Nobody ever talks about ‘force’ as a kink.
We frequently hear about ‘forced’ activities, but the focus is always on the activity rather than the force.
Now, I know the term ‘force’ raises some hackles, so how about we say force = coercion? Hmm… that sounds just as bad doesn’t it?
It’s a tricky thing to talk about because people are all ‘well you’re just ‘making’ them do something they wanted to do anyway, they should just own it!’ and that’s not what it is, or, at least, that’s not what I’m talking about. The word ‘making’ is still in inverted commas when force is a kink, but no, they really don’t want to do the thing, for really-real they don’t, and they absolutely can be ‘made’ to do it.
It doesn’t have to be physical force, it can be mental or emotional or simply ‘force of will’.
So let me set a scene. I *make* my boy do something that he genuinely doesn’t like (not a hard limit)… No gun to his head – I may shove him about, use my serious ‘don’t fuck with me’ voice, ignore his reluctance, use ‘the look’, maybe slap him around a bit, snarl at him… that sort of thing. He doesn’t want to, but what he wants even less is to displease me, to say no, to go against what I want. This is edge play of a kind because if you get it wrong, you’re fucked.
Making him do something he dislikes makes him feel small, insecure, vulnerable (which I adore), and his reactions turn me on (hot hot hot!), which turns him on. So he is then embarrassed that something he doesn’t like turns him on, that he has no control over his arousal, and the loss of control there turns him on further.
So in the end, he still dislikes the thing, doesn’t want to do it, but he loves being ‘made to do it’ because of the control aspect and because he loves how it makes him feel, he loves my reaction to it.
People are complex, especially when feelings are involved, and it may be that he can’t even explain to himself exactly why he kinks on being forced, which is one of the reasons why the talk around this is clumsy and often single-note (and tends to get a lot of pushback).
But in this, when it’s a kink, the force is the entire point. The ‘thing he’s being forced to do’ is just a tool to get at those feelings.
Do you recognise ‘force’ as a kink in and of itself? If so, why do you think it is that no-one ever talks about it?
* Recycled from a post I made on Fetlife