When I met my boy, he was scared, as many newbies are scared.
Scared that he wouldn’t know what to do ‘as a submissive’.
Scared that this D/s thing wouldn’t be what he expected.
Scared that the reality wouldn’t live up to what was in his head, in his imagination.
Scared that he wasn’t really submissive, that he was ‘faking it’ somehow, fooling himself.
Scared that he wasn’t really a masochist, that his fantasies over all those years were false.
Scared that he would fail me, not be what I wanted.
Scared that I would lose interest because he hadn’t a clue what he was doing.
There was more fear, though, as if that wasn’t enough. There was also internally focussed fear, which was tenfold any of the above.
He was scared of finding out that the reality was everything he imagined, and more.
Scared of leaving behind nearly 40 years of thinking that he knew who he was.
Scared of losing his comfortable place in the world, as part of the ‘normal’ set.
Scared of admitting that he was not the person he had been pretending to be all of his life.
Scared of the idea of never again finding a ‘vanilla’ relationship enough.
Scared of the trouble he would have to go to in the future to find a partner.
Scared of having to completely rethink his internal image of ‘who he is’.
Scared that he could never go back.
People learn who they are over many many years, they become comfortable as they mature, they get to know and like themselves, they feel like they are walking around in the world in their own skin, and it fits them.
For some submissive men, especially those who come into their submission later in life, it can shake their foundation to change their view of themselves. The stereotypes don’t help here. Not at all. Any research they do into these feelings will bring up every horrible stereotype of submissive men that plague D/s, and who wants to be ‘that guy’?
But it’s more than that. For some, it means that they believe that they will never again be ‘normal’, will never again be able to walk around in the world and believe that they are like everyone else, they will never again be able to walk into a bar, a party, a social gathering and consider most women there potential partners. They may, in fact, go to a lot of trouble to deny, hide, change this about themselves. For some, this is no easy reconciliation.
And you know what? It doesn’t matter what you tell them, logic doesn’t play here. And for those lucky enough to breeze into their submission with nary a blip, it seems baffling that it could be such a terrifying thing. But it can be. It is scary to admit that you aren’t the person that you thought you were, that your family thinks you are, that your friends think you are, that your ex lovers and everyone who knows you thinks you are.
To anyone who is struggling with it: I get it. There isn’t really anything I can do to help, but I get that it can be fucking scary. Good for you for stepping bravely into it. I admire you for it.