The Break Up Project

We have had a difficult time in the past couple of weeks, but then break ups aren’t meant to be easy.

I have been disappointed and angry at some of the choices he made in dealing with it because they caused me unnecessary pain. He chose to withdraw from me at a time when I had assumed that we were in this difficult situation together, gentle and sad and united, hurt and supportive of each other, even if we couldn’t work it out. I have been angry through this, really angry and upset, and I rarely get angry like that. There were harsh words on my side, and apologies on his, and through it all an undercurrent of the thought that perhaps it was easier to end it like that, angry and hateful, a negation that would allow us to move on cleanly…

We didn’t though, and I am glad of it, I couldn’t bear to leave it that way. And now, we are hurt, but sweet in that way it is when it is not due to a loss of affection on either side, when it is not due to bad behaviour, when it is not due to broken trust or simple erosion of interest. As it is when you both wish it wasn’t.

It hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. It is right that it hurts.

There *should* be a space, a void, a big empty nothing. I will fill it in turn with anger and regret and melancholy and wistfulness and grief and memories. I will wish for him and wish him dead in the same thought. I will wallow and cry and write about it until there isn’t any more to say about it. Until I wake up one morning and he’s not the first thing on my mind. Until I go to bed at night and haven’t thought about him all day. Until everyone is sick and tired of hearing about it and tells me to shut the fuck up and get back to talking about D/s and play and things that are actually interesting!

So, I have devised a “Break Up Project!” to save you a little from my incessant whining. I am going to post one song every six hours. Hard-chosen songs that each show a snippet of the myriad of feelings I am going through, a mosaic. The theory is that by the time they are all posted, and those shards of emotion are out there, I will feel better! It is brilliant, yes?!

Disclaimer: There is no way to find songs that accurately reflect how I feel or what happened, so please don’t read too much into the songs I am going to post… there was no cheating, he never sucked anyone’s cock (that makes you wonder what song is coming doesn’t it? Heh…), I don’t hate him or want him to die, and most of all, I don’t regret a second of the time I had with him… I chose some songs when I was rabidly angry and some when I was regretful, some when I was sad and some when I was just being a bitch, and all of them are right in some way and all of them are wrong.

Click to show some love
Please wait...

You may also like

20 Comments

  1. Britni: “Lots of hugs, love. <3"

    Thank you, sweetie. I know you have also been having a tough time recently, and I thought a comment from a stranger would not be helpful, so I didn't (comment, that is). But I realise now that it actually *does* help, and I am sorry that I didn't send you a message of sympathy and support. I hope you are doing ok, belated hugs being sent your way.

    Ferns

  2. @Bellaforte: “I'm sorry… as you know, I'v been there.

    I love you. *kiss*”

    Oh, love and kisses! This isn't turning out so bad after all! Seriously, thank you, I shall tuck the sweetness away for when I need it most./

    I was thinking of you when I wrote some of this, since we are separated twins and I didn't want you to be contaminated by bad juju floating over the ether to you. I have tried very hard to keep it contained, at least to this hemisphere. I hope I'm managing it and you don't get even a hint of any of it…

    Ferns

  3. I think the song idea is marvelous. I repeated many songs over and over w/ my break-ups. I sang alone in my house until I felt the emotion ease.

    Yes, it is supposed to hurt and as strange as it is going to sound, savor the hurt. Whatever for? Because it was worth hurting over.

    Faith

  4. Faith: “I think the song idea is marvelous.”

    Thanks, I actually feel better to have a 'project' also… to find the songs, to listen to them, to decide which ones to include… all that. As if I am actually *doing* something…

    “Yes, it is supposed to hurt and as strange as it is going to sound, savor the hurt. Whatever for? Because it was worth hurting over.”

    That's an excellent way of putting it, and it's *exactly* right. Thank you.

    Ferns

  5. Your idea is great, doing what ever feels right is best in moments like this. Also yes, Faith is absolutely right, when it hurts, you know it was woth the pain.
    Sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way.
    ~Chí

  6. Chí: “Your idea is great, doing what ever feels right is best in moments like this.”

    I tend to fill my time with irrelevancies… if only they were actually *productive* (like cleaning, or other chores!). But yes, it is distracting and self indulgent and that's not a bad thing.

    “Also yes, Faith is absolutely right, when it hurts, you know it was woth the pain.”

    Faith is a smart cookie… if only those people at alt would send me my password so I can perve at her blog!

    “Sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way.”

    Thank you, I do appreciate it very much.

    Ferns
    ~

  7. It's strange how simply reading a stranger's blog can affect you. I really had to fight back tears even though I don't know you or your boy! -.-
    Anyhow, I hope you get well soon. Any chance you might just work it out?

  8. Oh beautiful, my life has enough drama right now for both of ours… trust me, any of yours won't hurt!

    Perhaps once we both do some more healing, we'll boy-hunt again… on a lighter note, I think I've decided that heterosexuality and gender-normativity are hard limits for me in my boys ;-)

  9. N: “It's strange how simply reading a stranger's blog can affect you. I really had to fight back tears even though I don't know you or your boy!”

    Is it cruel of me to say that makes me feel a little better? Sharing it and having people say they understand and that it makes them sad also makes me feel like some of it is shared and that lifts it a little, you know? I am surprised by that, but it's true.

    “Any chance you might just work it out?”

    No, and it hurts me to say that so definitively. There are circumstances beyond our control that make it impossible, and I can't move forward if I hang onto a 'maybe', as much as I am tempted to.

    Ferns

  10. Bellaforte: “…my life has enough drama right now for both of ours… trust me, any of yours won't hurt!”

    ~squints suspiciously at Bellaforte~* Did YOU send this to ME?!!

    I am sorry for your drama… if we are both having it and sending it, one would think they would collide over the ocean somewhere in a mighty clash and dissipate…

    “Perhaps once we both do some more healing, we'll boy-hunt again…”

    ~smile~ Oh god, just the thought of it makes me exhausted… let me get my pith helmet…

    “…on a lighter note, I think I've decided that heterosexuality and gender-normativity are hard limits for me in my boys ;-)”

    I think heterosexuality being a hard limit might just make it all a lot easier!

    Ferns

  11. I am so sorry. I discovered your blog a couple of weeks ago and soon I was a little smitten with your boy and the two of you and have been reading back until today I got to the first entry – to discover that in the mean time you have broken up and now I feel so sad for you. And for him, too. It was a beautiful thing you made. Thank you for sharing.

  12. Spec1971: “I discovered your blog a couple of weeks ago… today I got to the first entry – to discover that in the mean time you have broken up…”

    *smile* I am picturing the entire relationship somehow happening in fast motion as you read through it all. And oh! The fast-forward story then has a sad ending. That is tragic! I truly wish I could have delivered a happy ever after!

    “…I feel so sad for you. And for him, too. It was a beautiful thing you made. Thank you for sharing.”

    Thank you so much. I am sad for us too, and thank you also for the 'beautiful thing you made' phrase, though I also curse you for making me cry.

    Ferns

  13. Secretive Slave: “I hurt for you Furns :( we may not be connected but I hope you find your way to a happier place.”

    Thank you… you know… “a misery shared” and all that. I will be fine, and he will also, given a bit of time and lots of new shoes (that would be me, not him…!).

    Ferns

  14. Well, Ms. Ferns, I am just reading this for the very first time…Today, June 16, 2012…and I am quite certain you haven’t been brooding over him today. Happy Bloomsday!

    Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
    A medley of extemporania;
    and love is a thing that can never go wrong,
    and I am Marie, of Roumania!
    —Dorothy Parker

    1. *smile* You are right, I have NOT been brooding over him today. Oh my, that would be so so sad and worrying!!

      Thank you for the happy bloomsday wishes back here in the depths, and for Dorothy Parker.

      Ferns

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.