I said in my last:
I *really* wish that I enjoyed casual playthings because I think that would open up some very interesting opportunities…
I’m defining a ‘casual plaything’ as a boy who is attractive, fun, appealing, and temporary. Someone with whom a long term relationship isn’t possible for whatever reason, a short term fling who I would primarily treat like a treasured toy for a time.
Sounds great, right?
But it’s not. I can’t.
For the most part, I am either interested enough in someone to WANT them (I mean WANT in all senses of the word: physically, emotionally, intellectually, to have/own/keep), or I’m really just not interested at all.
For me there generally isn’t an in-between of ‘I like him enough to be sweet together and play, but not enough to want more’.
There are a number of reasons for that.
The most obvious one is that I’m an introvert, and spending time with people is exhausting to me. There is a special exception for the person who makes his way into my heart: my love, my boy. When we get close enough, he becomes like part of me, and that sense of dreaded social energy expenditure goes away.
So that being the case, a casual relationship where he is NOT that close to me (and never will be) is exhausting to even contemplate. The idea of having to conjure up a bunch of social energy on a regular basis in order to meet up with someone, build the foundation, get a strong enough connection to want to play, then to get into the right headspace for the play itself, all the while knowing it will NEVER be different or better makes me want to crawl into a hole. I would have to throw a lot of energy at it every single time I saw him, and the return would just not be worth the work. Just the thought of it is exhausting. Oh hell no.
The second is that play and sex for sport, amusement, release, kicks is actually not much fun for me. I was never one for casual hook-ups on the whole. I need to get a lot more out of play than just the physical pleasure of it, so outside of a relationship context, it’s mostly just ‘going through the motions’ to me. I’d rather go and read a book.
The last is about feelings: vulnerability, emotional cost and ego.
For play to be worthwhile for me, it has to be intimate, and that means I need to feel safe enough to make myself vulnerable and to bring out his vulnerability. I don’t do that easily. I can actually *create* that sense of intimacy when I play if it’s working right, so in the moment, we *have* something special, sweet, meaningful. But it’s not ‘real’: the emotion in it is temporary, play-based, an illusion, and it dissipates quickly as normalcy returns. In the aftermath it hurts my feelings. I come out of it lonely, bereft, empty.
The ego thing is interesting to me. I have a pretty big ego: robust and hard to impact. But the truth is that when I give of myself like I do when I play, I struggle with the idea that it’s not enough to make him want more of me. I mean, how is it even possible that after I create these amazing intimate experiences that crack him open, he doesn’t just naturally fall at my feet in paroxysms of joyful devotion?! *laugh* That’s pure ego. My ego demands a depth of bonding and desire and feeling and meaning out of that kind of intimacy, and I’m not going to get that from a plaything.
I’m going to put a teaser here and say that despite *all of that*, I HAVE done it. When the stars aligned and the circumstances were just right, I have. For every rule, there are exceptions. More on that later…