Reader Q&A: Desire to please, LDRs, expectations [audio]

Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 3.0 markMusic: Bensound

This long overdue Q&A (aren’t they always?!) includes the following:

  • Desire to please vs hard limits, what to do?
  • Is there an outfit that says ‘Domme’?
  • How do I help a new sub who is struggling?
  • “She wanted a hands-free orgasm, so she tied him to the bed and used his mouth.”
  • LDRs and ‘how to’
  • I made someone fail their exams, maybe, I don’t know… :P
  • How do I get what I want after a change from ‘D/s relationship potential’ to ‘lovers’
  • What’s your favourite thing about tying up boys?
  • How to deal with a request from my Domme when I’m struggling?
  • And more!

Huge thanks to My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything for transcribing the audio for me. He’s an absolute gem.

Regular listeners will be really excited probably be ambivalent about a new piece of intro music… oooh, fancy! I’d have squeed about it in the podcast, but I added it after the fact, so no Ferns-squeeing to be had there. Probably just as well.

I’m aiming to create a Pavlovian response to that little snippet if I keep using it :P.

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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Q&A: Historical (pre-2013)

The pre-2013 Q&A below was previously and awkwardly placed on the ‘Ask Me’ page.

I put them there in the days when I thought I wouldn’t get many questions, so I didn’t think it was worth creating separate posts for them.

Then the page just got longer and longer, until… well, it just got stupidly and endlessly long. Like over 13,000+ words long. Apparently it takes me 13,000+ words to figure out that maybe I’m going to get enough questions to create separate posts for them. I’m a slow learner.

So, a trip down memory lane follows. If I said anything stupid, I blame past-me: She was a bit of a know-nothing show off…

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Want to ask me something in the here and now, though? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it. It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Q&A from before September 2013 after the jump.
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Performance

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a performance for some unknown audience outside of myself.

I had a good cry this morning. Like you do when shit happens.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and wondered who it was for.

If I write about it here, was it for you, dear readers?

Some angsty vulnerable moment that I subconsciously know I will share later? Some act that I am performing for the purpose of putting it into some public script after the fact?

If I don’t write about it, or tell anyone, and nobody sees, does it mean anything?

If a tree falls in the forest and etc.

Sometimes it feels like it is ALL performance. All of it. My relationships, my career, my emotions, my entire life, everything.

None of it feels real, none of it matters, they are all just different acts in which I sing pitch-perfect songs in carefully choreographed dances that demonstrate how human I am.

I’m good at it. Successful in most realms, playing the various parts to such perfection that I excel at most of the plays I put on. I’m an accomplished student, a caring daughter, a supportive sister, a successful worker, a kind friend, a loving partner, an impressive dominant, a clever and carefully curated actor of my own creation.

Audience applauds, presents me with a bunch of roses, I smile and humbly accept them.

I take a bow, and move off to another stage, put on a different costume and perform again.

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Dating Schmating

I haven’t written about this: I might still, at some stage. But sometimes the whys and wherefores of difficult things are better left to sit quietly unspoken until there is no power left in them.

Suffice it to say that I took a hit and feel like I am now gathering up my various resources, hoarding them until they are back at full strength.

I took a tentative step out and reactivated my vanilla dating profile, put up some new pictures. It was a litany of fail: Ridiculous one-liners, incredibly dull profiles, terrible off-putting photos. I swear there is some factory somewhere where they churn out these shadow-men in endless numbers. After a while they all just seem like the same one dimensional cut-out with slightly different shapes.

To be fair, I did get two interesting emails: both from men in the US… bah! One smart and funny submissive type who turned off his location filter to find me (silly boy, who wants to see glimpses of the untouchable?) and one vanilla type who had a stunningly fascinating profile and who had not given two seconds of consideration to the actual consequences of distance.

I deactivated the profile about a week later. I didn’t have the appetite for it. My resources are still too depleted.

On the upside, I have been talking to the sweet boy with whom I had a service date last year. We have been in touch on and off since then. He has also struck some experiences recently that have left him feeling a little raw.

I invited him to visit for another service date: He will wash my car, kneel before me, serve me champagne, massage my hands and feet, colour my nails, and we will talk about things that don’t matter much.

It will be simple and sweet and uncomplicated. A small reminder of who we are when we are not being buffeted by the world.

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Still single, just sayin’

I’ve been getting cute little congratulations about this very misleading post.

It’s super sweet and I do appreciate that people are happy about my apparent coupledom.

BUT…

In case you missed it, Drew is gay. Like Double Gold Star gay, as gay as the day is long (and I mean days-at-the-North-Pole-in-the-middle-of-summer kind of long). Still, I’m putting together a registry for cute couples gifts. Because yes :P.

All that to say: Come at me, amazing submissive men. I’m still single.

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My fabulous American boyfriend

We don’t get to see each other often, and we never have enough time together.

But he reminds me of all the good things in the world. And every moment we spend together is a gift.

Champagne and hugs and intimate chat.

More of all of those please.

Edited to add: More about my (gay!) American boyfriend here and here

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You can

We are all scared, I said.

I know but I’m really scared.

Of what?

Everything. I’m scared of everything.

Well cut that shit out. A short laugh. Not unkind.

I can’t.

You can. Pick them out one at a time, those fears. A small one first. Take out your sword and your shield and brandish them like a warrior in full flight. Run at it hard. Like your life depends on it. When you get closer you’ll see: it’s not so big. Then pick the next one. Fight those battles.

I can’t.

You can. Here, take my sword. It is old and worn, but sharp like a razor. Straight and true.

I can’t.

You can. You will get stronger after the first one, and the next one, and the one after that. I’m right here. I’ll back you up. You can do this.

I can?

You can.

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Sharyn Ferns: Femdom Author

Here’s a preview of what I’ve* been doing in the silence: A dedicated web page for the books I’m not writing :P. It’s so pretty!

*and by ‘I’, I mean ‘me and My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything’ (MFMWKE just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?) who found a solution for every problem for me, even (especially) the ones I created myself with my exuberance and lack of skill.

Launching soon with champagne and glitter and maybe free stuff *smile*.

The underlying truth of it is that having projects to work on helps me to heal, to feel better, more positive, to get outside of my own head. Achieving things is fun and having challenges is distracting. All of those things are good for me right now.

That vs moping around feeling sorry for myself (the temptation is there, trust me).

This weekend, I will catch up with Drew, my gorgeous American boyfriend: we will have drinks and food and whisper secrets to each other. After that I will travel to visit family, which will also be full of drinks and food and (much less interesting) secrets.

And then maybe, MAYBE, I will be in a better frame of mind to write more of substance. I can’t promise anything, but I’m hopeful.

I’m sending the web address to the lovely folks on my mailing list so they can have a sneak peek: are you on it yet? Why not?

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Exhausted and angry

I’m tired of expecting people to do the right thing.

Even more, I’m tired of feeling like I can’t expect them to do the right thing.

It’s utterly exhausting and depressing to expect the worst of people.

I don’t want to. Truly I don’t. And I try really hard to keep it at bay, to hang onto that smiling wide-eyed optimism that I used to have in droves.

I think it makes me an uglier person when I let it in, that bone-wearying cynicism. It makes me feel like a lesser person, a weaker person. Walking around in the world being suspicious of people, of their words, of their intent, of their motives. It makes me feel like a small scaly creature that scuttles from shadow to shadow hissing at anything that comes close.

I don’t feel like that’s me. Not really.

But you know what, sometimes that’s exactly me.

I want to believe the best of people. Always.

But those times when I do that, and I’m let down over and again make me feel like I am foolish for trying. That sharp voice niggles in the back of my mind, chuckling quietly, going ‘I told you so’. And above all I feel foolish for having believed.

And I’m not going to talk politics because that’s not what I do here, but it feels like I am watching the world burn while I am mired in my petty issues.

It’s exhausting and I’m so tired.

Maybe we should just burn it all to the ground and start again.

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e[lust] #92

Welcome to Elust 92

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #93 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Feeling Forced

NEEDY – a black obsession

Monogamish

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

“One Man Is Not Enough For You.”
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~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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