Once upon a time, I went out with vanilla boys, before I found any BDSM community, and after also. I was thinking recently about vanilla and submissive dates… they are quite different in my experience. Submissive men tend to wait, they are a little afraid of taking initiative in case they get it wrong, so they wait to be led, which is fine with me, but there are many many ways to show interest that can hardly turn out badly. All they need to do is ask themselves the question ‘will this make her happy?’ Vanilla men take that initiative, and to me, it looks like submission.
A Vanilla Boy
On our first date, he invited me to his place. He had made snacks: water crackers with pate, tiny toast with hot salami and tomato, hommous with corn chips, a home made salmon dip, beautifully presented on a platter out on the deck.
We talked, he showed me around his new apartment, I commented on his amazingly soft towels, he fed me bite sized mouthfuls and champagne.
When I left, I kissed him, exploratory and soft, he let me lead, leaning down to me, not trying to take more than was offered.
“Just curious,” I said when I broke away from him.
“You can be as curious as you like,” he replied, flirty and smiling.
The next time I saw him, he had a gift for me. Two towels, incredibly soft ones, just like the ones that I had made comment on, a signal that he had paid attention, then acted on it.
As the relationship progressed, he would take notice of everything I said, without appearing to notice. He would file it away, and at some point, that book I mentioned would appear under my pillow, that favourite food my mother used to make would come out of the oven, that ‘impossible to get’ CD would turn up in my collection, he would ask me whether I wanted him to wear this, or that, he would give me options for outings and let me decide, he would leave sweet notes in his wake, he would cook for me, he would give me foot massages, he would serve me drinks, take my car into the shop, do most of the housework.
“Vanilla submissives”, I call them, and I have been lucky enough to attract them all my life. But really, they are just boys who want to make me happy, and they don’t get anything out of it except the hope that they were responsible for a bit of that happiness. Well, obviously they are wanting more of me, but they don’t get a thrill out of it, there is no special headspace it takes them to, there is nothing in it for them in *that* way. They just want to make me happy.
Sometimes submissive men lose sight of that simple premise in all the talk of serving and giving pleasure and ‘being submissive’… I’m not sure why that is.
I have thought about this blog for a bit before commenting. It does happen…they forget about the very things that they say draw them into this.
Only thing I can fathom is that it just isn't as glamourous in reality as it is in a book or in their minds.
Faith: “It does happen…they forget about the very things that they say draw them into this.”
Some of them do, don't they? And I get sick of submissive-bashing… goodness knows it's everywhere, and that's not my intent (I know that's not what you implied, I am just thinking out loud because it feels a bit like I am doing that!).
I have been thinking about this, and my previous Advice for submisssive men
post and I am starting to believe that something gets lost for some of them between their vanilla lives and the world of BDSM.
They think that doing what someone tells them replaces all the lovely traits they had as potential partners out in the real world.
I refuse to believe that all of the ones who do that simply don't have the vanilla goods to offer, I have to believe that they do. They just think it's no longer important.
“Only thing I can fathom is that it just isn't as glamourous in reality as it is in a book or in their minds.”
I think that's totally true for many of them. Despite being smart, nice men, they somehow think that every act is suddenly going to have some erotic charge. Then they start to think that if it doesn't, it doesn't 'count' as submission or something. Baffling!
Thanks for your thoughts.
“I refuse to believe that all of the ones who do that simply don't have the vanilla goods to offer, I have to believe that they do. They just think it's no longer important.”
I wonder if this falls along the same lines as nilla dating. Example: flowers. Guy brings flowers every once in a while to his girl. Then after a while, she doesn't see a flower for months or more. She has committed to him and suddenly he thinks he can stop being who he was. That person that he was, That is Who caught her attention.
I wrote in my blog a while back about an Easter bunny. It was Important to me that boy got me an Easter bunny. He did not. I won't go into detail but he needed to understand that it was the gf part that was talking. Women have so many different sides. But the males can't just ignore even just One side of their ladies. It just does not work.
Alisa: “Yes. That.”
*smile* Thank you!
Faith: “I wonder if this falls along the same lines as nilla dating. Example: flowers. Guy brings flowers every once in a while to his girl. Then after a while, she doesn't see a flower for months or more.”
I think there *is* always a transition between the courting period and the relationship proper, but for goodness' sakes, I would think that *at least* in the beginning, all submissive men would far outstrip their vanilla counterparts for being outstanding in their efforts to please!
Mind you, if submissive men truly wanted to please, why don't they all have the most amazing, fit bodies, huh huh huh? They should be the most beautiful men on the planet because they want to be pleasing to their woman's eye, right?!
*flight of fancy over
“I won't go into detail but he needed to understand that it was the gf part that was talking.”
See, why does it matter one whit what 'part' was talking? You wanted it, he didn't do it. Give him a smack from me!
“I wrote in my blog…”
Hooold on… Faith, you have been holding out… where is your blog?!
My blog is at Alt, under Faith_ I just trimmed off a bunch of entries but there is still plenty there. I tend to be…gabby…LOL
Faith: Thanks, I look forward to taking a look!
This was one of your most memorable. :)
Unfortunately, it still holds true, so long afterward :/.