Earlier I tweeted this:
This morning I received the most heartwarming email from a lovely woman who credits my book for having had a positive influence on her 20+ year relationship with her husband. I was moved almost to tears by her words. I felt both proud and incredibly humbled.
They were exploring a femdom dynamic, and she was enjoying it well enough, but while it was fun for her, the ‘how is this sexy for me?’ bit was missing.
When you look around for information about how F/m works, it’s often shown as a kind of transactional exchange *even when that’s not the intent*:
- She ‘does stuff’ to him if he’s ‘good’
- Less commonly, she has him ‘do stuff’ to her if he’s ‘good’
- If he does what she wants, she rewards him with something he wants
- She will do something he likes, and to show his gratitude he will do something she likes
In addition, there is a wealth of information out there about how to be a ‘good dominant’, about how to play safely, how to manage D/s, about learning skills, about different kinds of play.
Which is all very well and good, but none of that provides a very compelling picture of a loving relationship or a passionate sex life.
It’s *erotica* that not just explains, but *shows* how it can be hot and sexy and intimate.
Not porn, which is nearly always devoid of sensual context, but erotica that places you in a scene where there is passion and connection and intimacy, and that engages more of your senses than just your genitals.
So it DOES sound grandiose to suggest that erotica can open up possibilities, but I do think that F/m dynamics are still largely hidden which means there are few reference points to see how love and play might actually work. And having glimpses into how intensely personal, hot, and passionate they can be can actually make a difference.
And that kind of blows my mind.