I want to write more about bambi, snippets of hot sweetness, things that make me smile, but it feels weird. I can’t quite put my finger on why. I have never had trouble writing about boys and sweetness after the fact before.
Maybe because it’s done, it feels like I am romanticising something that didn’t work out, something that is best left in the ‘oh well’ box. It feels a little sad, and I don’t mean sad as in ‘it hurts my heart’, but sad as in ‘geez, move on already, that’s pathetic…’
But I have moved on, we both have. And maybe THAT’S what makes it feel strange.
When I try and write about it, it feels foreign in a way that is unfamiliar to me. Maybe it’s because I’m not working through anything, maybe not even really feeling anything.
Maybe THAT’S it.
That I need to bring up feelings to write well about it, and because of the limited nature of how it worked for us, the complexity that feeds into the way I normally write just doesn’t exist. The emotional residuals are not there to draw on, so the recounting of moments doesn’t feel how I expect it to, doesn’t make it onto the page with any depth.
But still, moments with him pull at me in that way that makes me smile. They are lovely, sweet, happy-making, they are a nod to him, they make me hopeful for future possibilities.
And THAT makes me want to write about it.
Edited to add: I DID write about it soon after posting this: Snippets of bambi.
I imagine anytime you write and it has to do with someone who has touched your life personally it is difficult at times. And yes I can understand the feeling of “its done already move on.” I feel that way anytime I write something I remember about Darksoul. I’ve actually even had people say “geez move on already.” What they fail to realize its not about not moving on its about treasuring the moments you had.
Whether you write about those memories with bambi here or just smile at those memories they are a moment of your life. Even after we have moved on we can still look back and smile at those moments because that is why they are important to us.
For me it’s more that there is a different emotional feeling around writing about bambi than I am used to because the very specific way we related was new to me.
I write easily about ex-partners, this is just… different.
You bring up an interesting point about the ‘writing about it here’ thing. My desire to write about it on the blog is about something *other* than memories (obviously). If I am honest, I’m not exactly sure what it’s about except the desire to tell the story more completely.
It is a filtered story (of course! I don’t tell everything here, and never will), so will always be incomplete, but it felt incomplete in a way that was niggling at me.