I want to write more about bambi, snippets of hot sweetness, things that make me smile, but it feels weird. I can’t quite put my finger on why. I have never had trouble writing about boys and sweetness after the fact before.
Maybe because it’s done, it feels like I am romanticising something that didn’t work out, something that is best left in the ‘oh well’ box. It feels a little sad, and I don’t mean sad as in ‘it hurts my heart’, but sad as in ‘geez, move on already, that’s pathetic…’
But I have moved on, we both have. And maybe THAT’S what makes it feel strange.
When I try and write about it, it feels foreign in a way that is unfamiliar to me. Maybe it’s because I’m not working through anything, maybe not even really feeling anything.
Maybe THAT’S it.
That I need to bring up feelings to write well about it, and because of the limited nature of how it worked for us, the complexity that feeds into the way I normally write just doesn’t exist. The emotional residuals are not there to draw on, so the recounting of moments doesn’t feel how I expect it to, doesn’t make it onto the page with any depth.
But still, moments with him pull at me in that way that makes me smile. They are lovely, sweet, happy-making, they are a nod to him, they make me hopeful for future possibilities.
And THAT makes me want to write about it.
Edited to add: I DID write about it soon after posting this: Snippets of bambi.