s where

      1. It also occurs that this would be yet another occasion where a cattle prod would prove invaluable *nods wisely*

  2. Good evening Ma’am,

    That certainly doesn’t look like the itsy, bitsy spider that went up the water spout. Lots of nursery rhymes with lots of creepy characters. No wonder the mental health field is so busy. You are certainly more generous than I would have been. They come into my house they die!
    I would have also been shopping for a new coffee maker. Too close for comfort. Let’s hope he doesn’t return.


  3. Spiders are creepy. They just don’t think like us and have venom. It makes it hard to think rationally when confronted with them. And that one looks relatively large, making it even worse.

    You handled that well! The plastic container was a great idea, and releasing into the outdoors was so much better than killing it and making a mess of spider guts inside.

    Kudos to you!

    (Where are your minions to deal with these pesky, irritating parts of life, anyway? smile)

    1. It was GIGANTIC!

      My minions were nowhere to be seen. This is also the case when I want wine, breakfast, my feet rubbed, an orgasm…


  4. Oh, and I have found that a stiff piece of cardboard or paperboard is usually easier to slide the plastic container over (or visa versa) than a lot of paper towels.

    Just in case you need to do this again.

    And having a dedicated, well-sized plastic container and paperboard is worth keeping on hand for future incidents…

    1. Silly, not paper towels (how on earth would that even work?!).

      I used printer paper. 20 sheets, so hey, it’s kind of like having a piece of cardboard :P.

      I’m smart and creative you know.


  5. A friend of mine just shared a picture of a spider she killed as well. We live in the US. It bit her cats face! Her cat was swollen afterwards but “ok”.
    What is with the spiders this year!
    I am NOT sure I would have been as brave as you!
    However I am SURE I would have been yelling FUCK YOU SPIDER as it flew through the air!!
    Good job!

    1. I’ll bet the cat was all “Hey spider *boop*, whatcha doin’? *boop boop* Wanna play? *boop boopboop* HEY… WAAAAAAHHHHH!!! MOOOOMMMM!!”

      When the choice is between ‘do nothing and know there is a giant spider in the house and never sleep again’ and ‘get rid of the giant spider in the house’, I’m not sure there’s much choice.

      And yeah, not yelling about my victory was a challenge *laugh*.


  6. I’m so glad nothing like that has gotten into my apartment. My room mate would want to keep it. She’d be like, “I looked it up on the internet and it’s not aggressive. I bet it even eats mosquitoes!… Let’s keep it!”

    It would wind up being another mouth to feed, along with a parrot and three cats. “Could you please feed Gertrude for me before you go to work? If she’s not hanging out over the coffee pot, she’s probably in the cabinet under the sink. Thanks!”

    1. Oh god. I’d be all ‘this fucker is going to try and EAT MY FACE!’

      Well, okay, more realistically: ‘this fucker is going to terrify me over and over by popping up from behind shit (HELLO!!!), and maybe being in my bed when I get in, and possibly crawling on my face while I’m asleep, and I will wake up with a GIANT SPIDER ON MY FACE’.

      I’d be a ball of nerves in no time!


  7. Ferns,
    While working in Hobart a while back, I had a similar experience with a huntsman, and a similar reaction – I can still see/feel/hear its response to me and my cursing rant as it scrambled to evade me (hiding under curtains). I wasn’t as humane as you, however and killed it. The next day I was surprised to find that my coworkers could not AT ALL sympathize, and some were actually angry that I had killed it, you would have thought it was their personal pet from their response. I was told it wasn’t even a ‘real’ spider and though it has venom, it can’t bite a human. But sheez, it sure LOOKS like a spidr that can eat your face! It’s certainly large enough to grab hold of your head! Still no empathy! Fucking australians.

    1. *laugh* I can well imagine the reactions.

      “But it’s HARMLESS!” (though it can SO bite humans, I looked it up, AND it’s venomous which I didn’t know)!!!

      Fucking Australians!


  8. I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but Huntsmans come in mating pairs.

    I thought I should warn you, because if you get rid of one, the other will sometimes come looking for it.

  9. I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but Huntsmans come in mating pairs.

    I thought I should warn you, because if you get rid of one, the other will sometimes come looking for YOU.

    There fixed for you, Ferns you’re DOOMED

  10. As an Australian, I can still get a little spooked by huntsman spiders. They really are harmless, but they have an annoying habit of hiding behind things and running out when disturbed. I’ve found them between the pages of a hanging calendar, between papers on my desk, between window blinds etc.. They’re natural habitat is between loose/flaky pieces of bark on trees or in rock crevasses, so that’s what they look for inside.

    We always try to catch them and put them outside. They are good for controlling cockroaches and between the two, cockroaches gross me out more.

    FYI Most Australians grew up with this chart stuck on the fridge:

    I’ve come across most of those spiders at some point. Huntsmans are the least of our worries.

    1. Surely it would have been easier to just put ” SPIDERS every single bloody one of them is nasty to deadly” on that poster ?


    2. I’m Australian and I’ve never seen that chart in my life. Just as well, it’s terrifying!

      And cockroaches gross me out more also (though it’s a tough call: cockroaches win by sheer numbers and refusal to die).

      Did you know that Huntsmans are venomous? I never knew that. Bloody Wikipedia.

      “I’ve found them between the pages of a hanging calendar, between papers on my desk, between window blinds etc.”

      Eek! That reminds me of this photo :).


  11. Jesus H. Fucking Christ!!!! If anyone had any reason to doubt your credentials as a badass motherfucker, they won’t any more!

    You’re my hero, Ferns!


    1. *smile* Well hello there you. Long time no see, Anon.

      Who would ever doubt my badass motherfucker credentials?! Come on now!


  12. If it helps, the original picture is not of a healthy specimen. I’d have nabbed it for a few days of rehabilitation, hydration and feeding before I’d have let it go back outside, but I like arachnids rather a lot. Wouldn’t give much for its chances of making it too much farther on its own.

    Why, oh why, do people who do not love these things happen upon them for free, while hobbyists in the States have to place quite expensive orders to get specimens anywhere near as large and lovely? Alas.

  13. If it helps, the original picture is not of a healthy specimen.”

    I guess that would explain a) why it was out in the open and b) why it was all curled up like that.

    Alas indeed: I’d have been happy to let you have it for free!


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