There are a gazillion ways to do it, to have aspects of dominance and submission (D/s) in your life and in your relationship. Each is so different that you may as well be talking apples and gorillas when you discuss it with people with whom you allegedly have a fundamental commonality.
Mine is a very specific type of D/s. It is a romantic relationship with all that that entails in the vanilla world, but I am the dominant partner in all aspects of the relationship. At its simplest, that means that I have the final say in things that involve ‘us’. If I have a preference, for example, I will decide what we will have for dinner, what he will wear, when we will go out, etc. If I don’t have a preference, there is no compulsion for me to make those decisions – he doesn’t *need* me to make them, but if I have a desire for something, I get what I want. I also take the lead in sex – I am his top, his sadist, the aggressor, the do-er.
I want to talk (rant?!) in this post about fallacies around what D/s relationships ‘should’ look like.
I have long term romantic D/s relationships where the submissive is the primary partner to a female dominant… I know many of you have a relationship that looks kind of like that, or at least you have something that fits, somehow, into that box, with maybe some bits sticking out the top and some bits squeezed tightly and uncomfortably into corners.
It’s still one of the abiding fallacies that female dominance (even in long term romantic relationships) is about ‘scenes’ and said scenes involve some complicated script with lots of equipment and toys and a dungeon-space with the right atmosphere and the right leather/latex/something clothes (for her, natch…!). Accompanying that is the idea that women put on their ‘dominatrix face’ to ‘be dominant’ for the purpose of enacting control, that they become someone else.
A young woman recently told a newbie Domme that if she wants to be dominant with her domestic partner, she should get a wig, make up an alternative name, and create a whole new persona for ‘the Domme’ and then refer to herself in the third person… “MistressBitchyPants will *not* be pleased when she finds out what you have done!!!” Really?!!! Who lives like that? Who would *want* to live like that? Does this seem like something that would work in a real life, long term relationship?
I have the same reaction when Dommes say “It is expensive to be a Domme, I have to buy all these clothes and toys!” Really?! What assumptions are being made for a statement like that to be true? You don’t *have to* buy any of those things, or *have* any of those things to be a Domme. Sure, they are cute and fun, but it has nothing to do with dominance.
I also wonder about the concept of Dommes ‘being on’ all the time, about finding dominance exhausting… I am not sure what that means. How does it work? Is it because ‘being on’ means putting on the ‘mean bitchy dominatrix face’? Of course that’s exhausting! So then, why do it? Surely it must be obvious out of the gate that it will be a complete energy suck? Isn’t it pretending to be someone that they aren’t? It exhausts me just to think about it. When I want to lie around in bed and get cuddles, am I on or off? When I want to beat him, am I on or off? When I cry at sad movies and he comforts me, am I on or off? When I make a decision about what we should have for dinner, am I on or off? It is baffling.
The myths about what it takes to “be the Domme” in a relationship are ridiculous and I always hear (and agree) that they are perpetuated by the media, by submissive males who have watched too much porn, but I think that’s too easy. Women themselves inadvertently perpetuate these myths every time they buy into them, every time they look at themselves and try to figure out how to act, how to dress, how to talk, how to “be”… every time they doubt themselves because someone said to them “You iz doin’ it wrong!”
You aren’t doing it wrong and those people can go fuck themselves!!
To me, having those strange expectations of D/s in a relationship is analogous to saying that a female in vanilla relationships must always be pleasing to her partner, behave in ways he demands, and slip into French silk lingerie, put on one of her many cocktail dresses, have her hair and make-up professionally done in order to ‘be the woman’ and fulfil her part in the sex-related parts of a vanilla relationship… If you equate the unrealistic expectations of BDSM play to vanilla bedroom games, what it would look like in a vanilla relationship is that the woman must always ‘prepare’ for it, set the scene with candles, perfumes, lace curtains, sexy music, she must have an elaborate plan for her part in it, wear an enticing costume, call herself Candy and put on her ‘slutty face’ to ‘be the woman’. Sure it’s fun once in a while, but who would take those sorts of statements about ‘how to be a woman’ seriously?
It’s really really irritating to me even though I acknowledge that I sound like I am totally going “You iz doin’ it wrong!” to all the people who actually DO any or all of the above. Ha! If you enjoy it and your partner loves it, you’re all good, this is not for you :).
To me, all the talk about what a Domme *is* and how she *should* behave in a relationship makes no sense as soon as it doesn’t fall along the lines of “just be you”. There are ways to help new dominants find their way, but it boils down to just that… figure out what you like, know what you want, be clear about how you want the relationship to be and assert yourself with him… oh, and have some fun! Really, it’s that simple…
P.S. He just now asked me if he could have a glass of wine, I said no. I didn’t even have to put on a special outfit or anything…
P.P.S. If you really are doing any or all of the above and it works for you and yours, then go you!