How To Find A Dominant Woman

Copyright How To Find A Dominant Woman‘ by Sharyn Ferns, Cover art by Submissive Guy Comics

Some version of ‘how do I find a dominant woman?’ is the most commonly asked question I see from submissive men both in my personal Q&A and on F/m internet forums.

Information and advice abounds on the topic: The main difficulty for someone trying to get help, though, is that it’s mostly in little snippets in random places with varying degrees of usefulness, so an actual cohesive answer to ‘yes, but what do I do?!’ is harder to find than you would think.

So here it is: THE answer* for any submissive men who are wanting a bit of help to put their best foot forward.

This guide for submissive men is short, sharp, and practical. Where to go, what to do, what NOT to do, how to give yourself the best possible chance to find your happy ever after. Or, at least, to make a start without inadvertently getting in your own way.

  • Things to know before you start
  • Places to meet dominant women
  • How to figure out if you’re compatible
  • How to approach dominant women
  • Five steps for writing a great introductory email
  • Examples of introductory emails that worked
  • Warning: How to spot online scammers

If you think it sounds useful for you or for a friend, please go grab it.

If you find it helpful, I’d really appreciate a review on Amazon: As an independent author, reviews are really valuable (you can change your display name if you don’t want a real name on the review).

Little squee: I already have one five star review *happies*!!

ETA: Bigger squee! Did I say one five star review? I meant two! TWO!! *bounce*. The second by the smart and thoughtful JT Revner who writes over on his Sex & Slavery blog.

*No ‘one true way’ implied, no guarantees for the ‘happily ever after’, the judges decision is final, no correspondence will be entered into etc etc. All legal recourse to be directed to my lawyer who might be busy with all the Sydney University lawsuits, but will give your complaint the attention it deserves in due course, kthxbai.

Loves: 35
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  1. Thank you for another publication! I *just* finished reading it and I do enjoy your writing style. I loved the message about the quivering boy jello. I would never have thought of that myself, but I love that someone did :D

    I only recently started to investigate the lifestyle and am still early in trying to meet people. I have been attending the local Munch to expand my friendship circle, which may (hopefully!) lead to me meeting someone. I am also trying to use Fetlife to establish an honest and positive image, though I think I am perhaps a little quiet on that front. I do not often feel I have anything productive to add to discussions.

    1. Thank you for buying it and for the lovely feedback!

      Good on you for getting out there and meeting people. It can be scary and you’re ahead of most new folks in that *smile*.

      On Fetlife, I can understand it can be difficult to feel as if your contributions are productive if you haven’t got much experience (though I’d argue that a lot of things that come up are less F/m and more ‘relationship-ey’), but there are groups where discussions are wider ranging and it might be easier there (e.g. there is at least one small femdom group where they have ‘do you have a pet’ and ‘what’s your favourite colour’ type discussions).

      If you have any non-kink interests or hobbies, it’s really worth taking a look at those groups (gaming, books, cooking, makeup, whatever) and seeing if you can find anything interesting that you might feel you can contribute to.


      P.S. If you feel inclined to write a review on Amazon, I’d really appreciate it. No pressure :)!

  2. Hey Ferns!

    Great read, I should review it in the next day or two though I don’t know if you’ll see it unless you go through Amazon Canada. Your ‘So What Now’ paragraph made me smile. As I’ve mentioned before I have reasons why it’s hard for me to trust people. I’ve hidden behind “Evolving” on Fet for a while now but that may soon change. I’m also going back to school in a few months and I’m using that to try and work on my social skills in general too.

    I have an idea of the level of F/m I want but my practical experience is almost nil so I’m wary of over and under detailing it in a profile. Still, I have an opportunity in August to let my inclination more known in real life which may help somewhat. There’s more detail of course but I don’t want to derail the post. Is it okay if I message you on Fet again?

    (This is not me trying to fish for any cyber play or anything, I just haven’t had the chance to really talk with a Domme about this stuff before and I want something in real life and we’re on opposite sides of the globe anyway. You probably know that but I want to differentiate myself from creeper messages even here ).

    Really enjoyed it, thanks for making this series!

    1. Thank you for buying it: I’m really glad you got something out of it.

      I would LOVE a review :)! Do you mind trying to do the review on using your same credentials as your Canadian account? I’m sure someone from Amazon UK told me that they did that.

      And yes, it’s perfectly fine for you to message me over there (ooh August?! Exciting!).


  3. I’ll try, never done that before, I’ll let you know if Amazon lets me do so. Fet message sent. It’s a bit of a book, sorry. I get a bit personal on my end. I respect you and I appreciate your insights.

  4. I found this enormously useful. Personally speaking, I am almost pathologically shy and I’ve never really acted on my submissive instincts. I just amble around the internet feeling ever more embittered, frustrated and lonely. Multiple attempts to use Fetlife and CollarSpace have always ended in tears; I invariably find myself perusing other profiles and feeling sick with jealousy at the lives that others – often far younger than me – appear to be leading. I am going to try to attend a Femdom Munch this Saturday though. It will be incredibly difficult, but I can’t go on like this because it’s making me ill.

    1. I’m so glad you found it helpful, that makes me happy :).

      It can be scary for sure, and good on you for taking the step.

      My advice (not sure if I put this in the book!): Contact the munch organiser on Fetlife tell them that you are wanting to attend but are new and shy and very nervous. They are mostly really happy to help make new people feel more comfortable (sometimes groups have greeters who meet and introduce people, sometimes the organiser will just keep an eye out for you and come and say hello and have a chat etc).

      It also helps to have made a commitment to someone to attend, it can give you a little nudge if you are talking yourself out of it.

      One thing you can try is to set yourself a small goal and don’t leave until you achieve it: Like ‘talk to one person: if you have a decent conversation, ask if you can friend them on FL’. That gives you one more person who you kind of know. That’s enough to get the ball rolling.

      Good luck!! :)


  5. Our passion makes us submissive. I’m volunteer to be part of Femdom videos as submissive man but I have no chance to realize this in my life. Very sad…????

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