Q&A with Ferns…

I haven’t shared any Q&A for ages.

In case you’ve forgotten, I have an Ask me page where you can *gasp* ask me questions (I know, you totally didn’t see that coming didja?!). You can also check out questions I’ve been answering and wave your fist impotently at ridiculous things I have said.

I know you don’t want to clickety click over there because it’s just *too much trouble* (lazy gits!), and since I approve of laziness and like to support you in it as much as possible, I’ve copied the last few here so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome!

As someone who feels neither male nor female, and seriously does not jive with the whole feminine woman thing with regards to how I should approach a relationship with a man, I was wondering if you could help me on this.

I’ve always found vulnerable and sweet men incredibly attractive, more so that more domineering types. In your opinion, do I have a domme aspect to my sexuality, or is it just what my personality leads me to prefer?

– H

Hello H,

On the little you have said, I don’t see a dominant aspect to your sexuality. I consider dominance to be the desire to be in charge of your relationship in some way, so it’s about the interaction between you and your partner and how that works. It sounds to me like you have a preference for certain qualities in a partner and though ‘vulnerable and sweet’ are certainly qualities that I like in my submissive men, there are many vanilla men who have those qualities also.


My husband and I switched roles from Master to slave to slave and Domme last year. I have to share that it’s been awesome and I love being a Domme and I sense he loves pleasing me as a slave.

The reason we switch after 10 years was because we were struggling with our roles, especially me. I had fears, frustration, and it was no longer serving me well to be a slave. My husband came up with the idea we switch and although I was not ure about it at first it was actually the best thing for us or has been until last night. After a day of play and some spanking we went out and had few cocktails.

By the end of the evening we were out of control arguing about what I don’t know anymore. He acted out over something I said which was misunderstood, etc….and I couldn’t calm him down. It was like the old us again and I hated it. I want to gain control of this situation and I want to have the confidence that I can and he will follow.

Last night I went to bed crying. This morning he did make the effort to follow through with his protocols that I have for him and so I know he is not giving up but I got to find some kind of resolution. It’s the first time we have hit this kind wall. Sure I could punish him, right? But I truly want him to understand that his behavior was out of control because it was. I don’t want to spank him for this either. I want something more powerful and I just wish I knew.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I appreciate your input.

Ugh, that sounds terrible. I’m so sorry you had that experience. Disagreements and arguments happen and need to be dealt with, and D/s doesn’t magically fix it. This stuff is complex, so the best I can do is tell you what I do.

Firstly I’d say that as the Domme, it’s my responsibility to manage things when they go wrong. Often I would rather just hide my head under a pillow and have a good rage and cry, but I can’t expect him to follow if I am not going to tackle the hard stuff and *lead*.

It’s been a few days since you asked this question, so maybe you have sorted it already, but initiating a (non-blamey) chat about what happened is important. Then an open discussion about what the two of you (together) are going to do about it to prevent it happening again. How could you (both) have avoided it or dealt with it better at the time? Come up with some strategies for next time it happens and agree to them. Maybe a time-out when it was getting heated would have helped? Maybe even a safeword to say ‘I am getting really angry/upset and need to stop for ten minutes (or an agreed amount of time)’. Take the lead in facing it and sorting it out. It will make you feel like you are actively managing your relationship and not sitting back and hoping it will get better.

I totally get where you are coming from with the idea that you have been shaken and you want to gain back that feeling of confidence in your dynamic. I agree with you that punishment is not going to do it. I really think you need to reaffirm with him that he wants this and that he agrees on how your relationship should work. It is not solely *your* job to shore up your confidence all on your own. What happened has shaken the dynamic and that takes two.

I wrote a post a while ago that is related in that it explains what I do when things don’t go right. It is specifically about when your submissive says ‘no’, but is also applicable if things are just ‘going wrong’. It might help.

Please remember that you are in this together. It’s a relationship, not a combat zone, and you are not mapping out a strategy to overpower an enemy and drag him along. You are mapping out a strategy *together* and travelling the road *together*, so come up with practical ways to do that gives you something concrete for handling something similar if it comes up again.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you feel like letting me know how it is going, I’d love to hear how you dealt with it.


Hello Ferns,

I’m on FL and found your lovely blog from there. I am looking to continue with finding my power, and my dominate side. However, I have found myself in a situation where I feel like I have been manipulated due to my “newness” to this lifestyle.

So, if I am supposed to play and get to know me, and learn which I did learn alot from these 2 sessions. And, I’m grateful for this…I think this will give me a better opportunity later to notice it quicker.

Where does one really start looking for that partner – I do have a want/desire for the FLDD – not just the FLR but now where do I go – I’m still reading and of course – learning, but just a pointer in the right direction?

It seems that if you start the kink before the full relationship that might be backwards or can it turn both ways?

Thank you,
Christine (MSweetz)

Hello there, Christine. Welcome to my blog!

Congratulations on your explorations. There are a lot of different ways to learn and to find relationships, so it’s good that you are getting information from various sources. What might work for one person may be completely unsuitable for someone else.

One thing that is sometimes hard for newbies is to recognise that BDSM relationships are no different from vanilla relationships in terms of how you build them, whether it’s a long term romantic relationship (FLR, FLDD, D/s), a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement, or just friends. You need to do that work, and finding someone compatible is just HARD.

If your first experience was with a submissive you met and immediately played with, and he turned out to be a selfish manipulative arsehole, it’s no different from some vanilla guy you met in a pub, immediately had sex with, and he turned out to be a selfish manipulative arsehole. It takes *time* to get to know someone well, so while you *can* start with kink first, often the trappings of BDSM can hinder instead of help that process (that is, if he’s all ‘yes Mistress, no Mistress’, you aren’t really getting to know him as a person to judge whether he is a good match (or even a good person). They ALL seem like good matches when it’s all about play!).

If you want to learn play techniques safely (both emotionally and physically) now before you have a trusted partner of some sort, your local community is really the best way to go about it. You can meet people with different skills to learn from, and play in public spaces with people who are known. Low risk, high reward.

Finding relationships: Fetlife (join groups with your interests, participate, take note of men who interest you, send them a note), CollarMe (you will be contacted by a gazillion wankers there, but search, contact potentials), your local community (go out, get to know people).

P.S. I had to look up FLDD! Female Lead Domestic Discipline for others that don’t know it.


I think about you a lot during the day, while I’m working, and your side of the world is quiet and asleep… And hoping that you’re having wonderful dreams.

*smile* Oh, what a lovely thing that is to hear. Thank you for thinking of me. Are you sending me sweet dreams?


Well first thanks for the blog… Intelligent, funny, dominant and we know “has pretty hot right arm/bicep”… So in Texas we would say if your daddy owned a liquor store you’d be perfect…

So in a committed D/s relationship the dominant has a great deal of authority, but when getting to know her we are starting as just friends who are interested in seeing if there is any there there right? So how do you advance dominance and control AS you get to know each other? Or do you think it’s wait until you give all control? If that didn’t make complete sense I’ll gladly follow up….


*smile* Thank you for the sweetness and the Texan compliment, michael!

Your question made perfect sense. It’s a good one.

Everyone is different (duh… I know that’s not useful). For me, there is a line that keeps someone from slipping into ‘just friends’. If they treat me platonically, like a ‘mate down the pub’, they become desexualised to me. It’s like I put their genitals in my pocket, never to be seen again.

So while I want to get to know someone, it is not really ‘as friends’, it is ‘as potential partners’. There’s a difference. The way it works for me is that there is *always* an undercurrent of flirtation if I am interested in someone, and that includes D/s flirting.

As I get *more* interested and want to express that interest, I start to itch to exert some dominance to see how it feels and to see how he reacts. I expect the complement from him: as he starts to feel more interest and affection and desire more strongly, I want to see him *offer* his submission in small ways to express that feeling.

So really, the D/s side develops organically as we get to know each other, and as we get closer, as interest, affection and desire build, the D/s part also grows.


Mirror mirror, on the wall
Who is the fairest [male sub] of them all?

Why, you are, my dear, you are!

how do you go about finding a good D/s relationship? is it possible for one to evolve in a marriage? or should they only exist outside of marriage

People go about finding good D/s relationships in all sorts of ways. Me, I put myself out there on my blog, on BDSM sites (CM, Fetlife), I engage online with people in discussions, I participate in online communities, I contact submissive men who look interesting to me, I email and chat with those I think I might have a connection with, and sooner or later, I will inevitably find one who I click with.

Others go out into their local community (attend munches, parties, events) to socialise and hope that they hit it off with someone.

It’s not a lot different from finding any vanilla relationship, the main difference is that you have to be somehow connected to the communities where BDSM folks hang out. You *can* (and people do!) find someone out in the vanilla world and make it work, but it’s a lot more difficult to find people who might share your desire for a BDSM-type relationship.

It IS possible for D/s to evolve in a relationship. There are challenges if you are essentially trying to change the structure of your relationship, but it’s certainly possible. There are a lot of discussions on Fetlife about this. If you haven’t looked around there you should. Also, try reading ‘Uniquely Rika’, which is the closest to touching on how this might work.

A definitive NO to ‘should it only exist outside a marriage?’. It can, assuming you are poly and/or open with your partner and they are happy about you pursuing D/s outside of your marriage, but there is no ‘should’ there. My preference is to have my submissive be my primary romantic partner (i.e. my boyfriend/husband (if I was that way inclined)), but quite a few people have a primary vanilla relationship, with a D/s relationship outside of that. But having multiple relationships of any kind is a LOT of work, so if you go that route, don’t for one second assume that it will make anything easier.

do you think it is possible to be both dominant and a masochist?

Yes, absolutely. I know of quite a few dominant masochists.

Dominance is about authority and masochism is about sensation. Two very different things that can happily co-exist.


I like to go back and read your old posts because sometimes, I just can’t get enough of you.

*smile* That is so lovely, thank you for giving my older posts some love.


Yes, of course there’s more! Just go to the Ask me page to ask me anything, simply scroll down to read more (and more and more!).

Loves: 3
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