Reader Q&A: Desire to please, LDRs, expectations [audio]

This long overdue Q&A (aren’t they always?!) includes the following:

  • Desire to please vs hard limits, what to do?
  • Is there an outfit that says ‘Domme’?
  • How do I help a new sub who is struggling?
  • “She wanted a hands-free orgasm, so she tied him to the bed and used his mouth.”
  • LDRs and ‘how to’
  • I made someone fail their exams, maybe, I don’t know… :P
  • How do I get what I want after a change from ‘D/s relationship potential’ to ‘lovers’
  • What’s your favourite thing about tying up boys?
  • How to deal with a request from my Domme when I’m struggling?
  • And more!

Huge thanks to My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything for transcribing the audio for me. He’s an absolute gem.

Regular listeners will be really excited probably be ambivalent about a new piece of intro music… oooh, fancy! I’d have squeed about it in the podcast, but I added it after the fact, so no Ferns-squeeing to be had there. Probably just as well.

I’m aiming to create a Pavlovian response to that little snippet if I keep using it :P.

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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Hello, dear listeners. And welcome to another podcast, of which I seem to do one every six months or so. I have champagne and I have a shit ton of questions that came in through my ask me page. Thank you so much for your questions. I’m going to get straight to them because there are so many. [laughter]

00:32

First one: Hello, I wrote to you weeks back and you answered my question in a way that made sense to me. I’m the 22-year-old rebellious submissive in a relationship with an older domme, having never been with a girl before. I have found that we have, she and I, developed a really strong bond and this scares me. I have fallen in love with her. There are certain things that she likes that are hard limits for me, but I’m afraid that if I don’t try to at least carry some of these kinks out, that she will lose interest. It’s just that when I think about trying, I feel like I’m doing something wrong, not to mention this is the first relationship I’ve ever been in and I don’t know how to express my emotions to her or even know what I’m feeling when she asks. Any advice?

Yes, I do have advice, of course.

The first thing is congratulations on a burgeoning relationship and one in which you’ve fallen in love. I hope it may continue for a long time.

The second thing is: if something is a hard limit, it’s a hard limit. And hard limits are things that you simply will not do. And you don’t have to justify your hard limits to anybody. You can talk about them, you can explain them, they may change over time even; but, your dominant cares for you, I’m sure, and does not want to cause you harm, and wants you to be happy.

And if she likes those kinks, and they are hard limits of yours, then, I’m sure she will be fine with not doing those, or at least maybe not doing those with you, depending on what your relationship is like.

If you have trouble expressing yourself or knowing what you’re feeling, then my advice is – I mean, you wrote me an articulate letter and it made sense and you had time to think about it – if you can’t express yourself so well verbally face to face, then write it down. It gives you some space and some time to think about things. And then tell her you’re going to do that and then give her that. And if you’re not comfortable talking about it face to face, you can ask her to reply to you in writing. And actually that can be very sweet; not just useful, but really sweet. So I’d suggest that as an option.

As for your fear that she will lose interest if you don’t do a particular kink with her, unless that kink is something that is her lifeblood, like, something that is so fundamental to her desire for a relationship that she cannot do without it, mostly kinks are just kinks. And if someone is going to not be with you because she likes something that you simply cannot do, then that’s a compatibility problem.

And you can’t… you can’t pretend that things don’t exist just to stay with someone. And that’s a hard thing to say, but I think – but it’s still true.

If something is a hard limit for you, if it’s going to cause you – you said, um, it feels “like I’m doing something wrong,” so I assume it’s some sort of moral or ethical thing that makes you not feel good about yourself or your beliefs, then that’s not something that’s going to work.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

04:38

The next one is actually a request for me to write about chastised men and women with strap-ons that are risk-aware and consensual within the context of adult relationships, that is, we do this as we both enjoy it with a priori discussion.

I appreciate your request and I think it’s probably a good topic, but that’s not really what I do on my blog. Chastity is not really an area of expertise of mine and neither is strap-on play, so probably not going to do that. Um, there are many good resources for both of those and I will put them in the text so that you have them.

Links:

Chastity: Denying Thumper

Pegging: Pegging 101

05:28

Next one: I’ve been reading your book – Yay! [laughter] Thank you for buying my book. – and I was interested in your first experience at a BDSM club. Would you recommend I dress a certain way so I’m identified as a domme? I think you mentioned something about a catsuit in your book. As you can probably guess, I’m just starting out. I’ve been to a couple of clubs in various states of undress :) and I wondered if there was a dress code.

Um, there isn’t a dress code and, in fact, one thing I find is that often dominants dress exactly like submissives on the female side. That is, um… sexy porn domme [laughing] is a pretty much a ‘go to’ dress standard for both. So there is really not a uniform of types.

My suggestion to you would be, a) check what the venue requires but, more importantly, b) dress in something that makes you feel awesome. That’s it.

So, you’re right. When I went to my first club I wore… it wasn’t even a – it wasn’t a catsuit, it was, um, kind of like… I guess yoga pants and a very tight black top with a very wide, vanilla belt and some killer heeled boots. A slap of red lipstick and I was done. And I felt powerful and awesome.

And if what makes you feel powerful and awesome is, you know, Doc Martens and black jeans and your favourite T-shirt, just check that the venue will let you in wearing that and wear that. So, yeah, think about what makes you feel like you’re the dommliest domme who ever dommed and [laugh] wear that.

07:39

The next one is also about chastity.

What do you think about male chastity belts? Have you ever locked one onto someone? Do you have any desire to? Would you?

When you say belts, belts are a very specific type of device. Not very common. Have I ever? No. Do you have any desire to? Not really. Would you? Muuh [unique vocalization conveying lack of interest]… maybe? That was an easy one.

08:08

Next. [laughter] I’m not really sure what this one is. It’s not a question.

“She wanted a hands-free orgasm, so she tied him to the bed and used his mouth.” Sorry, ma’am, I just had to get that thought off my mind.

Well, it’s off. And thank you, dear anonymous, for sharing it. [laughter]

08:39

Have you ever cried while masturbating? I’m a 25-year-old male and did that for the first time ever last night.

I… can’t say that I recall ever doing that. I hope it was some sort of catharsis for you and not… something really sad. May you have many more, if it was good. [soft laughter]

09:12

Okay, next one really is a question.

Hi, Ferns. I’m having some trouble with my new submissive and I really don’t know what to do. I guess it’s really just curiosity.

I am a 26-year-old domme. My submissive Coltan is 24. He is newly submissive, he is the shy, silent type. He is gentle and beautiful, yet fiercely defiant. Sometimes I get a sense of how he struggles with complete submission. He doesn’t trust me, and what’s weird is that he doesn’t like to talk about his family. He isolates from other people besides myself. I asked him if he was going to see his family for the holidays and he said no. When I press for answers, he shuts down.

He craves pain, physical and brutal, but I can tell he doesn’t like talking about it. He would rather talk about my likes. I think he is scared. I get the sense that he hasn’t fully accepted himself.

His contract with the Army has been up for about a year now. Loud noises put him on the defense. He talks in his sleep and some nights he doesn’t sleep at all. Any advice? How do I help him?

First of all, I think it’s a really good thing that you are caring and concerned about him. He–and I… um… [laugh] I’m struggling a little bit with how to put this, but I’m just going to say it: I think he needs some kind of therapy. I think… he was in the army, he has some family issues, he has some nervous or anxious issues, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t want to talk about things, he is isolated, he doesn’t trust you and, while one or two of those maybe, you know, okay things that you yourself can deal with in some way… it sounds to me like he has some troubles that he’s not sharing with you. And because he is isolated, he doesn’t see his family, he doesn’t go to them for the holidays, he doesn’t trust you… I think he is closed.

So, my advice to you is to not try and unravel whatever is going on with him, but rather find some resources to help him.

There are kink-friendly therapists and I will put a link in the text for you. And if you go together, then maybe that will be a little bit less scary for him, because I imagine he’s not going to be keen on that.

But I think it is go– if this is how he is and he has some issues and it’s going to be a problem for you as a couple. And maybe if you approach it that way, rather than implying that “he has problems he has to fix” [said in deep voice] which is very confronting and frightening… um, you can go together and work on it together.

I wish you the best of luck.

Link: Kink Aware Professionals (KAP)

I just read your “Dommes don’t speak, they rawwrrr” post and wanted to say I’ll take the cage, ma’am. [laughter]

But, seriously, I was reading that post and listened to your audios: You truly have an amazing voice to go with your flawless writings. – Aww… go on! [laughter] – Can you tell I have a crush on you? – Well, yes, yes I can. –

I’ve gone back to the beginning of your blog and that’s how I came across this post. Anyway, if you are still taking requests, can you please make your “Tethered” post into an audio? That post makes me go crazy and I can only imagine how big of a mess I would be in if I heard you reading it.

You are perfect.

-Joe

Well, thank you, Joe. I… trust me, I’m not perfect, but I will think about that request for sure, and thank you for your lovely words, I appreciate that a lot.

[laughter] And crushes are lovely, just for the record.

13:44

The next one says, What do you think about Aiden Starr’s femdom movies? The ones where she’s the director kind of stand out to me as being move from a woman’s perspective.

I… have no idea. And I was much too lazy to look it up, and you didn’t give me links, so… I’ve got nothing. Anybody else want to express their opinion on Aiden Starr’s femdom movies, please go ahead in the comments. I might learn something.

14:17

Oooh. An LDR question. That’s long distance relationship for you people who don’t like acronyms.

You have a beautiful blog, ma’am. I appreciate its subtlety and your choices in imagery. – Thank you so much.-

I’m a generally submissive male. I have recently moved halfway across the planet for a 12-month stay. After a week or so out, I caved and asked my previous domina if I could continue as her chastity slave. She has agreed with truly frightening enthusiasm [laughter] – That’s the whole, be careful what you ask for thing, isn’t it? – She has tasked me with researching punishments that she can impose remotely. Firstly, I have to find a local dom or domina who can stand in, but language issues are going to make building trust time consuming. Can you suggest resources?

Well… nyahhhh [laughter]. As a dominant, I’m going to say this first: your presenting yourself as someone who is offering pretty much nothing to a dominant, a local dominant, is a no-win. Like, I just can’t see how that is going to be appealing to anybody.

To say, “I have a dominant, but, you know, she wants to tell you what to do to me because she’s obviously my dominant, and you are not”, is… just an unappealing prospect for any, any dominant. I guess it would be, I mean, it could happen. I… I… don’t know where you are or what sort of culture there is there, that this would be appealing to anybody, but, um, for me, it’s just the most unappealing thing ever, like, why would I want to do that?

So, for researching punishments that she can impose remotely, I would suggest the LDR and remote and online groups on FetLife. There are thousands of them. A lot of them are not active, but some of them are huge. And I imagine some of them even have a sticky somewhere that says, ooh “remote punishments” and you can just go through those.

For the second part, well, I guess good luck with that but, well, I guess I just can’t see why anyone would do that, would enter into that arrangement with you. So, I guess be prepared to not find someone who would do that, ’cause you’re essentially asking someone to submit to your dominant and… I don’t know any dominant who would think, “Yes, that would be awesome!” [laughter]

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with that. And thank you for your question.

17:14

Hi, [laughing while reading] I’m a 24-year-old student with a very, very important exam tomorrow at my university. [Ferns finally completely cracks up for a moment] I must be studying harshly, but I just discovered your site and can’t stop reading it. Greetings! I could fail a course because of you, but I’m happy with that anyway. [laughing again]

This made me laugh so hard. This is old now and, boy, I really hope you passed, because you can’t be blaming me for failing a course at university. Though I am of course delighted that you enjoy my blog. [in mock stern voice] But studies first, young man! [laughter]

18:06

Okay, this is a long one, so… be prepared.

After an intense, but not satisfying experience with a male dom, I came across a male sub who wanted a femdom and my first time was short because I was in such need of being penetrated. The second time I actually played a fantasy in my head, took notes, and memorized the steps. I was feeling fabulous in my new leather pleated miniskirt – Oooh, fancy! – and had him undress me. Apart from that, made him kneel and blindfolded him, tying his hands behind his back. Then put my pussy on his mouth until I had enough, lying on a pool table. The rest of the session was super satisfying with him on his fours wearing a collar, my long silk hair scarf, and he only comes after asking me permission.

My question is: he’s a bit detached and doesn’t answer my messages until a couple of days later.

Having said that, he does everything I tell him to do prior to our meetings.

We initially started to see each other as a potential couple, but he broke up with me saying we didn’t have enough in common. So I suggested we become lovers and he happily agreed. But that obviously affected my confidence, and because he takes some time to respond, I don’t feel he’s completely surrendered to me and it makes me sad that he’s not totally under my control. I find him adorable and love sex too much, so in the end we always have sex because it would be too torturous for me not to do it. I’m beyond excited when I plan our sessions and beyond excited when he does his sub face. And I’m always horny, almost since childhood.

What should I do to get him totally responsive and to be eagerly awaiting my contact? Is withdrawing from having sex the only way? Or can you suggest something less painful? Should I spank him for longer periods of time?

P.S. I don’t see myself as a domme, just love the idea of having someone to play all my sexual fantasies with. I inflict pain on him because he likes it and gets really excited, and me too, to be honest, but see our playtime as an aperitif and sex as the main dish.

Um. [audible sigh] Firstly, I love that you’re so excited about this. It’s lovely to see.

I think that you’re expecting too much, to be honest.

So, what it sounds to me like you are asking for is to have more of his time and attention in-between the times that you see each other. But what you essentially are is, like, friends with benefits. And part of that kind of relationship is that you don’t get that. You don’t get that time in-between when you meet up. You don’t get total control, you don’t get his submission.

What you get is his attention when you are together: great sex, fun play, sweetness, all that sort of stuff. And then he goes away until the next time.

So I think what has happened here is that you have mismatched expectations. What’s the solution? Really, you just need to talk to him about it. And then you need to decide what actually works for you and not.

I don’t think that withdrawing sex or not doing the things you enjoy with him is a solution. Spanking him is not a solution. I think the solution is to talk about your respective expectations and come to an agreement about how this thing will work.

So I think what happened was you glossed over that at the beginning when you decided it wasn’t working to go ahead and try and make a couple out of the two of you. But then you didn’t really discuss what being lovers looks like.

So it sounds like, for him, it looks like you meet up and have the fabulous sex and play and whatever and then you wander off and do something else. And then you arrange another meeting and you do the same.

And, for you, you are thinking that, in-between the meet ups, you want emotional input, you want his attention, you want more of a relationship-y type interaction.

So it’s just a mismatch. So, yeah, sit down at some, you know, neutral coffee shop or something and clearly lay out your expectations. He can clearly lay out his expectations and then you come to an agreement about how this is going to work. And hopefully you can come to something that works beautifully for both of you. I hope so, because it sounds like you’re having fun.

23:19

The next one is really short.

What is your favourite thing about tying up boys? [laughter]

Well, I think… if it works… in the way that I want… it makes them helpless and vulnerable and spins them off into their own heads in some fabulous, sub-spacey kind of way. And that’s beautiful to witness. And powerful to create. That’s what’s my favourite thing.

23:52

Hello, I am a new sub going to meet my possible new domme for the first time tomorrow. I was looking for some tips.

Ah, honey. [laughter]

If you are looking for tips with a one-day turnaround you’ve asked the wrong person. Bless. I do hope it went well.

My [laughter] my very much belated tip is keep your expectations low, dress nicely, be polite, talk about things as if you want to know about the person. Because that’s what you’re there for, right? Have conversations, have some laughs. Don’t expect too much.

If you want to come back and tell me how it went, I’d be delighted to hear it.

24:41

I’m in a new 24/7 relationship. We have played together and decided to add D/s to our relationship. Now that I’ve been moved into Dearest’s house – That’s so sweet! ‘Dearest’ is written with a capital D. It’s lovely, I think that’s lovely. –  I have accepted that D/s is how we will relate day to day. I’m having difficulty with nudity. I am to be unclothed unless she wishes otherwise, even when Dearest Angela is not home. Asked about it and we had a long talk that ended with, “You are not being harmed, so I should be willing to suffer for her.” What are your thoughts on naked subs?

This is a, a little bit of a confusing question. Though what my thoughts are on naked subs is completely irrelevant to your question.

So, I guess my question to you is: You say you are having difficulty with it but, I mean, my reaction is suck it up, buttercup.

Because what sort of difficulty are you having? If it’s just, “I’m not sure I like it so much, but it is within the domain of things she gets to control”, then I would I would say, well, that’s too bad.

But, if it’s something that is consistently causing you some kind of emotional problem, that there is something there that is not sitting right with you and is going to impact your relationship, then talk about that with her.

So it’s less, “I’m having difficulty with nudity,” and more, “This is what this nudity all the time is making me feel.” And, if you can express that in a way that makes sense and that is clear, maybe write it down if you can’t talk about it so easily, then she gets to assess that and decide what the damage is to you, what the damage is to the relationship, what the impacts are. ‘Damage’ is probably the wrong word: what the impacts are.

And, to be honest, if you decide that this is a serious issue and not just a “eh, I don’t like it much” – like, if it’s some sort of serious emotional or mental issue for you, then you get to put it on the hard limit list, even if it wasn’t before. I think that’s a pretty serious step, because if you have agreed that this is within the domain of her control, then you’re taking some significant power back from her. But, if it’s a serious issue, for you, then that’s something you might have to do.

And that’s okay.

27:35

Hi, Ferns. I was wondering, do you know of, or have you experienced really well-thought-out and funded femdom retreats like Avalon in Germany. Retreats like Avalon seem really hard to find.

All the best, Jayinca

Uh… no, I have not. I’ve heard of One World Kingdom [correction: Other World Kingdom], which closed many, many years ago, which was essentially a pro-domme environment where male subs went to immerse themselves. And I have never heard of Avalon. So you are one ahead of me in that.

I have heard of events… that are pure femdom events. And I cannot remember the one I saw, but I think it was some tropical location [questioning tone] where they had a weekend, I think. It was quite expensive, and people would immerse themselves in “the lifestyle” for want of a better phrase, um, for that weekend. But I’ve never heard of an actual retreat that is just there and you can go to it.

And that brings us to the end of this podcast. Well, not really… the podcast itself is twice as long and I have chopped it in half because I know you don’t want to listen to me go on and on and on forever. You have lives after all, don’t you?

If you would like to ask me a question go to the Ask Me page on my blog which is www.domme-chronicles.com. If you have’t come from there, if you’ve come straight from my podcast, that’s where you’ll find me and you can ask me a question also.

The next part, the second part of the podcast will be up fairly shortly. I mean it’s done already, I just have to do a bit of editing. My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything has already transcribed it for me (thank you) and um, I’ll speak to you later.

Thanks for sticking with me. Bye bye.

[Closing music]

 

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15 Comments

  1. Thank you Ferns I enjoyed that. Just a couple of comments I’d make:

    Re: the LDR, I think when the poster suggested finding a local Domme, he may have been referring to a Pro-Domme? So the idea may have been to approach a Pro-Domme as a client and ask her to delegate for his primary Dominant, which would presumably be a service most Pro-Dommes would be prepared to render? The theme could be worked into the dialogue?

    As for the nakedness… My Partner & I like that in theory, unfortunately the fact that we live in the North of England makes it something of a hard limit on account of it being so bloody frigging freezing most of the time! I’m not sure whether temperature was influencing the sub’s attitude to it? Though he didn’t mention that.

    As for no. 7’s mention of the ‘sub face’, that’s great! I like the idea of a ‘sub face’, I wonder if I’ve got one!

    Take care anyway, I’m looking forward to Pt. II!

    1. “I think when the poster suggested finding a local Domme, he may have been referring to a Pro-Domme?”

      I didn’t get that impression (the idea that ‘language issues are going to make building trust time consuming’ implies a personal relationship to me), but I think a pro is certainly a more feasible option.

      I’m not sure whether temperature was influencing the sub’s attitude to it?

      *smile* If it was that simple, I’m sure he’d have said so: Well, maybe not :P. Don’t you people up there in the cold northern places all have decent central heating?!

      Ferns

      1. Well there is central heating but it would work up a bill and sometimes isn’t enough anyway… Plus there are modesty issues with the flats opposite…

        I’m a willful sub with a ton of excuses! ;p

  2. Ferns,
    Lovely, entertaining and helpful as always.

    With regard to the domme who had a boyfriend who seems to have served in the military, the letter made me choke up a bit.

    Obviously, I am not qualified to diagnose disorders, but even the little bit of information in that letter suggests that her sub may be exhibiting signs of post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD).

    The US Department of Veteran Affairs (aka the VA) has programs specifically aimed at vets. I don’t know if this, very sweet and compassionate, woman is American, but if she is, the following links maybe helpful.

    Official US Government site:
    https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatment/therapy-me……

    Random Crap I found on the web that looked helpful:
    https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd……

    I wish her and her boyfriend the best.

    1. Thank you so much for that, I appreciate it.

      I can’t be sure where she’s from but statistically, US is likely, so the VA information is probably really helpful.

      Ferns

  3. In case anyone is wondering, I still very much so have a crush on Ferns (still not quite sure how to properly address her other than perfect). Just hearing her laugh and respond to my question gave me butterflies.

    Also, thank you for responding to the question about tying up boys. I’ve been tying myself up since a young age and it’s great to hear what the tie-ees get out of it. The response made me melt.

    Thank you again for the amazing blog and audios! *does a happy dance*

  4. If you are not careful, Ferns-squeeing could become a kink on Fetlife! ‘Ferns is into giving Ferns-squeeing’ ;)

    You did not answer the one question we all wanted to know: where are the *real* female Dominants/male submissives hiding?

    :P

    More seriously, that ex-army sub sounds like classic PTSD. As you suggested, he absolutely needs professional help! He will almost certainly be in denial and not want to address his issues, but given time and the right help he *can* get his life back in order.

    1. *laugh* That squeeing will burst your eardrums!

      The real male submissives are all tied up in my basement. As for the real female dominants, everyone knows they don’t exist. Come on!

      And yes, I do hope that they can navigate whatever is going on with the ex-army sub together and find a way forward. Mental health issues are not something to be trifled with.

      Ferns

  5. 08:39

    “Have you ever cried while masturbating? I’m a 25-year-old male and did that for the first time ever last night.”

    I do that every year on my birthday. :(

    1. Erk! Well… happy birthday for next time, I guess…

      Maybe include some cake in your masturbatory activities in future, at least then you can lend a festive air to it. Candles too. But be careful with those…

      Ferns

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