posted by Ferns on advice, advice for Dommes, musing

A blog post by Die Starke Frau prompted me to write this response because I see in her writing a struggle that a lot of new Dommes have.

She said:

When I develop an idea of what to do with him and how to fuck with his mind, and if then, out of the blue, the man does not obey.

Note: I am not talking about playful disobedience here. I am talking about a serious refusal. No joking around, no fun. Just a “Nah… this does not turn me on. This is not hot to me. I am not interested in doing this/ or getting this done to me.”

It’s a great question… what if he just says ‘Nup, don’t feel like it’?

In the fantasy world, the answer to this is simple: you slap him across the face and hiss, “Go do it NOW!” and he will leap up and run to do your bidding, abjectly chastened with the awesomeness of your power (yeah, that’s hot, try it in a real relationship and see how that goes… come back and let me know…).

In the real world, and assuming a full time romantic D/s relationship, the answer is much more complex, and to get to it, I have to go back to the beginning of how I build a relationship for context. ¹

1. BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT
(oh look, aren’t I cute, subtitles!)

When I talk to a potential submissive, our discussion is wide ranging and broad. It is not about ‘how this relationship will work’, it is not about ‘rules and protocols’, it is not about any of that.

In the early stages, I’m just getting to know a man who seems interesting. And if we are right for each other, this gentle dynamic starts to filter in. I’ve talked before about D/s flirting and that’s exactly what it is, it’s fun and playful and zing-making. We are feeling each other out.

He might roll his eyes at something silly I have just done.
I laugh and look shocked. “Did you just eyeroll at me?!”
“Um… yeah… I was just kidding, really… um… sorry…”
Maybe he blushes, maybe he is made shy by being called on it, maybe he smirks. We both recognise the moment.
I might act indignant. “I should think so!”
There is a little frisson in it, a hint of sexual tension and hotness, a recognition of each other.

Yummy yum yum!!

If that little exchange (and every other bit of D/s flirting that I initiate) doesn’t work that way, doesn’t feel sweet and sexy and natural, doesn’t draw out his submission in the way I need it to, then he is not right for me.

That is how we build the dynamic. In small ways. Gentle nudges, warm reactions, hot little push-pull.

By the time we get to the point where we ‘formalise’ the relationship, he would be no more likely to disappoint me by saying ‘no’ than he would be to smack me in the face. If I can’t get him to that point, if I do not know that he is at that point, then we are not ready for this relationship, and maybe, we are just not suited for each other.

Having waxed lyrical about all that and how lovely it is, I have much more to say because in all of that, I am setting the groundwork and not actually answering the question “What if he just says ‘nup’”. I’m getting there, I promise…!

2. MAKE EXPECTATIONS CLEAR

Whatever your expectations are (on both sides) make sure you each understand them. Obedience for me is key, and if he doesn’t understand that, then I have failed to communicate it properly.

When I enter into a relationship, when it becomes an agreed D/s dynamic and we discuss it more formally, one of the things I often say is this:

“All you have to do to break the D/s dynamic is say ‘No’. That’s it. Say ‘No’, and keep saying ‘No’, and you will break it.”

It really is that easy, and it’s true, because by doing that, he is withdrawing his consent to being in the dynamic and no matter what anyone says, I cannot MAKE anyone submit to me if they genuinely don’t want to.

We are not talking play here where someone is bratting, we are not talking about hard limits, we are not talking about extenuating circumstances, we are talking about a submissive who genuinely says “No, I don’t feel like doing that, so I won’t” and then turns back to the television.

In my relationships, this is a signal that there is something really wrong. It is the vanilla equivalent of him saying ‘Fuck off!’. It is hugely hurtful and awful and I completely understand why dominants struggle with it.

So, what to do?

3. CLARIFY

Firstly, you know him, I don’t, so I can only speak from personal experience. Underlying all of this is ‘you have to know him’. If you want a man who has finished a 16 hour day of manual labour to go and clean out the garage at 10pm at night, then you better be bloody sure you know how that will impact him. For some men, it might be a blessed stress relief, for some it might be a signal of love, for others it might be a ‘what the hell is wrong with you?!’ moment. You need to know this even if (especially if) you decide to tell him to do it anyway.

I am assuming in this scenario that the request is reasonable and within the bounds of the agreement.

The first thing I would do is clarify that he is seriously saying ‘no’ because he would know what a big deal that is, and then I would want to know whether he had some reason that I am missing.

“Are you saying ‘no’ to me?”

(best case, this is all it takes, he looks up sheepishly, goes ‘Eep, sorry Ma’am’ and runs off to do the thing… He has a few chances in this dialogue to change his mind. So let’s continue with ‘worst case’…)

“Yep, don’t feel like it, it’s not hot or fun. Not doing it.”

(as a side note, seriously, if that happened to me, I would faint with shock… who the fuck is this person and what the hell is he doing in my house?!!)

“Is there a particular reason why you are saying ‘no’ to this?”

(again, another chance here for him to think about it and change his mind… Continuing, though, with the worst case…)

“I’m watching the football/am tired/don’t feel like it/it’s just no fun.”

“If you are saying ‘no’ to me, we have a serious problem here. You understand that, yes?”

(seriously, last chance…)

“Look, I just don’t want to, okay? Just this one time, geez… what’s the big deal?”

“No, it’s not okay, I’m hurt and angry, and we will discuss it later.”

I say ‘later’ because right now, he is being a petulant child and you are likely so hurt and confused that you aren’t seeing straight. Having a fight about it is not productive.

But don’t let it go.

4. DISCUSS/REASSESS

Later, when you are calm, talk to him about why this is important to you. Ask him why he said ‘no’, what his submission means, what he wants out of it, what has changed and *listen* to the answers. Explain how this makes you feel, that you can’t ‘be the Domme’ if he refuses to submit, that it hurts your feelings, that his saying ‘yes’ is the cornerstone of your dynamic. Have him reiterate how he sees his submission working.

At this stage, either he ‘gets it’, or something has changed and he no longer wants to have the dynamic that (presumably) he agreed to. If it’s the former, then you have reiterated your agreements and you move on with it (hopefully) resolved.

If it’s the latter, and he really no longer wants this, then you need to reassess where you are, and maybe redefine what your relationship looks like, or, if you have somehow diverged so much that you can’t come to a new agreement, then perhaps this signals the end of your D/s dynamic.

I’d be very surprised if one ‘No’ led to such a discussion, but perhaps it has been a series of ‘Nos’, or perhaps this is the only way he has been able to communicate that he is having serious issues with the relationship.

I think some submissives cannot get their head around the fact that D/s takes two people. As a dominant, I CANNOT be second guessing whether he will do what I want or not, I need to trust him to submit. If I can’t trust him, it leads to a headspace that looks like this:

“Should I ask him to get me some water? What if he says ‘no’? He looks pretty comfortable, maybe he won’t want to get up. Ahhh, he’ll say ‘yes’, I’m sure he will. Maybe he won’t… what if he doesn’t. Ahh, hell, I’ll just get it myself, I don’t want to fight about it.”

Soon, she is not dominating him anymore, she is just getting him to do things that she hopes he won’t mind doing. He then wonders what happened to the fearless Domme he used to adore and she wonders what happened to her lovely submissive.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not let it go.

Seriously.

I know full well that the ‘FFS, it’s only a glass of water, get it yourself, just this once… God!!’ argument from him will sway many dominants and they *will* go ‘Yeah, maybe he’s right, I’m making a mountain out of a molehill’, but the point is not about the glass of water. The point is about whether he will or will not submit to your authority.

I can guarantee you that letting it go will cause more problems in the long term. Why? Because then you are being inconsistent, and being inconsistent in asserting your authority will erode it as surely as if you just said,

“Can you get me a glass of water, please… I mean, if you feel like it… if you don’t feel like it, that’s okay too… never mind, I’ll just get it myself…”

If you end up there, both of you are likely to find yourselves frustrated and unhappy and wondering how the hell that happened.

So in summary (I’m providing Cliff notes, I’m good to you!):

1. Build the relationship you want. This takes time and work, but you have to, really.
2. Make expectations clear. Have clear expectations from the start so that he knows what saying ‘no’ means for the dynamic.
3. Clarify. IF he says ‘no’, clarify that he understands that this is serious, and make sure you understand what is going on just in case you have missed something
4. Discuss/Reassess. Calmly talk about it, reset expectations if you need to, and be prepared to keep your core requirements for the relationship intact.

If you have to keep repeating 3 and 4, your dynamic is pretty much toast. Live with that fact or walk away.

¹ To pre-empt the inevitable, this is how it works for me in the very particular type of romantic D/s relationships that I have where obedience is a cornerstone: it is is my personal opinion, I am not the arbiter of Truth or the Oracle. If this helps you at all… great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. If you deal with this issue by smacking him over the head with a smelly fish and screaming “I’m a little teapot” and it works, then that’s awesome! and etc… Really do I have to add all that?

Aside: This post is *above* the daily word target for NaNo… the implication being that NaNo should be easy as pie for me, I AM CAPABLE OF RABBITING ON INCESSANTLY!  But it isn’t easy. At all. That is annoyingly baffling…

57 comments

posted by Ferns on advice, advice for Dommes, musing

I am recycling my own words for this post. I do that you know, because I am lazy (if you had read my ‘About Me‘ secret confessions, you would know this already…).

Stabbity wrote a great post here about how ‘real Dommes don’t have sex’, which prompted me to comment thusly:

You kind of touched on this, but didn’t QUITE hit it in the heart. Some Dommes fear losing control when they come, because, you know, Dommes must always be in complete control, cold, steely eyed, blah blah etc.

So, what that thought boils down to is this:

“I am going to deny myself pleasure because I am scared.”

This definition of dominance makes me laugh and laugh.

Then I have a little cry, because, oh god, so sad!

Then I laugh again because, hey, it’s funny!

Then I stop it in case people think I am crazy.

18 comments

posted by Ferns on advice, advice for Dommes, musing

I am somehow obsessed with advice for newbies at the moment… I am not sure why… perhaps because I communicate with quite a few of them and I want them to have good experiences, to be successful, to find their bliss (yes, I know, that was too corny to be believed! Deal with it!).

Things I recommend to newbies are not necessarily things that I do myself. Yes, I am a hypocrite…

• Want to meet BDSMers? Go to a munch.

  (I haven’t been to a munch in over 15 years, I am not part of any community, I don’t know anybody!)

• Meeting someone off the internet? Set up a safe call.

  (I never do this. I don’t do it for vanilla dates with some guy that I met at a bookshop, I don’t do it for first meets with some guy I met on the internet)

• Want to be safe? Meet in a public place.

  (I always do this, yay me!)

• Don’t play on the first meeting.

  (I do this, have done it, will probably do it again)

• Don’t bring him into your home until you know him really well.

  (I have done this on a first meet if it was convenient for me)

Why would you recommend munches when you don’t go to them yourself, Ferns? Wow, you *are* a hypocrite…

I’m really glad you asked that (and shut up, there is no need for that, I already confessed it!)…

I went to munches and clubs when I first ‘discovered’ BDSM many years ago. I went to meet people, to learn, to get some exposure to other kinksters… to get a sense of ‘what it was all about’. But fundamentally, I am not a joiner, I didn’t feel a particular kinship based on my relationship bent, and I have never met a partner in the community. So, I really decided that it wasn’t for me, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have value. They do.

There are two main reasons I recommend munches to newbies:

1. Many people struggle to meet BDSMers at all, they concentrate on finding a partner, but have never ever ever met another kinky person ever. This leads to point 2.

2. Many newbies have a skewed view of what D/s folks are like. Even if they *know* that they are wrong, they simply cannot let go of that pervasive image in the back of their minds (to be fair, it has probably been growing there for many years, it is difficult to shift).

A munch is the simplest, quickest way to meet BDSMers in a safe environment and get grounded in reality. Meet John and Fay, the married couple who look like your parents and talk about how to cook a roast on Sundays. James, the rope top who likes snowboarding and WoW. Kate, the dominant, who works in IT and gets excited about the new episodes of Star Trek (ok, I have no idea if there are any new episodes of Star Trek, I suspect not, and thus, my lack of cool geekdom is exposed…).

There is no risk involved, there is no need to impress anyone, they just get to come out into the real world, meet ‘normal’ people, let go of the fear and mystery, and move past the fantasies that Dommes are uber sexpots who exude an aura of power over all minions lucky enough to be in their presence, and the image of submissives as cowed simpering boys waiting with their eyes downcast in the corner.

Well… ok… let’s say I accept that, Ferns… let’s move on to the safety measures… Why do you recommend them and then don’t do them yourself? Hmmm?

I actually think that many people can’t look after themselves, especially when they first step into BDSM and think all of the rules of behaviour have changed. I’m deadly serious. They have no radar for people who are damaged or dangerous because they have never measured them in a BDSM context and their assessment of what is ‘normal’ is off kilter. They make bad choices, or miss signals, they don’t trust their instincts, or have poor instincts. They may be desperate to meet someone (anyone) and talk themselves into doing it *despite* feeling like it’s not right. In short, they don’t have the skills or experience to keep themselves safe.

I see both men and women let their common sense and their sense of self preservation be overruled by hopeful excitement. They say things like:

“I’m really excited to be meeting *superfabulous potential hottie* this weekend for the first time, but s/he said *scary frigging idiotic things that set off big flashing alarm bells*. Should I be worried/do that dumb thing/wait naked in a hotel room/bring that chainsaw like they told me to?”

Now for all the folks that are asking that question in public, you *know* that there are 50 more who will not ask. They will dampen down the feeling of unease, they will turn off the blaring alarm, they will get dressed in their finest and off they go to meet creepyinternetweirdo. Nine times out of ten, the worst that happens is that the person they are meeting will just be creepy, behave inappropriately, the meeting is uncomfortable, and our hero will get out of there as quickly as possible. The tenth time, though, they may find themselves tied up and taken past their limits, be beaten and robbed, or wake up in a bath of ice with a scar in their side.

I’m exaggerating in all of this of course… normally it is much more subtle, the red flags are more like pale pink and distant, they are much harder to see and it is actually much more likely that a bad outcome will be some really horrible play that is scary or completely unenjoyable and a big mistake. However it doesn’t change the fact that many put aside their niggling concerns in favour of optimistic possibility. Having safety measures in place that are immovable and solid are sensible to protect people from making rash decisions and to warn internet creeps that someone knows who they are and where they are.

All this is rather patronising, right? I know.

But you haven’t explained in all of this why *you* don’t do all of those things that you recommend others do, Ferns…

I have a system that works for me – it involves time and instincts. Not foolproof, but I have never had an experience where I have felt uneasy in any way, I have never had anyone flake on me, and I have met good men who, at worst, were not a match for me.

I am in no rush, ever, to meet someone. I have found all of my boys through the internet, or through advertisements, and I take as long as I need to feel comfortable before I will offer to meet them. I have good instincts, but really it is just time spent talking. Creepyinternetweirdos find it difficult to hold up their end of an extended communication, they slip up and start to twitch and shout expletives in the middle of correspondences, they can’t help it. Mostly, by the time I offer to meet a boy, I will know him pretty well, he will have proven himself to be reliable, he will have shown that he will do what he says he is going to, he will have consistently behaved in a respectful and reasonable manner, I will know that he is a good and interesting person, I know that when we meet, I will genuinely like and enjoy him, even if it ultimately goes nowhere.

If he isn’t willing to hang around and talk to me, if it’s a chore, if it’s dull, if he is impatient… any of that, then he will fall by the wayside, and in that, time is a useful screening tool.

That’s a lot of blah blah blah from a hypocrite…

Shut up, nobody asked you!

13 comments

posted by Ferns on advice, advice for Dommes, musing

There are a gazillion ways to do it, to have aspects of dominance and submission (D/s) in your life and in your relationship. Each is so different that you may as well be talking apples and gorillas when you discuss it with people with whom you allegedly have a fundamental commonality.

Mine is a very specific type of D/s. It is a romantic relationship with all that that entails in the vanilla world, but I am the dominant partner in all aspects of the relationship.  At its simplest, that means that I have the final say in things that involve ‘us’.  If I have a preference, for example, I will decide what we will have for dinner, what he will wear, when we will go out, etc.  If I don’t have a preference, there is no compulsion for me to make those decisions – he doesn’t *need* me to make them, but if I have a desire for something, I get what I want.  I also take the lead in sex – I am his top, his sadist, the aggressor, the do-er.

I want to talk (rant?!) in this post about fallacies around long term romantic D/s relationships where the submissive is the primary partner to a female dominant… I know many of you have a relationship that looks kind of like that, or at least you have something that fits, somehow, into that box, with maybe some bits sticking out the top and some bits squeezed tightly and uncomfortably into corners.

It’s still one of the abiding fallacies that female dominance (even in long term romantic relationships) is about ‘scenes’ and said scenes involve some complicated script with lots of equipment and toys and a dungeon-space with the right atmosphere and the right leather/latex/something clothes (for her, natch…!). Accompanying that is the idea that women put on their ‘dominatrix face’ to ‘be dominant’ for the purpose of enacting control, that they become someone else.

A young woman recently told a newbie Domme that if she is dominant with her domestic partner, she should get a wig, make up an alternative name, and create a whole new persona for ‘the Domme’ and then refer to herself in the third person… “MistressBitchyPants will *not* be pleased when she finds out what you have done!!!” Really?!!! Who lives like that? Who would *want* to live like that? Does this seem like something that would work in a real life, long term relationship?

I have the same reaction when Dommes say “It is expensive to be a Domme, I have to buy all these clothes and toys!” Really?! What assumptions are being made for a statement like that to be true? You don’t *have to* buy any of those things, or *have* any of those things to be a Domme. Sure, they are cute and fun, but it has nothing to do with dominance.

I also wonder about the concept of Dommes ‘being on’ all the time, about finding dominance exhausting… I am not sure what that means. How does it work? Is it because ‘being on’ means putting on the ‘dominatrix face’? Of course that’s exhausting! So then, why do it? Surely it must be obvious out of the gate that it will be a complete energy suck? Isn’t it pretending to be someone that they aren’t? It exhausts me just to think about it. When I want to lie around in bed and get cuddles, am I on or off? When I want to beat him, am I on or off? When I cry at sad movies and he comforts me, am I on or off? When I make a decision about what we should have for dinner, am I on or off? It is baffling.

The myths about what it takes to “be the Domme” in a relationship are ridiculous and I always hear (and agree) that they are perpetuated by the media, by submissive males who have watched too much porn, but I think that’s too easy. Women themselves perpetuate these myths every time they buy into them, every time they look at themselves and try to figure out how to act, how to dress, how to talk, how to “be”… every time they doubt themselves because someone said to them “You iz doin’ it wrong!”

To me, having those strange expectations of D/s in a relationship is analogous to saying that a female in vanilla relationships must slip into French silk lingerie, put on one of her many cocktail dresses, have her hair and make-up professionally done in order to ‘be the woman’ and fulfil her part in a vanilla relationship… if you equate ‘scening’ to vanilla bedroom games, she must always ‘prepare’ for it, set the scene with candles, perfumes, lace curtains, sexy music, she must have an elaborate plan for her part in it, wear an enticing costume, call herself Candy and put on her ‘slutty face’ to ‘be the woman’. Sure it’s fun once in a while, but who would take those sorts of statements about ‘how to be a woman’ seriously?

It’s really really irritating to me even though I acknowledge that I am totally going “You iz doin’ it wrong!” to all the people who actually DO any or all of the above. Ha!

To me, all the talk about what a Domme *is* and how she *should* behave in a relationship makes no sense as soon as it doesn’t fall along the lines of “just be you”. There are ways to help new dominants find their way, but it boils down to just that… figure out what you like, know what you want, be clear about how you want the relationship to be and assert yourself with him… oh, and have some fun!  Really, it’s that simple…

P.S. He just now asked me if he could have a glass of wine, I said no. I didn’t even have to put on a special outfit or anything…

21 comments