It was supposed to be tomorrow night. Yesterday we were finalising plans. Today he told me that a woman he had been on a few dates with had expressed serious interest in him this morning, and he was equally interested in her. Given that had arisen, he didn’t think it would be right to go ahead with the kissing date.
Understandably, relationship-potential trumps stranger-kissing.
He offered a chaste meal-and-conversation date instead: I declined. I mentioned before that we aren’t a match and one of the reasons for the ‘no talking’ approach was because I don’t believe we would get on all that well.
Is the story true, or did he just get cold feet? I have no idea. It doesn’t matter really.
But wow, am I ever disappointed. I HATE being disappointed. It’s one of my least favourite things EVER.
Normally I manage my expectations very carefully because I hate being disappointed so much. When I talk about being reserved, being the opposite of emotionally fearless, that’s part of what I mean. I normally hold everything in check until I feel like I trust someone enough to feel safe to start letting down walls.
But with this, the scope was SO VERY LIMITED, that I didn’t check myself. I mean, it wasn’t a ‘potential partner’ or ‘possible love’, or any of the big things that were going to land me flat on my face if it went wrong. It was a kissing date!
So I got excited about it, I enjoyed the interactions with him so very much, I felt that lovely build up of expectation, I savoured the idea, turned it over in my head in different ways, I made plans, I thought about it, and him, a lot with the happy, bouncy thrill of anticipation.
So now, I am disappointed. And man, disappointment sucks. And it’s worse because I blame myself in part because I didn’t manage my emotions like I normally do. I allowed myself to feel ALL THE GOOD FEELS with abandon. And even though they were pretty small-time feels in the scheme of things, the let down is made worse by an annoying voice whispering in my head “Well, that’ll teach you to allow this joyful anticipation to run around unchecked! You know better, but you still let it happen, idiot.” And I hate that. I don’t want to be that person (though really, I am already and normally that person).
TL;DR: No kissing date. Fucking disappointed. Sucks.