Stealing a submissive

I’m always baffled when I hear about how someone ‘poached’ or ‘stole’ another person’s submissive.

It just makes no sense.

Are there people who will go after someone who is already partnered up? Sure. They might do it with a vengeance, and they might employ all of their considerable charm, and offer cookies. If you want to get angry at those people for displaying a lack of ethical behaviour, then that’s fair enough. Go for it.

But submissives aren’t inanimate objects with no agency of their own, no matter what anyone says.

If they leave their partner to be with someone else, they CHOSE to do that. Nobody ‘stole them away’.

They made a choice, and as much as it might hurt, they are entitled to it. And if they say things like “I couldn’t help it” or “they made me”, they are clearly the kind of person who is unwilling or unable to take responsibility for their own choices. Regardless, it was still their choice to make.

If someone leaves you, it sucks. If someone leaves you for someone else, it sucks even worse. I get it. But nobody ‘steals’ another person.

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  1. I dunno… I’ve been sitting here for years, with the keys in the ignition and everything, and nobody has ever tried to steal me… I suspect I may have a dead battery *laugh*

  2. Agreed. Rejection (which is what it boils down to) is generally unpleasant. Frankly though, I would be glad to know that I’d dodged a bullet. Someone who could be “poached” was clearly not that into me. And I’d rather someone who is all over me like white on rice. And in addition to that, I wouldn’t like the lack of clear communication it implies if he can’t tell me he’s met someone else he’s interested in. Either he’s lacking in ethics (not desirable to me) or he can’t manage the difficult conversations (also not desirable to me).

    1. Nodding along on all of your points.

      “Someone who could be “poached” was clearly not that into me. And I’d rather someone who is all over me like white on rice.”

      This. Absolutely.


  3. I believe the correct term is kidnapping ;) or are we at cross purposes here :)?
    But yes it is silly but that’s some people for you they just can’t accept that anyone could be more attractive than them

    1. Well it would depend on the situation but kidnapping is a completely legitimate option.

      :looks at that last sentence:

      Wait. That’s wrong. o.o

      1. It’s only crime if you get caught otherwise it’s it’s it’s ummm free enterprise yeah that’s it alright *nods wisely*

    1. You know, I puzzle over the motivation for this belief.

      I think you are partly right, but I also think there is somehow more ‘dignity’ in believing that someone ‘stole’ your partner than in facing the fact that they just left you because they liked someone else better.

      The former is grounds for angry outrage, the latter is grounds for terrible hurt and self questioning. I can understand choosing the angry outrage out of those two options.


  4. I have been falling behind on commenting to this over time, but I promise to catch up. I couldn’t agree more with your post. It seems as though people think that submissive means unable to control themselves or weak in some way. The submissive is not an excuse as I have said many times.
    I am submissive, but I know full well of my actions and how they affect both myself and those around me and I fully take responsibility for those actions because I am an adult.

    For the record, though, if anyone wants to steal me just let me know!


    1. “I fully take responsibility for those actions because I am an adult.”

      Yes exactly! And I imagine you would be quite insulted if someone implied that you didn’t make the decision, but were ‘stolen’ from your former partner.

      “For the record, though, if anyone wants to steal me just let me know!”

      Just wait in a dodgy area, and leave your keys in the ignition.


  5. If a Dom feels they have to entice another Doms sub away rather than finding their own sub that says more about them than it does about you, Some Doms are inadequate like that and can’t find a sub on their own so they poach other Doms subs a very dangerous game, As far as i can see Doms of this type are not to be trusted and should be shunned as they are not a true Dom but an opportunist pretending to live the lifestyle and should in no way be trusted within a community.

    1. I don’t disagree that there is an ethical issue there, but you kind of missed my main point: Submissives can’t be ‘stolen’. They are not inanimate objects that don’t have free will.

      Dominant woman: *inappropriate suggestion at owned submissive*
      Submissive: Lol bye.

      There, sorted.


      1. Do these people even exist? I’ve recently tried to find a Mistress to own me… seems like fishing in a puddle.

  6. It’s a matter of decorum and etiquette. It’s rude to pursue someone in a monogamous relationship (vanilla or BDSM). It’s rude to pursue someone in a polyamorous relationship in an underhanded way i. e. contacting the person secretly, not being open with all their partners, etc.

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