I want to write, but my head is still scattered. Last time I said this, I posted a butt picture as a kind of placeholder because the use of actual words seemed too big of a stretch. It didn’t help, I still feel the same. I am not really sure why it’s happening, but I don’t like it much. In fact, I don’t like it at all.
I have 65 draft posts here in WordPress, and I also have a ‘Postings’ document that is well over 200 pages of random thoughts, half baked ideas, almost-completed posts. Last night I trawled through them to see if I could muster up the interest to finish something and post it.
I suspect my face was fixed in a scowl as I skipped over words and thoughts, going ‘no, no no…’. Some of the drafts were actually pretty good; thoughtful, personal, interesting. But none of them felt relevant for right now. None of them were things I felt compelled to say out loud at the moment (and that’s what I post, really: Thoughts I feel compelled to get out on the page right now).
My mind is not functioning as normal. *I’m* not functioning as normal.
I’m not sleeping well, having lots of dreams, my moods are all over the place, I am feeling tired and distracted from myself. My mind feels fractured, and while I’m having no problem with day-to-day practical things and short-sharp bursts of concentration, complex abstract thoughts are currently out of my reach.
Frustratingly, I can’t put my finger on why this is going on to try and fix it. There is no distinct ‘feeling’ about it that I can address. I think my lack of desire and ability to write here is indicative of where my head is at. Perhaps that, more than anything else.
Maybe I am still in ‘introvert-recovery‘ mode and all of these are symptoms. I thought I was over it, was even looking forward to company. So I had a friend visit for a day on the weekend, went for dinner with my ex earlier this week, arranged lunch with my dad for tomorrow, arranged a date with a 6’5 cutie for next week (aww yeah, that got your attention didn’t it? *laugh*). I feel neutral and somewhat disinterested about all of that (versus the pressure of having to be social that I’d expect if I was in full introvert-mode).
So, here’s my plan: I am going to commit to writing something here every day for a week. Even if it’s just a few sentences of rambly irrelevance.
I want to see if it helps to break through this thing, whatever ‘this thing’ is, see if it will force me to engage the parts of my brain that are stubbornly refusing to co-operate with me.
Let’s see if I can’t kick start this thing *kick*.