A different kind of Sunday curiosity this week. A musing of sorts.
Some things are difficult for me to write about because they feel so personal and I feel a little as if I am exposing too much if I was I to write about them. I know that sounds strange, when I share these intimate details in this blog, when I seem to bare all. These things I speak of, these private, secret things, well, I touch upon them in some posts, speak vaguely about them, but avoid the explicit presentation of them as a kind of protection for both me and my boy.
I have examined why this is, and part of it is that there is a level of disclosure that seems to be too close to the bone, that seems to be about revealing not only me, it is about revealing my boy in a way that feels like it is too too much. I often declare that I don’t identify myself with certain things, but I am belied by my actions.
I am not a sadist, yet I inflict some considerable pain and it makes me wet.
I am not into humiliation, yet I put my boy in embarrassing and belittling situations because I adore how it impacts him.
I am not obsessed with strap on cocks, but I want badly to fuck my boy in different ways because it’s just so damn hot.
I am not a romantic, but I am made giddy with sweetnesses offered up to me.
I choose moments to write about, I choose those isolated experiences that impact me and I hold them up to the light and examine them, I am seeking to reveal an emotional truth and often it is easier to find that in those moments than it is to find them in activities, in ‘scenes’, in narratives, however I have never spoken about many things that are sharp and misshapen and discoloured when I hold them up to the light.
I will try, maybe, to bring those other experiences out, those secret things, the uncomfortable ones, but I expect it will be difficult, inelegant, awkward. We will see how it goes.
Well, if it helps, you might remember that no one reading this except you and your boy know what is truth and what is fiction. When I started writing I worried about exposing my kinks to the interblogosphere, then I realized no one believes the internet anyway, and I threw in some stories about things I don't kink on just for good measure. And maybe I made all that up too…
Point being no matter how honest you are in your writing, there are always going to be differences between the you on this blog and the real world you. And anyone judging the real you based on a blog isn't operating with all the facts.
Hopefully that helps, if this is something that you want to explore. But it's also your blog, have fun with it, do what you like and please don't make yourself miserable with it because I would hate to see you stop posting.
I know that for me, opening up and writing more personal things was so liberating and freeing. It also helped me work out some of my stuff that I was struggling with. I find that it makes my blog more authentic, and is cathartic and therapeutic in many ways.
Blog writing is as much about self expression and exploration as anything else and it is here where you test your own limits and push at your boundaries. Those of us who follow you will provide both feedback and validation.
The growth process can often be, as you put it, ”difficult, inelegant, awkward”. It is nevertheless a positive thing and I for one, look forward to reading about it watching you grow.
Vague: Thank you V, for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it very much.
“When I started writing I worried about exposing my kinks to the interblogosphere…”
Oh gosh, I can SO relate to this. It was a big deal when I started this blog, I felt terribly exposed both personally and with my writing. Now I barely give it a second thought. I suspect that if I try to tackle the difficult, I will feel that trepidation again.
“And anyone judging the real you based on a blog isn't operating with all the facts.”
That is true, of course, and while my instinct is to say 'it's not about judgement', in truth, I struggle to pinpoint why any additional exposure would bother me at all. I think it is partly exposure as a writer (logic dictates that if I find things difficult to write about, I will not write so well about them), which is personal enough, and the other is about some sort of emotional discomfort.
“…please don't make yourself miserable with it because I would hate to see you stop posting.”
Thank you V, that means a lot to me. I think if I stop posting, it will simply be because I have run out of things to say. One day, I imagine I will sit down to write and be empty, bored with myself, and then I will realise that I am done.
And yes, you helped.
Britni TheVadgeWig: Thank you for your thoughts Britni (still am loving that nickname!! Brilliant!).
You have made me think, really, about what I am doing with this blog. My original purpose for it has changed very little. I started it really for two reasons. The first and primary reason was because I didn't see my kind of D/s relationship reflected out in the world… I couldn't relate to what I read in most blogs, in forums, in erotic stories. I found those depictions depressing for the most part and I wanted to get something celebratory and beautiful and real out there. The second was a catalyst more than an objective – I had released my last submissive – (my first post was a message to him) – and I had many sweet thoughts about him that I wanted to keep positive rather than be mired in the hurt of it and I started with a combination of those two things in mind.
I found my boy along the way, and my relationship with him influenced the blog, it changed to become more personal, more real time (though chronology is not so much of an interest to me). I did not intend for it to be about my relationship, though it has shifted to be that way simply because that is what is on my mind these days when I write.
I like very much those blogs where I can see what is happening in people's lives, like peeking through a window, to hear their thoughts and to watch as they go through life, being happy for them when something goes well, feeling bad for them when they are down, getting a sense of the people in their lives, hearing their inner voices, their self talk as they work through challenges and conflicts. I enjoy that very much, but I didn't want to write that sort of blog, however I think I am sliding into that a little, not necessarily a bad thing, just not really what I intended.
At its simplest, I want my blog to say this:
Female led D/s relationships are multi-facted and complex, they can be beautiful and intimate and difficult and painful, just like the people in them.
And thank you, for leading me to articulate that. I will think a little more about how to get what I want out of this.
slapshot: “Those of us who follow you will provide both feedback and validation.”
Thank you, I do appreciate that very much.
“The growth process can often be, as you put it, 'difficult, inelegant, awkward'. It is nevertheless a positive thing and I for one, look forward to reading about it watching you grow.”
Thank you slapshot, I am (as you might have gleaned *cough*) a delicate flower really and grow under only the exact right kind of conditions. I feel a little like my blog is nearing puberty and maybe has the gawky period coming up before it decides how it will be as a grown up. I will see how it goes. Perhaps I will boldly stride into the void and readers will notice no difference whatsoever, in which case, one and all can feel free to post back here at some stage and call me out as a drama queen (though of course, as a queen, I shall demand gifts!)!
All I have to say is.. thank goodness I stumbled across this blog tonight. There are so many times when I'm writing that I feel like I'm just reiterating my thoughts into different words that I think others will understand. At the same time, I thoroughly enjoy the anonymity that remains while still writing to a mass audience. It's good to know that its normal to innately write about your own feelings and perceptions in such great depth.
katherineLp: “It's good to know that its normal to innately write about your own feelings and perceptions in such great depth.”
I think it is normal, isn't it? If you write a personal blog (as opposed to a political blog, or a marketing blog, or a commercial blog etc), that is really all you can bring to it.
I think one of the things I enjoy most is the introspective nature of it. While I write for myself, I am often lazy in it. I don't really make the effort to capture it 'just so' because I already know what I intend with the words. When I gussy it up for public consumption, I get more out of it because I want very much to make sure I get it right, that I say what I really mean, that I am getting the feelings onto the page as true as possible.