We have had a difficult time in the past couple of weeks, but then break ups aren’t meant to be easy.
I have been disappointed and angry at some of the choices he made in dealing with it because they caused me unnecessary pain. He chose to withdraw from me at a time when I had assumed that we were in this difficult situation together, gentle and sad and united, hurt and supportive of each other, even if we couldn’t work it out. I have been angry through this, really angry and upset, and I rarely get angry like that. There were harsh words on my side, and apologies on his, and through it all an undercurrent of the thought that perhaps it was easier to end it like that, angry and hateful, a negation that would allow us to move on cleanly…
We didn’t though, and I am glad of it, I couldn’t bear to leave it that way. And now, we are hurt, but sweet in that way it is when it is not due to a loss of affection on either side, when it is not due to bad behaviour, when it is not due to broken trust or simple erosion of interest. As it is when you both wish it wasn’t.
It hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. It is right that it hurts.
There *should* be a space, a void, a big empty nothing. I will fill it in turn with anger and regret and melancholy and wistfulness and grief and memories. I will wish for him and wish him dead in the same thought. I will wallow and cry and write about it until there isn’t any more to say about it. Until I wake up one morning and he’s not the first thing on my mind. Until I go to bed at night and haven’t thought about him all day. Until everyone is sick and tired of hearing about it and tells me to shut the fuck up and get back to talking about D/s and play and things that are actually interesting!
So, I have devised a “Break Up Project!” to save you a little from my incessant whining. I am going to post one song every six hours. Hard-chosen songs that each show a snippet of the myriad of feelings I am going through, a mosaic. The theory is that by the time they are all posted, and those shards of emotion are out there, I will feel better! It is brilliant, yes?!
Disclaimer: There is no way to find songs that accurately reflect how I feel or what happened, so please don’t read too much into the songs I am going to post… there was no cheating, he never sucked anyone’s cock (that makes you wonder what song is coming doesn’t it? Heh…), I don’t hate him or want him to die, and most of all, I don’t regret a second of the time I had with him… I chose some songs when I was rabidly angry and some when I was regretful, some when I was sad and some when I was just being a bitch, and all of them are right in some way and all of them are wrong.