I went on another vanilla date. This is (only) my second off a vanilla dating site. I talked about the first already.
In my defence of non-dating, I was caught up with the cougarling soon after that so it was moot.
I invited him out without much preamble in line with my ‘immersive dating’ attempts. He had interesting photos, was a half dozen years older than me, sounded ‘fine’ (‘dating immersion’ dictates that ‘fine’ is good enough to try).
So I turned up for a mid morning coffee meeting and quickly realised that attempting this sort of thing without wine was a bad idea. Not even because alcohol lubricates social interactions (though there is that), but because for me the tactile pleasure of having a cold, crisp glass of wine at hand is enjoyably distracting in a way that coffee is not. In my head coffee is for drinking, wine is for socialising.
He was ‘nice enough’, but after an hour, I was done. I felt… nothing. Like a person engaging in polite chit chat with a stranger, which is exactly what it was.
It was pleasant, but I pretty much gave up on ‘interesting’ when he said something off the cuff that actually revealed a little about his view of the world and I followed that path because ‘finally, something with a bit of substance!’ He got all flustered at where I was leading the conversation, and wanted to talk instead about whether I liked golf (I don’t).
He had a strange and distracting way of moving his mouth: As if his almost-perfect teeth were too big for him. I think maybe they were dentures, and if they were, they were new ones that he wasn’t used to yet. I felt marginally sorry for him, which is obviously about the furthest away from ‘hot-sexy’ as you can possibly imagine.
I abruptly declared that I had to go when I’d lasted as long as I could. Pleasantries on the way out, including him stating the obvious fact that I was really tall as he looked up to me. I put my height in my profile because I know it can be an issue for some men, so it was hardly a surprise. I asked him how tall he was. “6’1, he said. I know I looked sceptical because he SO wasn’t, but it didn’t matter.
In the car park, he asked what I was doing on the Saturday night. Being a crap liar, I told the truth: nothing. He invited me out for dinner. Being crap at politely declining when I’m taken by surprise, I said ‘yes’. Idiotic dating rookie!
Then I kicked myself for the next couple of hours and finally texted him, said I’d had a think about it and apologetically declined his dinner invitation. Ugh. HATE.
He was fine about it: I’m thankful for mature men.
All in all, the entire experience sucked. No doubt it sucked for him also.
I hate to say to myself (but I do) that I probably need a few more really lacklustre dates like this to elevate the ones that actually aren’t so bad. Though maybe that’s akin to trying to teach myself to ‘lower my expectations’ and I know that when I’ve done that in the past, I can end up putting a bunch of energy into something that has NO chance of working out. And that’s just a waste of time for both of us.
First thing: boozeless blind date? You must be out of your ever so sexy mind. Total rooky move.
Doubtless a deadful experience, but not unexpected? It mirrors my experience. You’ve put you’re lurkers and they will now be counting the number of bad dates to time when best to spring on you like a wolf on a beaten down lamb – so keep posting. Seriously, empathy. Not much fun.
I know! It was a bad idea. Lesson learnt.
And no, the lack of goodness was not unexpected (which is why I NEVER date randomly!), but I guess it’s the price of trying something new.
Funnily, sex bloggers who are dating never seem to talk about these dull dates. It’s always either ‘OMG SO GOOD!’ or ‘OMG SO TERRIBLE!’ when I HAVE to assume that the majority are just… ‘meh’. I guess ‘meh’ just isn’t interesting enough to write about over and over (and fair enough!).
Look if a lurker comes out here he should know enough about me and what I want to be able to bring it. So they are most welcome! I’ll wait right here…
Hey, on the bright side I’m seriously impressed by how easy you are to pick up. It’s very encouraging. All a guy has to do is to arrange the next date for within 2 hours of the first one so you don’t get a chance to have rational thoughts.
Was the feeling-slightly-sorry thing a factor in your bad decision making? I assure you I’m utterly pitiable.
I hate dating vanillas, that’s what I’m learning. So I put up that I’m kinky, and that has gotten me worse off in the vanilla world.
My new strategy is to attend kink events and find someone who at least could be a friends with benefits/play partner.
I wonder if they “hate” dating you? Too often we in the so-called “kink” world believe we have a monopoly on what’s good and intimate and fulfilling in a relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. To have a preference for a “kink” is one thing. To state that one “hates dating” vanillas suggests a bigotry that does no one any good. If this sounds like a lecture, well, it is.
I do not envy you at all… Sounds bloody boring….
Great read as usual .
It clearly wasn’t a totally bad date idea as it allowed you both to asses attraction and compatibility.
Don’t confuse the outcome with the process.
I once went on a date with a Velociraptor. She was a great dancer with fantastic nails but we had little in common with regards to music and politics so we didn’t meet again.
A perfectly reasonable outcome.
I love the vulnerability in this piece. I feel as though all online dating chat is just a very basic filtering to get to what is essentially a blind date. Then on that date you get to do all the non-verbal ‘vibe’ assessment that is the most important thing about attraction.
I’ve been in that position where the date has “ended” but you’re still physically there. Awkward. But once you remove the expectation you secretly (and powerfully) had, it’s not really so so bad. At least that’s my view.
Thankyou for a great piece Miss.
Thank you. And yes, ALL dating is really just a filtering process.
“I’ve been in that position where the date has “ended” but you’re still physically there. Awkward.”
This take made me laugh, and it’s spot-on :).
“But once you remove the expectation you secretly (and powerfully) had, it’s not really so so bad”
I disagree with this, though. Really because I’m an introvert. I find all dating excruciating for all the reasons. And that’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just the way it is :/.