Three days to go before I get on the plane to go and see e!
My mind is all over the place, full of things to do, with a background niggle of things I probably should be doing but haven’t thought of yet, and random bursts of light and comets. It is like there are quickfire atoms in there that are all racing around at lightning speed, smashing off the walls and into each other, and I seem to be unable to grasp any of them firmly enough to wrestle them to the ground to get a proper handle on them.
I have a to-do list: I often have those because my memory is appalling, and plus, it makes me feel smug to cross things off it. I am doing okay with it. It includes really mundane chores that just have to be done before I am away for three weeks. Hellishly dull things like doing tax and paying bills. It also includes randomly odd things that I write down and then later don’t understand what they are, like “tabletop”. Also some fun things like “toy check” (see inventory… *smug look*).
In the meantime, my brain is also flitting all over the place with random thoughts about the trip and about e. I am trying to control them for the moment because they are distracting and unproductive. I’m spitting some of them out here, just to get them out of my head.
- We have had what is, to all accounts, a slightly unusual lead up to this meeting given there is travel and cost involved in it. There is obviously a significant investment in the potential of the relationship from both sides, but we are not talking on the phone every day, we do not play remotely, we don’t use IM much. We exchange several emails per day and have periods of quickfire emails *bam bam bam*. When we get on voice (not on a regular schedule), we tend to talk for several hours with topics ranging over anything and everything. But it feels like we are in a kind of ‘holding pattern’ until we meet, each of us not wanting to invest too much, while also being optimistic about it. Normally, I don’t feel that holding-pattern-waiting feeling so much. It is an odd thing, frustrating, and I think, for the first time, I am feeling what some submissive men must feel with me when I refuse to meet them as early as they would like.
- I find all of my submissives online, so I am used to developing these relationships through remote mediums to a certain point before I set up a meeting. I am not one of those who rushes into meeting because I’m really not at all interested in having coffee and chit chat with random men with whom I may have nothing in common. I always take some time to figure out if there is real potential before I will set up a meeting, and I only meet those who I seriously think could be something special. This time, with e, all that is true, but it feels a little different. I can’t quite figure out why that is, but the ‘holding pattern’ thing is part of it. I think, maybe, that I am still very aware that distance became the killer with my last relationship. This time, we have discussed a long term plan (vaguely, but with the agreement that relocation to be together is possible if it’s warranted), but I think my caution from that experience is palpable.
- I intend to have e naked within the first hour of meeting, *before* we have a chance to learn how incompatible we really are. I WILL have beautiful naked man. He knows this. I suspect he thinks I might be kidding. I’m not.
- I think we will clash, I am not sure how or when, but we are both strong minded, outspoken individuals, and we have already had some misunderstandings and the ensuing ‘discussions’. We have proven that we can resolve issues well, which is great, and I am looking forward to seeing how it goes in person. I can picture it going extremely well, or extremely poorly. Obviously I expect and hope for the former, but I WILL have beautiful naked man before I discover that it’s the latter.
- If there’s no chemistry, I will be bummed that I will have three weeks in his city, which is not somewhere I have ever been interested in visiting. I can go elsewhere *from* there, but obviously that involves additional expense that I have not planned for.
- I should really have a backup plan for the above, but that smacks of jinxing it, so I’m not doing it.
- Bonobo-monkey-sex first date… that is still amusing me greatly, I can’t wait.
- This is the first time I have met a potential partner since starting this blog (when I started it, I was already in a relationship), and e will be the first man I have met *because* of this blog. I think there is this assumption that I get propositioned (I mean seriously propositioned, vs getting random wanker emails) constantly and all the time because I have this internet presence. I don’t (why don’t I?! What’s wrong with me?!! Waaaahhhh!!!111). I vaguely wonder how my blog will influence his perception of me. My last boy, who I also met online, said that when he met me, I was exactly as I seemed remotely. That was lovely to me: you know how we present, or think we present, is often mismatched with how others see us <insert psychobabble here>, so knowing that I don’t misrepresent myself (even unintentionally) makes me happy. Having said that, e has already opined that I seem different in voice than in my writing (I have not asked ‘how’ exactly, though another friend offered ‘more bubbly!’, at which I scoffed), so I wonder how the transition to ‘in-person’ will go because now there is so *much* of me out here on the interwebs as input to perception.
- I refuse to get excited about it until Thursday. On Thursday, I will be bouncing off walls and running around squealing and smacking into doors with excitement. But not yet.
My brain has about a billion more thoughts racing around in there, completely useless and distracting, but for now, I am looking at my to-do list and am determined to cross at least another couple of things off it today. “Tabletop”… what the hell does that even mean?!