Reader Q&A: Energy in play and kissing dates

Advice and thoughts on nicknames, getting your needs met, building energy in play, and the intricacies of kissing dates.


Hey there,
I’m an aspiring Domme. But I haven’t found a name I’m happy with yet. Any suggestions?
~Goddess _________

Hello there!

*smile* You are starting your name with ‘Goddess’ and you are asking someone who goes by ‘Ferns’. I think I can safely say “I got nothin'”.

My only advice is to pick something that is meaningful to you for whatever reason, and make it something that isn’t going to have you rolling your eyes at yourself a few months down the track. Imagine not just a devoted submissive calling you that, but your peers, your friends, random strangers. You can always change your nickname, but once people know you by it, that becomes a bigger and bigger hassle.

Good luck!



What are your guesses for this year’s super bowl ?

I don’t know. I don’t follow American basketball.



I found your blog (and book!) recently. I *loved* what you wrote musing on how women find their dominance; it is very like how I got to this moment, right now, with this man. Interestingly, he was a very experienced sub, I was a very experienced sub, this was actually a bit of an accident that might never have happened. But it did. <3

Thank you so much for the lovely note!! I’m so glad you got something out of my writing.

Exciting times for you both!! Best of luck *smile*.



I am a submissive man, with a burning desire to make my Domme more sensitive to my needs. Are there some classic strategies to encourage the Domme to be more interested in the subs feelings and needs?

Yes! You talk to her about your feelings and needs. There’s no magic wand here.

And if she says ‘Whatevs, don’t care’, maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

A D/s relationship is a relationship. Both parties should be happy. Not “Wheeee! All the time super ecstatic!!”, but on balance, happiness should win out, and the negative feelings that are inevitable in ALL relationships should be fleeting, inconsequential in the scheme of things, and they should pass quickly.

So talk to her: Be specific about what is bothering you (not some general ‘You aren’t interested in my feelings and needs’ because that’s not descriptive and it’s not actionable), don’t lay blame because that puts a person on the defensive, and have some possible solutions ready for things that will make you feel cared for. Best case, she hears you clearly and is keen to work on addressing the issues.

I wish you the best in sorting it out.



Hi Ferns! Firstly, I want to thank you for your blog–it’s one of the first I discovered when I started learning that BDSM was a real-world option, not just something weird and creepy off tv that I had urges towards. Reading your entries did a lot to dispel my concerns (and get me hot and bothered instead)!

So, this is my question: I’m a thus-far mostly-submissive female switch looking to explore my more dominant side with a male partner who’s in a similar situation. I know I enjoy doing things that provoke a reaction, but I have no real idea about how to structure a scene. For example, I know I like hurting people when they enjoy it, but how do I build energy up and back down again so it’s fulfilling for my partner? What sort of responses should I look for? And how do I plan something carefully enough for my partner to enjoy it without it feeling over-planned (and forced and boring to myself as a result?) I’d really appreciate any suggestions you might have!

Thank you,



Hi Jasmine,

I’m so very pleased that you got something out of my writing, thank you for saying so!! *beam*

“how do I build energy up and back down again so it’s fulfilling for my partner? What sort of responses should I look for? And how do I plan something carefully enough for my partner to enjoy it without it feeling over-planned (and forced and boring to myself as a result?)”

These are great and nuanced question, and really hard to answer generically.

Given I don’t know you or your partner, I can only give really general thoughts, so here goes, random thoughts.

Firstly, I’d say that if you have experience as a submissive, think about what really worked for you. Use some of that.

I completely understand your concern about over-planning. I think if you are finding your feet, planning really small, short, focussed play can help you grow confidence and get into the swing of things. One or maybe two things (e.g. The plan: restraints, stroking, then cane). Every time doesn’t have to be an operatic saga, sometimes a catchy little pop tune is just fine. And it’s never a bad thing to leave you both wanting more. And think of the plan as a guideline, nothing more. If the first thing is going really well, just stick with it and expand it, and forget the second.

I love the question about energy. I’m SO not a woo woo person, but I understand exactly what you mean by it. But wow, it’s hard to answer. Sometimes when I play, I just don’t get the energy going that I want. That play is still fun and such, but it’s a VERY different feeling from when it all ‘works’. And that’s okay. It’s no different from vanilla sex with your partner: some days it’s ‘ordinary’ and some days it blows your mind, and BOTH of those are good. So I guess I’m saying: If the energy doesn’t quite work, but it’s still fun, don’t sweat it.

For me, how I build it is all about my partner’s reactions, but with the kinds of submissives I like, I FEED him my energy and he absorbs it and throws it back at me tenfold, and that’s how it cycles into something amazing. So a big part of it for me is being in the right headspace myself (excited, crackling with desire, itching to get my hands on him, all that). I can’t fake that shit (a reason why casual doesn’t work for me). And I then tap at him to find the button where I can GIVE him that and ‘make’ him send it back to me so I can build it (holy hell, how ‘woo woo’ can I get here?).

In a practical sense, what does that look like? I often start small with touching and kissing, and I play with that a bit to see when I get a reaction I like. What reaction? Ugh. THAT sigh, THAT look, THAT fire, THAT sinking into it… you know, THAT *laugh*. And it’s different every time. Sometimes a small kiss on his forehead will have him spinning, and that feeds the cycle. Sometimes he’s oblivious for quite a while and I wonder if the play is going to fall a little flat, but then I might do a thing (slap him, bite his ear, whatever), and I feel the return, and I can go down that rabbit hole and take him with me.

All of that gets easier as I get to know him better, am able to read his reactions more easily, and guide them. One of the reasons I like the boys who are willing and able to make themselves vulnerable is because they signal every feeling and emotion at me like a beacon, which, apart from making this all so much easier, is So. Incredibly. Hot. Guh!

I have no doubt that you will do just great! Lucky him (and you!).



So are these kissing dates real short? Not even time for a hello? Nice shoes? How’s my hair? Enough foreplay? There are some special places people like to have kissed, are they included?

*laugh* I am the pioneer of kissing dates and this is my first one, so there is no definitive answer to this. Yet.

BUT all going well, aw hell no. Not short! Kissing is a leisurely activity that needs to be drawn out and enjoyed to the fullest extent. That requires a slow and gentle start, an excruciating build up in type and intensity of kissing, leading to a peak of aggressive aching desire and need. Then a regretful and sweet slide down from it on the other side.

Kissing is so hugely underrated as an activity in and of itself, I can’t even tell you.

There will be a ‘hello’, but there will be no talk of shoes, hair, weather, how was your day or any of that mundane crap that we all do to get along in interactions with others. Kissing, is all.

The foreplay will be light touching, gentle kissing: I want to kiss his fingers, touch my lips to the palm of his hand, I want to stroke his face, trace his lips with a fingertip, see if his mouth opens to me when I apply a little pressure… all of those amazing things that are part of kissing.

And the ‘special places’ are neither included or excluded from kissing *smile*. That will depend on how I feel, and how it goes.



Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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  1. “Kissing is so hugely underrated as an activity in and of itself, I can’t even tell you.”

    I couldn’t agree with you more! I personally could never get enough of kissing. There are so many things you can say with just kissing and so many places you can go with just kissing. I want to kiss damnit! *sighs*


    1. I know, right?

      I think that once we get past adolescence, we let go of the concept of kissing for the sheer unadulterated pleasure of it. When you grow up, kissing is nearly always the precursor to ‘more’. Which is a shame.


  2. You are starting your name with ‘Goddess’ and you are asking someone who goes by ‘Ferns’.


    I would you start with perhaps Your Magnificence working along to Oh Omnipotent Majesty of the Heavens, She who rules the Stars or you know Ma’am for short, Ferns as you can see clearly fails to grasp the whole BDSM thing properly… Why once she was seen without a single leather item on her body and smiling! I mean fer Christ sake what kind of an example is that?

    I’ve always liked Domina

    1. “Ferns as you can see clearly fails to grasp the whole BDSM thing properly…”

      *sigh* Coug’s right. As always.

      I shall remedy this immediately by wrapping myself in dead animals and scowling angrily at all and sundry!


      1. Imagine my excitement on getting this in my e-mail “Discover a New You: CBT Online Course 93% Off” Coo I thought Amazon’s recommendations must be damn good narrowing me down to this after buying Fern’s book imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Online Training Course” Damn you Amazon damn you! *insert fisty wavingness here*

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