On using him

I get asked what my fantasies are relatively often. I think people expect to hear something relateable, something familiar, sexy, BDSM-ey, something doable.

But what I fantasise about, what I REALLY like and fantasise about, is to do what I want. To genuinely and honestly not give a shit what he wants. Whatever fucked up shit I want to do, let me do that. When someone talks about ‘using him’, mostly he doesn’t imagine it in the way I do.

And if we’re talking fantasies, I have a whole crew of men in mine whose bodies I can inhabit in order to do fucked up shit to him. I am them and they are me and we are legion: dark and powerful, made of deep and endless muscle and cocks, towering beasts of sexual violence, endless maws of angry need and desire. And he is our target.

He is helpless, always, so very helpless, not even a person really, a thing to be used. And when he is terrified and he runs and he cowers and he cries and he is made into dirt under the onslaught, there is only a tiny piece of me that waits and watches and that cares for him. I don’t save him, oh no, I never save him. But I am aware of the terribleness while being wildly turned on by his helplessness, by his terror and pain, by the pleasure being taken from him by force. That piece has to be there for it to be plausible that I am not a sociopath, even in my fantasies, I can’t be that, not totally, not fully.

And when he is used in all ways, holes filled and hurt, every part of him shattered and broken and sobbing, when I am sated, the legion of us leave him there without pity. Perhaps even scorn, a last indignity.

And there it ends, my fantasy. That small part of me that watched and waited was not succour or comfort after all, was not a saviour that comes in at the last to share some kindness. That small part was perhaps the worst of me: the God of depravity, the instrument of torment, the puppet master who orchestrates these things, relentless and without an ounce of compassion.

So if you want to know my fantasies, they are all some version of that.

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58 Comments

  1. “But I am aware of the terribleness while being wildly turned on by his helplessness, by his terror and pain, by the pleasure being taken from him by force. That piece has to be there for it to be plausible that I am not a sociopath, even in my fantasies, I can’t be that, not totally, not fully.”

    Oh, man, I get you. Realizing I was a sadist horrified me. But I’ve long since separated my self from my fantasies. Extreme sadism is just one more fantasy.

    1. I’m glad you can relate *smile*.

      I don’t think of myself as a sadist, so I’m not sure why my fantasies always run into that area of extreme sexual violence, but they have since I was very young.

      I have to say that I think those kinds of fantasies are much easier to reconcile yourself with as a woman than as a man. As a young woman, I wasn’t really terrified of myself or what I might do, if you know what I mean. As a young man I can’t even imagine the horror of having those kinds of fantasies and knowing how wrong they are.

      Ferns

  2. And this right after a post where you condone going home with you in a first meet!
    Yep, sociopath alright! Thank god for the qualifier “fantasy”! Still, you make a fascinating psychological subject. The mouse who hides from the world and brews this heady concoction inside to find balance. Maybe you need to get out some more so that the dark side can be a little more grey than black and more likely to find a matching deviant.

  3. Wow, that sounds like the inside of my head! Though I’m a switchy woman (preferring dominant) and have the same fantasy with me on the inflicting end and with me on the receiving end. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently. It took my breath away.

    I’m not primarily sadistic either. My fantasies are about dominance and control, with only a little pain here and there. And yet in scenes inflicting pain deepens the experience for me.

    I hadn’t thought about how much more difficult this kind of fantasy might be for a man. Thank you for pointing that out.

    It’s a shame my partner is on the road at the moment. I can hardly wait to show this to him to open up further discussion of what kinky things fill each of us with joy. I know he loves to feel used, and I know that means something a bit different to him than it does to me. He hasn’t been able to articulate the difference and I haven’t been able to elicit it from him. This isn’t a conflict between us, more of a curiosity and a well of potential deepening of our kinky life together. We’ve had lots of good scenes and lots of good sex outside of a scene, and it would be lovely to be able to tap more deeply into his perverted brain and find more places it is compatible with mine, or more buttons I can push to drive him wild with my control. :)

    Thanks again, Ferns! I have been rationing your book, only allowing myself to read a little at a time. It’s rich enough to reward that kind of reading.

    1. Thank you so much for the ‘me too-ing’: I always find that kind of kinship valuable.

      It’s so wonderful that you have a partner with whom to share and explore these kinds of fantasies: I’m quite jealous. I’m sure his homecoming will be spectacular.

      I love that you are rationing my book: what a lovely compliment. That made my day *smile*.

      Ferns

  4. “I have a whole crew of men in mine whose bodies I can inhabit in order to do fucked up shit to him. ”

    I am surprised the fantasy requires you to inhabit male bodies in order to do fucked up shit. I wonder why that is…

    1. It’s a good question and I’ve considered it quite a bit. My fantasies come unbidden, and in the early days, I used to try and force them to look different, but that’s not how it works.

      The best rationalisation I can come up with is this: In real life, my body can’t do what actually turns me on the most. That is, what turns me on mentally is not something that works physically. It is the most frustrating thing ever. Apparently, even in my fantasy world, I can’t suspend disbelief enough to pretend that I can change that, so rather than try and go for ‘almost realistic but not convincing’, my fantasy world is completely unrealistic.

      By ‘doesn’t work physically’, I mean that not only am I not strong enough or big enough to really fuck someone up, I can’t TAKE pleasure by force in the sexually violent way that my mind craves. What gives me pleasure and makes me come is soft attention to my clit which is obviously neither violent nor viscerally primal nor is it anything even marginally close to an enactment of what is in my head: I have a complete mind-body disconnect there.

      In my fantasies, I think my mind compensates for that reality by building scenarios where I CAN get what I want.

      So when I envision it, I am not the perpetrator or the victim, I am an omniscient God: I AM the fear and the sexual violence and the callous disregard, and the bodies that enact all of that are tools that I use to most efficiently take what I want.

      Ferns

      1. I think I understand. It’s like fantasizing about (ahem) being destroyed by huge female bodybuilders, and imagining myself small and frail for good measure.

        Also the mind-body disconnect is familiar: as much as I enjoy violent play, I can’t come *directly* from it.

        Fear and “callous disregard” are hawt!

  5. I find this fascinating. I love that we (humans) can be excited by fantasies that are impractical, impossible or simply that we would not want in “real” life.

    “I have a whole crew of men in mine whose bodies I can inhabit in order to do fucked up shit to him.”

    When I was young, 12 or 13, I found a book by Rosemary Rogers where a beautiful woman in the west is at the mercy of a dominant hero. Even though I wasn’t attracted to men I would imagine myself inhabiting the woman’s body being helpless and totally aroused by the helplessness. The dominant person was no longer male but not totally female either.

    I guess at that age I had never heard of a woman being sexually dominant and so my fantasy had to be “adjusted” to fit my conception of what was real. It makes no sense I know. I was confused by it for a long time until I accepted that fantasies don’t have to make sense and I should enjoy them for what they are.

    1. I tried for a long time to force my fantasies to be F/m, and I think where I am with this one is the closest I have ever come to it.

      I actually have a lot of M/f fantasies where again I am the ubiquitous fear and helplessness, the ultimate controller/god, and not the protagonists or victims.

      And yes, fantasies don’t have to make sense in any real way.

      Ferns

  6. *When someone talks about ‘using him’, mostly he doesn’t imagine it in the way I do.*

    Oh, I so understand this. Trying to explain that the focus of my fantasies has nothing to do with what I “do” to him, but rather my enjoyment/pleasure of doing what I want to do. To obliterate in what ever fashion suits my fancy at the moment without care for the victim, not about a specific act or a specific scene.

    Makes it a hard fantasy to put into words. But I remember, early in my explorations, coming across your story about the sub tied up to a tree (I think). It was then I first understood how violent I really fantasized about being.

    1. It IS hard to explain (even if you are keeping it to real life and not fantasy).

      “Trying to explain that the focus of my fantasies has nothing to do with what I “do” to him, but rather my enjoyment/pleasure of doing what I want to do.”

      For me the hardest part is ‘sure, I like doing things TO you, but that in and of itself is not where the pleasure lies for me, so if you give me nothing back, it’s not going to work’. If they have to ask ‘what do I need to give back though?’ then I’m pretty sure it’s not going to work for me even if they really WANT to give me what I want. I just can’t explain it.

      I guess it’s like kissing. If I kiss someone, they can’t just passively accept it and expect it to work. It doesn’t. It won’t. EVERYONE knows this. But somehow when it comes to play, many DO have this assumption that they can just turn up and passively accept things being done to them without putting anything into the exchange. That’s not at all fun for me. May as well play with a rock.

      Digression.

      “To obliterate in what ever fashion suits my fancy at the moment without care for the victim, not about a specific act or a specific scene.”

      *smile* Yes.

      And in translating fantasy to reality, there are obviously things you can’t/won’t/don’t want to do, but for me there is still an underlying theme that feels quite a bit like this. It’s a less extreme version that I want to feel with him.

      Ferns

  7. “I am an omniscient God:”

    I have long standing, deep, darkly perverted fantansues that I don’t share because I fear the attendant approbation, but THIS makes feel like an amateur, dime-store pervert. You’ve alluded previously to your darker fantasies, but this seems like a step further. Awesome stuff.
    SSS

    1. Thank you.

      In truth, it is hard to share this kind of thing. Less so here on the blog (though there IS that: it makes me feel immediately defensive even putting it out here), but at a personal level there is a way that someone looks at you that lets you know that you have completely changed how they see you, and not in a good way. I have only ever shared this sort of thing with one person EVER because I knew he would ‘get it’.

      I have a recent experience of sharing something very mild with someone, and what came back from him was disgust and a comparison with a serial killer. Not kidding.

      Ferns

      1. As a 24 year old submissive guy who only recently realized how many more people are out there like me, and are compatible with my ‘orientation’, I must say your writing here had me absolutely floored.

        Your elaboration here:

        “I am an omniscient God: I AM the fear and the sexual violence and the callous disregard, and the bodies that enact all of that are tools that I use to most efficiently take what I want. ”

        Is breathtaking. Seriously.

        I want to give a sincere thanks for sharing this on your blog.

        And one of the reasons you allude to for why the scenario involves the use of other bodies makes sense. I’ve thought about it before, and if I were a dom, there would be a level of ‘unconventionality’ there given that I’m about 1.9 m tall, yet 128 lbs. Very fast metabolism/low muscle tone. So I can understand as a dom you might feel the want to extend one’s physical capability in a scenario like this. It’s a very interesting perspective.

        While I can’t speak for the person who reacted with the described comparison, I can imagine there will be some guys out there who, even if they have an aversion to the more ‘extreme’ kinks of people, they will likely be less surprised/taken aback if it comes from a guy.

        As was described/analyzed in detail over in a few articles on the Not Just Bitchy blog I was reading yesterday, due to established cultural gender ‘norms’, a lot of people have no idea how to understand or wrap their minds around women being dominant and men being submissive, outside the generic cliche portrayals with pro-dommes we’ve all seen depicted. As such, kink-sadism in a man will likely be easier for some to understand than in a woman. I hope this changes, and soon.

        As someone who has not as yet been involved with anyone in a kink capacity thus far, I want to say I find your writing invaluable, informative and interesting to read. And what I have read so far has really opened my mind up to things that I will likely encounter in the future.

        I can imagine that, no matter how much I think I am prepared to submit to someone in a relationship, that regardless there will be some major (yet welcome) adjustments I will need to make with some of my everyday thinking that had been automatic. I thought of this reading your ‘When your submissive says no’ article. The very base assumption that most adults have that, when not at work or dealing with legal authorities, you mostly can choose to do or not do things based on your own judgement, rather than simply because another told you to do it. I can imagine will creep through as a matter of conditioning for the inexperienced.

        The issue of how the submissive always has a right to say ‘no’ in the sense of consent, but that it has a meta-level serious impact on the dynamic that needs taken seriously is something I’m really glad to have found someone talking about.

        I’ll be pouring over more of your writing in the coming days. I’m really glad to have found it.

        Digital Dan

  8. Do these fantasies envision submissives with whom you are in a long term relationship? Or, in fantasy, does that preference fall away? If a long term submissive is involved, do you think you would still be interested after imposing this fantasy on them?

    Have you ever contemplated how the submissive would feel after the fantasy had been imposed on them or how it might impact the relationship? Or does fantasy status blissfully obviate the need for that sort of reality?

    SSS

    1. “Do these fantasies envision submissives with whom you are in a long term relationship? Or, in fantasy, does that preference fall away?”

      This one did feature my last, he inspired and featured in many of my fantasies, and I shared those with him. He was super dark, like me. He totally got it. Wanted it. Wished he could give me that. We shared the same fantasy sensibilities. But we both knew that it was fantasy.

      Most of my fantasies do not feature people I know. Or even show faces really. Their bodies are merely vehicles for creating the feelings that get me off.

      “If a long term submissive is involved, do you think you would still be interested after imposing this fantasy on them?”

      I cannot say clearly and emphatically enough that I do NOT confuse fantasy with reality.

      So when you talk of ‘imposing this fantasy on them’, I honestly have no idea what you are saying, but to be clear: I have ZERO intention of attempting to enact these kinds of fantasies in any way whatsoever. ZERO. ZILCH. NONE. NIL. NYET.

      “Have you ever contemplated how the submissive would feel after the fantasy had been imposed on them or how it might impact the relationship?”

      Again: I don’t confuse fantasy and reality, so there is no reason for me to think about this.

      However, I will say this: The reason I don’t share these things with most partners is because of questions like these which point to an underlying misunderstanding that this is stuff that I actually WANT to enact somehow.

      There is a high chance that someone who loves me will be disgusted and actively turned off by this kind of thing, by knowing that it’s even in my head, by being aware that I am capable of thinking this way. Because what sort of person is turned on by such horrible things?

      I can understand it. So yeah. This is the stuff I don’t generally talk about.

      Ferns

  9. Dear Ferns,

    Inventor/futurists head on here.. Doused with all manner of warning messages.

    Exoskeletons. A future in which you are no longer bound by your natural physical limits.

    Robotics. A future in which you can acquire your own gang of equally physical accomplices.

    Networked AI with cortex connections. A future in which your fantasies, your desires, your sexual responses and instructions are communicated and shared and intensified within your gang.

    Now. What does Ferns order for christmas. Can she contain herself or does her malevolent need takeover all remaining morality.

    Boy oh boy

    1. Your reflexions about your fantasies are wonderful, but very abstract, general of course. It’s wonderful to be “raped” by a “strong” woman, just “forced”, overpowered. And yes, I really would like to know what’s in your female mind in that very moment when you see this “beautiful, pretty” man’s body so enticingly stretched on the ground (two weeks ago). As a man I am sort of identifying myself with him (more or less) and therefore have a fantasy which arouses me – But what does the woman imagine viewing him,is it the same? Or is my fantasy totally unrealistic? So please don’t take it as indiscrete when I ask: “What do you like to do in thatt very moment you see him, as a woman?” It’s so exciting to imagine …Sory, I would like to write the story, really – But it’s not my blog!
      As an older child I sometime had this fantasy to be tied up to a pale, mostly with my naked back-side to the females who wanted to do “something” with me I did not allow me to imagine concretely, but it did start to arouse me . . .

    2. @Pumpkin: I’ll take the networked AI with cortex connections, please.

      A direct connection to my brain would be much more effective than any kind of physical manifestation of these things.

      My goodness, that would be frightening and so very awesome *laugh*.

      Ferns

  10. Your additional comment really hit me:

    “I have to say that I think those kinds of fantasies are much easier to reconcile yourself with as a woman than as a man. As a young woman, I wasn’t really terrified of myself or what I might do, if you know what I mean. As a young man I can’t even imagine the horror of having those kinds of fantasies and knowing how wrong they are.”

    I have yet to reconcile my enjoyment of sadism with the occasional horror I feel afterward, even when my partner enjoys it. To be completely honest, I still try to repress it, despite how foolish I know that sounds.

    I’ve always been jealous of the power some dominant women must feel with submissive men who are much stronger than them. It must be incredible to have someone submit to you who, if they wanted, could quite obviously overpower you, yet they are willingly acquiescing.

    I am 6’3 and nearly 200lbs; it’s difficult to not regular question the enjoyment of restraining or hurting someone half your size.

    1. I can absolutely imagine that conflict and I know it’s relatively common. To me that kind of regular questioning and self-checking that you do is a sign of someone who is healthy and good. I don’t think it sounds foolish at all.

      The thing that blows my mind is really YOUNG men feeling these things and having no-one to talk to about it. Because no matter what, ain’t nobody going to say ‘That’s okay son, it’s perfectly normal’ because of the fear they would have that the kid was going to go out and hurt women. There’s no way to judge if they are a psychopath in the making or a perfectly fabulous BDSMer, but either way young men are not known for their control over their own hormonal impulses so figuring out how to deal with any of that is fraught (not least for the youngster himself).

      “I’ve always been jealous of the power some dominant women must feel with submissive men who are much stronger than them. It must be incredible to have someone submit to you who, if they wanted, could quite obviously overpower you, yet they are willingly acquiescing.”

      *smile* You’re not wrong about it being incredible. The idea of his *self* discipline (that is, knowing that he is controlling HIMSELF for me) is super hot.

      Ferns

  11. Hoo wee!!! I’ve been looking forward for weeks for Ferns to reply!!! Now, the question is, do I gulp them all down at once? Or savor them slowly…

    ~gulp, gulp, gulp~

    I may have follow up questions, but for now, thanks!!!

    SSS.

  12. The fantasy that is completely contradictory in terms of physical presence is something I can relate to. My fantasies come to me as I inhabit a female submissive. The mind certainly works in mysterious ways. I always enjoy your blog, something new and interesting always come from it.

    JD

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