Femdom: Is this a scam?

Femdom scams are common. Soooo common. The truth is that if you’re asking ‘is this a femdom scam?’, it’s probably a femdom scam :/.

I’ve written about femdom scams a few times over the years:

  • This is what a scam looks like*
  • Scammers come in different flavours*
  • Should I pay tribute?
  • *Note: My older posts have not kept up with the fast pace of technology: As mentioned below, a simple, very useful check used to be to do a reverse image search on their (usually stolen) pictures and I pushed this pretty hard. It’s absolutely still worth doing, but it now only works for the lazy or the not-very-clever scammer: With deep fakes and morphing apps, anyone can create a convincing sexy image of a woman who doesn’t actually exist so nothing will turn up in these searches.

    Many scammers have evolved far beyond these ham-fisted attempts we saw a few years back that were all:
    ‘I’m a very powerful sexy mistress who loves doing [all the common kinks] to my loyal slave. I will control you completely. Message me little slave and I will be the judge if you are worthy my time’*
    *actual text from scammers
    This blunt approach is usually from accounts with stolen pictures that you’d find all over the internet if you did a reverse image search. They’re ‘old style’ scammers, using sledge hammers to smash their marks over the head. They still exist, because of course they do, and they still work to some extent, but there are also many with much more insidious nuance now.

    Sophisticated scammers look for the new, the naïve, the hopeful, the trusting, the lonely, the ones who haven’t the experience or community contacts to know what’s ‘normal’ in the BDSM world, and they offer relationships rather than just kinky play. A big difference now is that they play more to the emotions, all manipulative and relentless. It’s no longer just about ‘make his dick hard, ask for money’.

    They’re very much like vanilla romance scams which are frighteningly successful.

    In 2018, confidence/romance fraud was the seventh most commonly reported scam to the IC3 based on the number of complaints received, and the second costliest scam in terms of victim loss.
    FBI PSA

    So when some super-keen, lovely-seeming Domme who’s been having actual for-real conversations about life and love and being together forever because you’re so special says ‘THIS is how it works, THIS is normal, don’t you love me?’, their marks don’t know any better. When a scammer spends ages investing in this approach (and they will, for a big score), their marks don’t know any better.

    Let me make a really broad statement here:

    ‘Dominant women’* on the internet who dangle a relationship in front of you and then ask for money are scammers.

    *not dominant or women, probably

    Contrary to what some people believe, many of these scammers are very good at emotional manipulation, can be very convincing, and for a big score they will put in the time with a lot of pretty words full of love and relationship talk spiced up with femdom-related goodness. The fact that they are less ‘sex scammers’ and more ‘romance scammers with some femdom thrown in’ is a double whammy for the naive-hopeful.

    The requests for money will often start small and escalate when they have you on the hook.

    So how do you spot them? Honestly if they’re good, it can be quite difficult but some things to look out for:

    • They contacted you for no reason (i.e. you are new, you have an empty profile, you’ve never interacted with anyone, and yet, there they are in your inbox declaring their interest just because)
    • They don’t behave like any actual woman you’ve ever met (see point above). BDSMers aren’t some different species who behave in inexplicable ways, so if they’re all over you very quickly in a way you’ve never experienced before, well, yeah
    • They’re very attractive with really good pictures (many are going less for porn-Domme and more for smiley-girl-next-door now)
    • They will threaten to end it if you ask too many suspicious questions or ask for any proof of their identity or proof that their photos are them (‘if you don’t you trust me, I may as well go!’)
    • They want to take their conversation with you off the site they found you on very early on for no reason
    • They have odd grammar or usage in their language use even if they claim to be native English-speakers (a common one is using ‘relation’ instead of ‘relationship’)
    • Some say they are from your city, but away at the moment (coming home soon!) but they will never engage in any conversations about the area that might give away that they have never lived there (they won’t know local’s names for places or ‘that pizza place that everyone knows’ etc)
    • If they send you personal information, none of it is verifiable and they have no established social media presence that verifies them either
    • They escalate the relationship very quickly, even love bombing to keep you on the hook, but any planned visits will be delayed because reasons (see next set of bullet points :/)

    Common reasons a scammer will give for wanting money:

    • As a gift, of course you must
    • To prove sincerity/’true’ subness/that you’re not wasting her time
    • All submissives give tributes, that’s how it works with true subs
    • To show appreciation for her time, as all real subs do
    • To sort out some sudden situation that’s happened that will stop her from coming to see you
    • Plane ticket or other expenses to make a visit happen
    • Some emergency (personal/family/heartstrings type)
    • For your BDSM training (now we’re into ‘classic femdom scams’ territory)
    • To buy toys for said training through THEIR supplier
    • Book a hotel room (there’s a BDSM-themed hotel website that looks totally legit, it’s not)
    • Write up a contract for your D/s
    • etc.

    At signs of resistance or suspicion, they may threaten to drop you like a hot rock or actually disappear for a while so that when they come back you won’t ask again. This along with telling you some version of ‘you’re not a true sub’/’I thought you were different from the others’/’I thought we had something real’/’you’ll never find anyone if you behave like this’/’this is how all of these relationships work’/’nobody will want you’/’you’re a fake/flake/liar/loser’ route. If they’ve been talking to you for a while they will know very well how to tap into your inherent fears.

    So yeah. Not just ‘a scam’, but a really hurtful and cruel one that can cause real harm.

    TL;DR:

    Don’t give anyone on the internet any money as the cost of entry to a relationship.

    Note: I know there are some lifestylers who ask for tribute for their own reasons, but I’m not making exceptions in my strident stance about this because newbies do not have the experience to tell, and the chance that the person asking them for money is NOT a scammer is infinitesimal, so yeah, just don’t.

    Edited to add: This series of posts explaining in detail how a (vanilla) romance scammer worked is useful: There was a real person on the other end running the scam, and that person was allegedly recruited by a group for whom this is a business. Even when the victim saw it for what it was, the person on the other end played the ‘yes, it WAS a scam, but I fell in love with you for real!’ line. That is, in many cases, the ‘second wave’ of the scam.

    Loves: 23
    Please wait…

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    25 comments

    1. Great writeup. I fell victim to this. Don’t trust voice calls and even video calls. I’ve seen both of those faked in some way or another. its so incredibly hard to find a real person out there. I’ve seen the scripts they have, and they are used over and over. Its their full time job to scam, no matter who it hurts.

      1. I’m so sorry you were a victim of a scammer :(. That sucks.

        If you could link to the scripts you have seen that would be so helpful to share.

        Ferns

    2. I’m so glad you revisited this topic. I see so many people fall into that dark nasty scam hole. Sadly, usually when others can pot it then it is too late and either the damage is done or they are so lured in they won’t listen. I used to think I was too smart to be scammed but I was scammed a couple years ago. It wasn’t a relationship scam though as much as falling for helping a person in need turned put to be a scam.

      Respectfully,
      Mysticlez

      1. They do. I’m always a bit relieved when I see people ASK ‘is this a scam?’ because at least their gut is telling them something isn’t right.

        Ugh: I’m sorry you got scammed that way. The thing with the ‘person in need’ scams is that the victims are kind-hearted, trusting people. Truth: I think gofundme’s entire business model is based on this.

        Ferns

    3. Thanks a lot for this, I was growing very suspicious of a supposed mistress that contacted me, finding this site guided me on taking a more accurate judgement, I can share the conversation if it’s of any help ^^

      1. You’re very welcome, and I’m glad my post/s helped :).

        And yes, I’d be very interested in how the conversation went. Feel free to email me if it’s too long to post here :).

        Ferns

    4. Question for Ferns-what are positive signs to look for?

      I recall a comment that a pro will be straight forward about answering questions regarding her business.

      What are the signs that a woman is a life style domme?

    5. Reading your words and finding this site was like a beacon of hope, thank You so much for posting! I have been trying to find a Domme online for a few years and the most common tactic I have encountered is the up front commitment fee. My immediate reply since reading this post has been “Shouldnt we get to know one another better as people and see if we have chemistry together?” They almost always respond with the “you’re not a serious sub” line.
      Thank You again for posting!

    6. Watch out for a domme wanting to know where you live before she’ll say where she is. Remarkably it will be less than an hour away. Also she will suggest meeting at a ‘special ‘ venue. Surely any woman would want to meet you in a public place first, you might be a mad axe murderer for all she knows.

    7. I’m afraid I fell for this type of romance scam. A person claiming to be a local dominant woman from alt.com contacted me and required me to pay for sex toys in order to start my training. No meeting could take place otherwise. I asked for a receipt with her name and address as part of the deal. She agreed and I foolishly sent her the money. The receipt was sent but when I checked the local address, no such person lived there.
      She explained that she had borrowed large sums of money from dangerous people to seal a deal in an antique business she was involved with in China and that’s why she had to move. She begged to borrow more money from me because the Chinese authorities needed to be paid for release documents before she could be paid. She sent me copies of those documents as well as her passport.
      She promised and swore that she would repay me double and become my girlfriend as well. Of course, she still hasn’t told me where she lives, still can’t meet me and is still asking for one last final loan
      I must have been out of my mind to fall for all this.
      Is there anything I can do? Is it worth going to the police or any other authority? Your advice would be most appreciated.
      Thank you for your time.

      1. I’m so sorry you got scammed :(. That sucks.

        As for what you can do. I’m pretty sure the money is gone: They are smart enough to make sure any payments are untraceable.

        But most countries now take online scammers very seriously, so look up “reporting online scam” for your country or state and see what advice they have.

        Hopefully you haven’t given them any compromising or identifying information, but if this was recent, you can probably expect emotional manipulation and threats to come next. Don’t engage further. Block them everywhere.

        Ferns

    8. Thank you for your comments Fern. I was scammed in a similar way last year by some “Mistress” who claimed her baby daughter was ill and needed to go to Canada for treatment. Once in Canada she said she needed more money to release her passport which was being held as collateral. I refused. She did send photos. Seems like all the so called “Mistresses” on alt (or other sites I’ve checked) just ask for money or require me to buy sex toys and refuse to meet before hand. They are all scammers and liers. Can’t trust anyone!
      Guess finding a real Mistress is just a dream or a fantasy.

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