I am all over the place with random thoughts, and I really can’t put them together into anything cohesive, so this is a collection of things I am thinking at the moment, in no particular order.
- I vacillate between feeling sweet with bambi and feeling sad, and much depends on the flavour of our last interaction
- Today I feel sweet, I didn’t want to let him go home this morning
- I want us to have amazing experiences together, but the context makes it challenging
- My bedroom smells like sex and lube and sweat
- Today I suddenly want to punch him. We are running out of time for the things I want
- I let bambi sleep in my bed last night for the first time, adorably cocooned in sheets and sarongs
- He can give wonderful warm, tight, full-body-contact hugs, and I like the way my body fits against him when he does that
- Yesterday he redid my toenail polish
- I have been giving myself a pass on my eating and gym habits while he is here. He is taking up my emotional and physical energy, I just haven’t much left for other things
- This morning we went for a body surf, then he made me coffee and breakfast, and then he washed the dishes. It was really sweet
I feel as if I am hanging onto the goodness here by force of will, and with just the tips of my fingers. If I lose my grip and fall, below lies a pit of badness. I just want to hang on long enough to make the most of him while he is here.
In that, I am still doggedly refusing to think about anything negative, those thoughts are going into a drawer in the back of my mind. There will be plenty of time to look at them later. Putting together this list was difficult enough because if I scratch the surface, I am afraid I will bleed out all over the floor.
Today we will go for a drive to a lookout, take a walk, probably have a swim. If we are lucky, we might see dolphins, or wallabies. And we will touch hands gently as we go, we will smile over silly things, I will pet his neck and reach up to kiss his cheek. And in the back of my mind, I will be picturing him naked and tied to my bed, internally assessing my mood as the moments pass to see what I want with him. Maybe languid kissing and gentleness, maybe something aggressive and violent. Counting off the hours until we are back home, staving off the melancholy with chatting and food and drink.
Tomorrow is another day.