This is adapted from my response to a question on Fetlife that I see a lot from submissives who have partners who are new and exploring their dominance:
“How can I help my partner be more dominant?”
These questions always seem to be accompanied by descriptions of what they’ve tried that essentially boil down to ‘I told her how to do (more of) my fetish to me’ and, unsurprisingly, that doesn’t work so well…
This is a longer version of my reply.
In case you missed it, I wrote a practical, actionable, step-by-step guide for new dominant women called ‘How To Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing‘.
It’s not only a ‘how to’ for planning and running play (though it is definitely that), it also includes a bunch of information for new Dommes to help them tap into their power, to find their feet, to grow their confidence.
So that’s a resource for her IF she’s interested.
For you, yes, you, eager submissive with a newbie dominant: If you want her to ‘be more dominant’, then be more submissive. Seriously.
I’ve written about ‘how to support your dominant’s dominance‘ before because this question comes up a lot.
The biggest, most helpful thing a sub can do to support their keen newbie Domme is to be submissive in ways that please her, not ‘ways that please you’. Don’t second guess, don’t angle for more, don’t you dare even give a tiny hint of ‘not dominant enough’. None of that.
Look at yourself, and ask ‘am I being submissive enough’ (pro-tip if you’re finding yourself saying ‘she’s not doing it right’, the answer is probably ‘no, no you aren’t’).
So be submissive: Ask her how you can be more of what she wants, please her more, make her giddy with your beautiful submission. Welcome her dominance in whatever form it takes with an open heart and with gratitude. THIS is how you help her to find her feet and grow into whatever form her dominance takes.
When I say ‘be more submissive’, I don’t mean ‘be passive and quiet and don’t contribute’. I mean give her the space to do things her way, to take whatever information you give her and do what she wants with it, to use your expertise and knowledge when and how she wants, to feel your support in the ways she explores her dominance.
Of course talk to her, if you have more experience in something than her then share it, give her the benefit of your experience, but also give her fabulous resources (*cough*my books*cough*), point her to more information, find educational videos about things she’s expressed curiosity about, offer other sources of support and information.
Then give her space to figure shit out in her own way.
This versus angling for her to fulfil your fetishes in exactly the ways you like while pretending that you’re ‘helping her be more dominant’.
THIS is how you help her to find her feet and grow into whatever form her dominance takes.
And if that form, in the end, isn’t something that works for you as a couple, then you need to have another conversation. But give her the support and space to get there first.