Once upon a time, I went out with vanilla boys, before I found any BDSM community, and after also. I was thinking recently about vanilla and submissive dates… they are quite different in my experience. Submissive men tend to wait, they are a little afraid of taking initiative in case they get it wrong, so they wait to be led, which is fine with me, but there are many many ways to show interest that can hardly turn out badly. All they need to do is ask themselves the question ‘will this make her happy?’ Vanilla men take that initiative, and to me, it looks like submission.
A Vanilla Boy
On our first date, he invited me to his place. He had made snacks: water crackers with pate, tiny toast with hot salami and tomato, hommous with corn chips, a home made salmon dip, beautifully presented on a platter out on the deck.
We talked, he showed me around his new apartment, I commented on his amazingly soft towels, he fed me bite sized mouthfuls and champagne.
When I left, I kissed him, exploratory and soft, he let me lead, leaning down to me, not trying to take more than was offered.
“Just curious,” I said when I broke away from him.
“You can be as curious as you like,” he replied, flirty and smiling.
The next time I saw him, he had a gift for me. Two towels, incredibly soft ones, just like the ones that I had made comment on, a signal that he had paid attention, then acted on it.
As the relationship progressed, he would take notice of everything I said, without appearing to notice. He would file it away, and at some point, that book I mentioned would appear under my pillow, that favourite food my mother used to make would come out of the oven, that ‘impossible to get’ CD would turn up in my collection, he would ask me whether I wanted him to wear this, or that, he would give me options for outings and let me decide, he would leave sweet notes in his wake, he would cook for me, he would give me foot massages, he would serve me drinks, take my car into the shop, do most of the housework.
“Vanilla submissives”, I call them, and I have been lucky enough to attract them all my life. But really, they are just boys who want to make me happy, and they don’t get anything out of it except the hope that they were responsible for a bit of that happiness. Well, obviously they are wanting more of me, but they don’t get a thrill out of it, there is no special headspace it takes them to, there is nothing in it for them in *that* way. They just want to make me happy.
Sometimes submissive men lose sight of that simple premise in all the talk of serving and giving pleasure and ‘being submissive’… I’m not sure why that is.