So I’ve mentioned my unstable living situation a few times now, so it’s no surprise that I’m moving.
Packing doesn’t seem like such a big thing. It’s a vague ‘I hate packing’ thing until you are in it.
It’s not the big things that are painful: Empty contents of wardrobe into a box, there, done.
It’s the millions of little things that make it such a daunting task.
That and the overwhelming urge to do a pre-move cleanout, which has me rifling through cupboards, running to the charity shop, posting things on ebay, and crying over photos of my dead … Continue Reading “Moving house %$#^&!”
This random list came out of a little game on Twitter (you follow me on the Twitter, right? Of course you do! Then you know all of this already…).
- I have sex toys that I have literally never used. Virgin sex toys: that’s a thing, right?
- I usually masturbate every day, even if I don’t really feel like it
- Re number 2: I have a genuine fear that if I don’t keep my (literal… heh) hand in, my libido will disappear (‘use it or lose it’)
- I don’t really understand people who have very elaborate masturbation sessions: lots of
… Continue Reading “60 facts about me”
Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a performance for some unknown audience outside of myself.
I had a good cry this morning. Like you do when shit happens.
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and wondered who it was for.
If I write about it here, was it for you, dear readers?
Some angsty vulnerable moment that I subconsciously know I will share later? Some act that I am performing for the purpose of putting it into some public script after the fact?
If I don’t write about it, or tell anyone, and nobody sees, does … Continue Reading “Performance”
We are all scared, I said.
I know but I’m really scared.
Everything. I’m scared of everything.
Well cut that shit out. A short laugh. Not unkind.
You can. Pick them out one at a time, those fears. A small one first. Take out your sword and your shield and brandish them like a warrior in full flight. Run at it hard. Like your life depends on it. When you get closer you’ll see: it’s not so big. Then pick the next one. Fight those battles.
You can. Here, take my sword. It is … Continue Reading “You can”
I’m tired of expecting people to do the right thing.
Even more, I’m tired of feeling like I can’t expect them to do the right thing.
It’s utterly exhausting and depressing to expect the worst of people.
I don’t want to. Truly I don’t. And I try really hard to keep it at bay, to hang onto that smiling wide-eyed optimism that I used to have in droves.
I think it makes me an uglier person when I let it in, that bone-wearying cynicism. It makes me feel like a lesser person, a weaker person. Walking around in the world … Continue Reading “Exhausted and angry”
I believe that prolonged exposure to a lot of things can normalise them. Over time, we internalise them as ‘the new normal’, and we just get on with it. The ramifications of this idea are huge in general, but I’m only thinking about it on a tiny scale based on how I’ve been feeling recently.
(And the reason I’m thinking about this is entirely not kink related: Kink?! On a kink blog? DON’T BE RIDICULOUS!)
I used to work in a very stressful job. Other than ridiculous hours, lots of long-haul travel, heavy responsibilities, complicated problems, and huge budgets, it … Continue Reading “The new normal”
Hauling myself out of a slump is tricky. If I try too hard, I rail against myself like I somehow want to see me fail. It’s ridiculous, and yet it’s true.
I mentioned that I signed up to this 10 week challenge at my gym which is meant to be all full-on, and it can be, but given I’m a bit broken I’m taking it relatively easy.
What it’s about for me is having an external goal to think about vs just rattling around inside my own head like some demented ferret. And the gym-driven program gives me some system … Continue Reading “Lifting out”