I am planning the visit to see e. The accommodation is booked, a sweet apartment not far from him. I am looking at flights, and I am freaking out. I am going ahead, but I am freaking out.
I send him an email.
I do worry that we will not have things to talk about, despite having things to talk about so far, we have not talked about much of things. I would like for our emails to cover other topics (you know, other than the whole sex thing I have going on, which I am enjoying immensely), but I am not used to having to grope around for them. They normally just come up, ebb and flow, and we are not naturally doing that so much. It concerns me a little.
He is surprised:
You can’t be concerned about that; that’s my concern! How could you be adopting my concern?
He immediately wants to get on voice and talk about it. We do.
I explain that on the one hand, I am cool and calm. I mean, it’s only money, and the worst outcome is that there is no physical chemistry, and we are bored with each other. It’s not the end of the world. I will have a holiday somewhere new, and we will each go our separate ways. On the other hand, the freaking-out little voice is squealing, “What the fuck are you doing?!! Are you CRAZY?!!! FFS!!!”
He laughs and notes that the freaking-out voice is much higher pitched. I know it: that’s what freaking out sounds like!
I ask him if he’s freaking out. He isn’t, not yet. But we agree that we cannot freak out both at the same time. We make a freaking out arrangement. Only one of us is allowed to freak out at a time. This time, it’s me.
I am not changing my mind, I just want to be patted. He pats me just right.
I tell him he has to get on voice with me later when I buy the plane ticket, to hold my hand. I tell him it will be sweet. I hear the smile in his voice as he agrees, yes, it will be incredibly sweet.
And so later, we buy the plane ticket together, being silly and laughing as I have to make the booking 3 or 4 times to fix mistakes… checking and double checking dates and options. I am about to hit ‘Confirm’.
“Are you ready? Are you ready…?!!”
“Yes yes!! PRESS IT! PRESS IT!!!”
“I’m going to count to three… ready? Ready?!!”
“Arrggh! Why are you doing this to me?!!! Wait… is this what I am going to be saying over and over when you get here?!!”
*laugh* “Yes, just like that!! It is useful to get some practice in…”
We count to three together, “One….. twwwwooooo… THREE!”
I hit ‘Confirm’, the ticket is bought.
“This is sooo exciting!!” he says.
“I know!!!! Crazy, right?”
“Crazy… exciting. I just can’t wait until you get here… really…”
“I know, me too.”
For your amusement, I have put a countdown timer at bottom right, and yes, there’s a way to go. Peak season for flights ends Jan 30 *sigh*