I get asked what my fantasies are relatively often. I think people expect to hear something relateable, something familiar, sexy, BDSM-ey, something doable.
But what I fantasise about, what I REALLY like and fantasise about, is to do what I want. To genuinely and honestly not give a shit what he wants. Whatever fucked up shit I want to do, let me do that. When someone talks about ‘using him’, mostly he doesn’t imagine it in the way I do.
And if we’re talking fantasies, I have a whole crew of men in mine whose bodies I can inhabit in order to do fucked up shit to him. I am them and they are me and we are legion: dark and powerful, made of deep and endless muscle and cocks, towering beasts of sexual violence, endless maws of angry need and desire. And he is our target.
He is helpless, always, so very helpless, not even a person really, a thing to be used. And when he is terrified and he runs and he cowers and he cries and he is made into dirt under the onslaught, there is only a tiny piece of me that waits and watches and that cares for him. I don’t save him, oh no, I never save him. But I am aware of the terribleness while being wildly turned on by his helplessness, by his terror and pain, by the pleasure being taken from him by force. That piece has to be there for it to be plausible that I am not a sociopath, even in my fantasies, I can’t be that, not totally, not fully.
And when he is used in all ways, holes filled and hurt, every part of him shattered and broken and sobbing, when I am sated, the legion of us leave him there without pity. Perhaps even scorn, a last indignity.
And there it ends, my fantasy. That small part of me that watched and waited was not succour or comfort after all, was not a saviour that comes in at the last to share some kindness. That small part was perhaps the worst of me: the God of depravity, the instrument of torment, the puppet master who orchestrates these things, relentless and without an ounce of compassion.
So if you want to know my fantasies, they are all some version of that.