I’m going to try really hard not to get all ranty-mcranty here, but I can’t promise anything.
I’m only going to tackle one tiny piece of this because this is a slice of the ‘not dominant enough’ pie, which is as big as the entire world, it seems.
New dominant women exploring D/s relationships often struggle with ‘demanding things’ from their submissive. They don’t know how to do it, and it often makes them feel bad. There are really two main reasons for this:
1. They feel selfish and this makes them feel guilty and
2. There is an assumption that ‘demanding things’ = being mean, using a shouty voice, acting like a bitch.
The first is huge: social conditioning, upbringing, un-niceness etc etc. I’m not tackling that one right now. I’m aiming squarely at the second one.
The second one is a lot simpler.
I hear “Oh, I can’t be mean…” a lot from new Dommes.
You don’t have to. Really.
A lot of women don’t like behaving like that.
What a surprise, right?!
I mean, seriously, is it a shock to *anyone* that women don’t want to change who they are to get what they want? And that’s really what it amounts to. It’s akin to saying: “If you want this stuff, you have to *act like this totally different person* to get it.” WTF?
When I say “Can you make me a coffee, please, baby?” I’m saying, “Make me a coffee, now“, but I’m a pretty polite person most of the time and unless I am playing around for fun and kicks, I really don’t ‘demand things’ in a shouty kind of way. It’s not some sort of requirement or measure of domliness.
In a discussion recently, when I gave the example above about asking for a coffee, I had this follow-up exchange with another dominant woman:
She said: If I were to use the same sentance you used here in your example, “Can you make me a coffee, please, baby?”, I would get “yes, I could” in return, but no action. He does not interpret the polite request as an order. He wants “go do this” and I can’t seem to make that change in my vocabulary. Would, could, should, want, need, can… doesn’t seem to matter how I phrase things, all are ignored because they are wrong. So I have given up trying. It’s just easier for me to do things myself.
My response: Grrrr… this makes me mad *shakes fist wildly*.
I do understand it, I do. He wants the subbie buzz of having a shouty lady tell him what to do *raawwrrr!!*, but instead of taking it on as your problem (e.g. to change your vocabulary and behaviour), it’s really a boring old communication problem. I assume you have had a talk with him about “when I say x, y, z, I mean ‘go do it right now'”? If not, you need to do that. And if you have done that, and he still behaves this way, well now he’s just being a jerk.
Obviously I have no idea what your dynamic is like (and I know this is slightly off topic, but this just makes me so mad!! *laugh*), but ‘training’ him to interpret your words differently seems to me to be a better solution than trying to make yourself speak in an unnatural and uncomfortable way just to get what you want.
If it was me, I’d be enacting consequences for every time he interprets my words as a vague non-request instead of as an order, it’s up to him to learn that when you use gentle words, you are ordering him to do that thing. I know that getting him there is work for you (and I have no doubt that it is easier to just do it yourself), but often getting to the result you want is a pain in the arse, and it is work. But I’d guess that it’s worthwhile for both of you if you’re already emotionally attached.
In short: Tell him to make a goddamn effort to please you and stop being an arsehole!! Grrrrr… *more wild fist waving*
My response there is really about all the times I hear “She’s not dominant enough” from submissive men. It just pisses me off on behalf of every Domme who gets that message in whatever way it’s delivered. And many women who hear that message try to twist themselves into a ‘more dominant’ shape based on those messages. No. Fuck you, she is dominant enough, now either get with the program and fucking submit or GTFO!
The idea that you have to act all ‘ordery-demanding’ to get what you want makes me all kinds of fist wavy. If you, as a dominant woman, want to act like that, then great, have at it. If you don’t want to, then don’t. If your submissive doesn’t respond to you in the way you want, then sit down and talk about how you are going to address it.
It’s perfectly valid for a submissive to say, “Well, the entire dynamic doesn’t work for me if my dominant doesn’t get all shouty-demandy at me” and to seek that out. But if that’s not something that comes naturally to you, as the Domme in that scenario, the solution isn’t to go trying to change your behaviour to please him. You are simply incompatible: Move on.
So to the question: how do you demand something?
HOWEVER YOU FUCKING WANT!!
You know what I like?
Submissive men who pay attention and look for ways to make me happy, men who will smile with delight when I ask them politely for something and jump up to do it, not men who look for excuses to *not* make me happy because “you iz doin’ it wrong“.