Emailing with a vanilla friend…
“I still can’t really grasp the connection between violence and sexual excitement.”
Ha! It’s so incredibly complex.
I can try and explain it in a bunch of different ways, but I do think it’s one of those things that you can’t ‘get’ until you ‘get it’. Like how oral sex seems like the grossest thing ever pre-puberty, then you do it and go “Oooohhh… I get it now”. But even if you get it, trying to explain WHY it’s great and a turn on to someone who says “I can’t really grasp why you would do that, explain it to me”: That’s hard.
But to be clear, I’m not a sadist. I don’t seek out people to hurt. My last submissive was my first masochist and honestly, I didn’t really know if I was going to be able to figure out what to do with him play-wise. But for me, the play is almost irrelevant. I find buttons, and I press them. I discovered with him that a masochist with a strong and vivid vulnerability and an immersive imagination has a bunch of buttons that are the BEST. THING. EVER.
Still with the oral sex equivalency, if you think about what DOES turn you on about it, it’s a bunch of complexities, but a key one has to be being the architect of your partner’s pleasure. You create it, you manipulate it, you can give or deny or draw it out, or do any of those things. The enjoyment is not in ‘putting your mouth on a body part’ (otherwise it may as well be an elbow, not that there’s anything wrong with that!), it’s in how you are making them feel, in creating this intimate exchange between you, in watching and feeling and experiencing their reactions, in being able to GIVE them that.
So all of THAT is a part of the bigger picture. It’s action and response, it’s manipulating feelings, and in playing between pleasure and pain you are architecting this amazing exchange, and watching someone (‘making’ someone) go through that is amazing. And you can confuse all of their senses until they are a fucking mess of need and desperation and pleasure and they hate it and they love it and they don’t even know any more but it makes them vulnerable in a kind of pure way because you can strip them of everything else.
So that too. None of the above addresses the violence directly, but it doesn’t exist in isolation of all of that.
The easiest, most relatable thing I can say about wanting to enact violence is this: Have you ever wanted someone so badly you just wanted to throw them on the bed and fuck the hell out of them? That’s pretty common, right? Well, it’s that. On steroids.
When you have sex have you ever felt *SO MUCH PASSION* that you really just didn’t know where to put it? Like you can’t fuck hard enough, can’t get close enough, can’t get far enough inside of them, you can’t touch enough of their skin because you want to touch ALL OF IT AT ONCE, just *nothing* is ENOUGH, and maybe you grab at them to try and bring them closer, or you find yourself sinking your teeth into their shoulder, some mindless (I’m making hand motions in the air now… ha!) growling lizard-brained **NOT ENOUGH MORE MORE MOOOORREE** thing.
For me, at its core, it’s that. Heightened.
The violence comes from running out of space to put that feeling, it doesn’t fit in my body or in any tenderness or in any space that I know of: There’s no way to express that feeling.
So for me what’s in my head is “I want to bite your fucking face off and rip your chest open and hold your fucking heart in my hand and watch it beat for me. GIVE ME THAT!!”
Nothing is intense enough to get that feeling out. So I enact it in ways that allow me to get inside of him without having to tear his skin off: you haven’t seen someone at their most vulnerable until you see them in that state where they are stripped bare, and it’s amazing and powerful and intimate and bonding and incredible and difficult and sofuckinghot.