How to find a finsub: Part 2

Part 1 here.

So how did my Champagne Boy (CB) and I get from there to findom?

We talked a lot about various forms of D/s over the time we’ve known each other, his ideas and tastes becoming clearer, evolving. He became more comfortable with them, realised that F/m as a relationship model can actually work vs just being a fantasy.

Our discussions were largely theoretical and about long term relationships, but of course we were interested in each other’s views and wanted to get to know each other, so we talked about relationship styles and kinks and our respective thoughts about both.

It is hugely powerful for newbies to (finally) talk about their interests and thoughts in an accepting environment with someone who doesn’t think they are at all strange or weird, and it’s a delight to watch someone become comfortable in their own skin, to settle into their desires instead of hiding from them, to learn more about options and possibilities.

CB is quite service orientated, but two kinks stood out as more interesting to him as control mechanisms: Chastity and financial domination.

A few months ago, in the context of those discussions, CB said he was tentatively thinking about the idea of offering me some financial control and asked if I’d be interested. We batted about ideas of what that might look like, seeing if we could land on the same page and sort out logistics.

We both agreed that the spirit of any exchange was that his handing over some level of financial control was a service and privilege and a token of submission. That my acceptance of that from a position of dominance was a measure of trust and power exchange.

We talked about it for about a week, both about the D/s side and the logistics. My primary goals were that he feel safe, that it be fun, that it was a positive experience for both of us, and that it was a good thing for our relationship.

After we seemed to be in broad agreement about how it might work, I put together a ‘Financial Domination Contract’ laying out how I could see something working, and sent it to him for review.

The crux of the agreement was that we would try it for a month, he would set a budget amount of his choosing which was mine to spend on whatever I wanted. I would tell him what to buy for me, he would make the purchase, the balance would be updated.

Key concepts for me were having structure, clear rules and boundaries, and feeling served. I wanted it to feel like I could go ‘get this, boy!’ and have it actioned.

Key concepts for him were having expectations, getting direction, and being accountable. It would be his first taste of actual submission.

There was more, of course, around how we each wanted to feel, but that’s impossible to put into an agreement. Suffice it to say that we wanted it to feel like D/s and not, say, like ‘doing a favour’ or ‘buying things for a friend’.

The contract contained the terms of our agreement and outlined both of our responsibilities. It ran from mid July to mid August.

How did it go?

Well, it worked quite wonderfully :). It was sweet and thrilling to find items I wanted and have him run off and purchase them for me. His enthusiastic response to any requests was just lovely.

I spent a surprising amount of time thinking about what he should buy for me once we pulled the trigger, bouncing around going ‘ooh this! or that!’. It was new and exciting, but I also had to be super diligent about the items I chose because I did NOT want him to fail, and the international transactions meant I had to do quite a bit of research into web sites and products (some US sites won’t deliver here, or the shipping is multiple times the cost of the item, some local sites won’t take international credit cards etc).

But the simplicity of the actual exchange, of saying ‘that please’ and having my finsub go and get it, was both hugely fun and surprisingly powerful. The range of findom spoils are in the image above: Makeup, clothes, jewellery, spa treatment… luxuries :).

At the end of our first month, it felt like we were finding our feet with it, relaxing into it a bit more. Per the contract agreement, we had a chat about whether to continue for another month and if so, what we would change.

We talked about tightening up the control: I added more severe financial penalties for failures, formalised the language for requests and responses, and made a few other minor changes.

Me: So as my successful finsub for the last month, would you like to submit to a second month of financial domination, with these tweaks to our agreement?
CB: Yes
Me: Yes what?
CB: Yes, Ma’am. Sorry, Ma’am.
Me: *smile* Good boy. Would you like to increase the budget for the next period?
CB: Would you?
Me: Yes. 50% more. See how it feels
CB: Twice as much, Ma’am
Me: You are a tough negotiator. Twice as much it is :)
CB: ????, Ma’am.

We are in the middle of the second contract now, and I have already drafted the contract for month three, which makes me happy.

I feel more relaxed this month, less concerned about it not going well or hitting unexpected problems, so I’m able to enjoy the exchanges more. I trust him to do his best and I also trust us to deal with any issues that might come up. He missed sending a package by the date we agreed, and our process for sorting that out was simple, clear, and worked as intended (he apologised and explained, I told him what I expected from him to avoid it happening again, I had him pay the agreed penalty, and we moved on). That gives me the confidence that we can do the same in future if we need to, and can do it easily and well.

So all in all, this findom lark has been pretty great :).

TL;DR: So how DO you find a finsub?

  1. Create 10+ years of content to entice him to contact you
  2. Talk to him for a few years, get to know him, become good friends
  3. Wait for him to suggest that he might be interested in findom
  4. Negotiate and agree the terms, then make it work for both of you
  5. PROFIT!

You’re welcome :).

Loves: 29
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  1. This is all very lovely. I’m a big fan of the idea of findom, and this all sounds so sweet and fun.

    Thank you for that easy to follow guide at the end, too. Maybe in 10 more years I can have a finsub of my own. :P

    1. It doesn’t always have to take that long Miss, I’ve entered into genuine fin sub relationships on the basis of less time and forged wonderful connections with my domme doing so, but otherwise every Ma’am says in her piece about reaching that point and level of financial servitude holds true, trust, good communication, genuine connection, setting clear mutually agreed upon boundaries etc is so crucial to any D/s relationship and a fandom based one particularly.

      I would be delighted to discuss this further if Miss wishes, I have only ever been a fin sub to Australian dommes but as Ma’am demonstrates that possibilities are universal.

      Yours humbly

      1. @Lee

        “It doesn’t always have to take that long Miss”

        It may have been a bit too subtle, but both my postscript and Iscah Eve’s reply were joking :).

        Given most findom arrangements are a few emails and then money changes hands, this ’10+ years’ thing is entirely tongue-in-cheek :).

        “I’ve entered into genuine fin sub relationships on the basis of less time and forged wonderful connections with my domme doing so”

        That’s wonderful to hear, I’m glad it worked so well for you and your dominant :).

        “I have only ever been a fin sub to Australian dommes but as Ma’am demonstrates that possibilities are universal.”

        They are universal, but clearly we Australian findoms are the best findoms :).


    2. @Iscah Eve: It is very sweet and lots of fun :).

      And you’re most welcome for the ‘how to’ guide. I aim to be as helpful as possible :P.


    1. This is such a lovely arrangement— for you both! I am new to D/s, still learning my way, but you really show how crucial it is to take things slow and start with the basics. The sub I have right now (my first) is greedy and in such a hurry. Maybe one day!

      1. @Missy: Congratulations on having a lovely submissive to learn and explore with :).

        Some people do just fine jumping straight into the deep end and going super-fast (and a lot of new folks (not just subs :P) really really want to do that because it’s all so new and exciting, who can blame them :)).

        I’d rather manage the pace at a speed where I can see exactly how each step plays out and smooth any small bumps along the way. It’s a lot easier to navigate little glitches than going hell-for-leather and then trying to deal with some big show-stopper-level landmine that neither of saw coming.


  2. “It is hugely powerful for newbies to (finally) talk about their interests and thoughts in an accepting environment with someone who doesn’t think they are at all strange or weird, and it’s a delight to watch someone become comfortable in their own skin, to settle into their desires instead of hiding from them, to learn more about options and possibilities.”

    I’m so glad that worked for you and CB.

    I’ve had several experiences with middle-aged newbies whom I treated the same way. They insisted they were genuinely interested in a RL relationship, and … they weren’t. A lifetime of guilt and shame and social conditioning trumped desire and my best efforts at being “accepting” and my assurances that their cravings aren’t “weird” or “strange”. Some men will never be “comfortable in their own skin”. Whether they’d rather see themselves as “bad boys” than accept that D/s can be a legitimate part of a normal relationship, or they waited too long, or whatever, they cheat themselves and every woman they come into contact with, vanilla or kinky. They cheat vanilla women with their dishonesty and kinky women with their lack of self-knowledge.

    You and I have discussed our different “getting to know you” styles before, Ferns, and I know you take longer than I to move to the meeting stage. But I honestly don’t think waiting longer would have helped in the several situations I’m thinking of. Unfortunately I think these men had to actually try things out to realize the fantasy was all they’d ever enjoy.

    I’ve been with my partner now for almost three and a half years. He didn’t have much experience but he had a bit. He’s very self aware and has little interest in social acceptance or conventionality. So he seemed like a good bet, and he has been. Even though we were 60 when we first got together he had no trouble owning his desires.

    (For anyone else reading this, Ferns featured our story here:

    1. I hear you 100%.

      I like newbies for a lot of reasons (not least that my last submissive was one and he was wonderful), but your experience is really common, and the reason why so many dominant women won’t touch them. Nobody wants to be used as a testing ground when they are emotionally investing their time and energy and hopes. It’s hard and it’s hurtful.

      You’re right: Newbies can’t know until they try it out. My last was terribly afraid that it would not be what he thought, what he had wished and hoped for, and he was terrified that he would let me down (it was, and it was, and he didn’t, so yay!). But there’s no getting around that, and I think that’s part of what makes it so difficult. They aren’t being arseholes (though how they behave with their realisation may make them one!), they just… can’t know what they don’t know.

      This findom arrangement that CB and I are doing is well outside of any ‘ready for a RL D/s relationship or not’ consideration, so it’s a very different thing. It’s low risk activity for both of us. He gets to do some safe exploration of something that is very tangible and real, and if he decides this is not feeling how he hoped or he gets scared about it and he doesn’t want to do it any more, there will be no damage done.

      Whether he’s ready for a RL D/s relationship is a whole other ball game on a whole other playing field :).


  3. I just want to give you a big hug for being such a wonderful caring (fin)domme.

    I hope all your slaves/subs know how lucky they are!!

    Love Tiptease

  4. It seems wonderful for both of you.

    “This may fracture the image you may have of me as some deviant mastermind”
    Now why would anyone think that.

    From my own experience D/s relationships work best when the dynamic slowly builds instead of being planned. I couldn’t give you any exact moment when my domme became “my domme ”
    , it just happened naturally as our relationship grew.


    1. It’s quite wonderful :).

      For me, organic growth (of both the relationship and the dynamic) works better also. If there’s something there, it will develop naturally. How fast depends, though. Sometimes organic CAN be fast :).


  5. Wow oh wow oh wow! The way you look in that dress is the most f**king perfect thing ever.

    And sports bra. Nails. Yes!!!!

    You are just amazing. Please please keep posting like this.
    And there’s words and stuff to read. In due course.

  6. This is one area that confuses me. I have never thought I had a dom bone in my body but I read this and it quite literally does things to me….. my heart races a little and I can feel my cunt tingle at the thought. If I am honest the whole idea excites the hell out of me and that is something I need to get my head around


    1. I somehow missed this comment. Intriguing given your recent writings about wanting to explore your dominant side now :)).


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