Reader QnA: Relationships and new starts

I’m answering Q&As from my Ask Me page. So, let’s go.

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Hello!

How does an older, mature submissive find an attractive female dominant close to his own age?

I am 69 years old, and basically a service submissive and masochist, who has a few fantasies, but nothing too extreme. I have been into the scene since my late teens.

It’s not that I haven’t tried, but like many of us, I had issues with trust early on.

I had a few missed opportunities when younger, and I have been very active online and in my local community, but now that I am older I am finding that there are not very many mature, attractive, and especially honest dominant women out there. Attraction and honesty is key. Otherwise, this scene means nothing.

What is one to do in my situation?

Thank you in advance for your honesty.

Bay Area Sub

Hello Bay Area Sub,

Honestly, it’s no different for you than anyone else: While age or location or ‘whatever’ might make it more of a challenge, the truth is that it’s just hard to find a partner who has all the qualities you might wish for and who wishes for all the qualities that you have yourself.

I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave around and make it easier for everyone (including myself!), but I don’t. And if I did, I’d be waving that fucker over my own self first and foremost!

Not very helpful am I? Best of luck.

Ferns
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How do I dominate him?I am a sub in bed,but I get the idea he wants to be dominated sometimes,I know he’s the kind who’ll rebel to it,but will enjoy it.Also,after giving him a Blowjob,should I spit or swallow if I’m dominating him?

I have a very boring answer for you: Ask him. You seem unsure about whether he even wants to be dominated, and if he does, you have no idea in what way. That puts you in the role of mind reader and guesser, which is a messy place to start from.

So sit down with him, say you think you might be interested in dominating him and talk about what that might look like so that you can find things that you will both enjoy. Start small and simple. And have fun!

As for the blow job question: you’re the dominant, so do whatever you want. I’ve been known to hold his come in my mouth and feed it back to him if that helps *smile*.

Ferns
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would u ever go with an 18 year old

I’m not going to say ‘never’ because who knows, but it’s highly unlikely for a bunch of reasons that I wrote about here.

Ferns
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I love to be submissive during sex and recently my husband has requested the tables be turned. For one night he wants me to be in complete control. Maybe you could introduce me to dominance for beginners?

Sincerely,

Bossy Everywhere But Bed

That’s great that you want to experiment – fun!

My advice for an evening’s switchery:

  • Have him write out some (realistic) fantasy scenarios for you.
  • Pick and choose elements out of those that sound hot and awesome to you.
  • Then think about things that YOU want that are hot and awesome and that you can use him for (a lot of this can be mood-setting stuff: a long hot bath, being served a glass of wine, a strip tease, a massage, being kissed all over etc).
  • Don’t plan too big. Make it small and manageable so that you don’t get overwhelmed.
  • Make yourself a little playlist and keep it handy (so that if you have an awkward moment, you can refer to ‘what’s next’).
  • Blindfold him: it will help keep him guessing and then he won’t see if you have some awkward moments.
  • Make up a little ritual (e.g. putting a collar on him) to signal the ‘start’ and agree that he has to obey you from that point on.
  • Play with the role to see what you like (you might want to try ‘stern dominant’ or ‘sweet but mean’ etc).

Enjoy!

Ferns
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Hello I have no clue on how to be dominant for my submissive man. He just tells me he’s here to serve me. Use him. He wants to fulfill my deepest fantasies .

Where do I start ?

See above if you just want to play with it for a bit: that might be a fun start.

But if you are planning to have a D/s relationship with him, then it’s a lot more complicated than just having a bit of fun in the bedroom.

Where to start with that? As above, you still need him to explain to you EXACTLY what he means by ‘serving you’ and ‘using him’ and ‘fulfilling your deepest fantasies’. Don’t let him give you vague airy fairy stuff.

Men who present “I want to be submissive” to their (mostly vanilla) women in vague terms are creating a situation that is going to fail. They could mean anything from ‘fuck me in the arse’ to ‘dress up and be a sissy maid’ to ‘anticipate your needs and take care of them’ or any number of other things.

Without any detail they are essentially saying “I want you to do some hot stuff to me, but I’m not going to tell you what that means to me. You have to guess. Good luck with that. And if you get it wrong, don’t worry, I’ll let you know that you aren’t doing it right with passive aggressive behaviour that will make you feel like crap.”

Then they wait around for you to try and they will get frustrated and resentful when you don’t do it just like they imagined in their heads. It’s a recipe for failure.

So THAT’S where I suggest you start: Understanding what it is that he actually wants. Then you figure out if any of it sounds good to you and go from there.

Ferns
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I’m a young man by D/s standards, and I have a serious problem, I was in an amazing Lind distances Switch/Switch relation ship with a wonderful young lady, let’s call get T, but about a month ago my phone got broken in a fight, in witch I was defending her honor, and we lost contact for a month, and now I can bearly get her to speak to me, she often says she’s busy, and that she feels I abandoned her. Is there any advice you can give on how I can make this right?

You blew it. Seriously. No contact for a month because your phone broke? You didn’t have her email, her IM, her phone number anywhere else, her address, her full name, ANY OTHER POSSIBLE WAY OF CONTACTING HER? How was that a relationship?!

You can’t make this right. She’ll either get over it, or she won’t. Apologise, explain, tell her you would like to try again and will not be so stupid in future. Then leave her alone.

If your story is legit (honestly, I feel like an old dinosaur because the idea that this is even a thing that could happen is bizarre to me), then learn a lesson from this: Don’t have a single point of failure for contacting someone you are in a relationship with.

Ferns
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I have been submissive ever since I can remember and the idea of being called a slave, calling someone mistress, being punished, hurt, abused, humiliated, etc, have been very important for my sexual identity. Although I have never been in a femdom relationship and it came up only marginally in my other relationship. But recently I have found myself rather indifferent to femdom. It has suddenly started seeming like something I wouldn’t want to do. But yet I feel that I want a femdom relationship.I want to be with a dominant partner. I am not sure if it is femdom? Is it just a gender atypical relationship?

I don’t want to date someone who maybe emotionally abusive way, doesn’t recognize when she is making demands or being mean. I also don’t want to be the pretend sub who is just looking for vanilla sex.

I don’t understand how you are ‘indifferent to femdom’ but ‘want a femdom relationship’.

Do you mean that you used to be into the sexual aspects and now you are more interested in the relationship aspects?

D/s is about relationship dynamics, and may or may not include kink/BDSM. So having a dominant female/submissive male D/s relationship is pretty standard stuff in the realm of femdom. So yes, it’s femdom, and not at all unusual.

Ferns
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Hi Fern,

A polite hello as my formal introduction. I stumbled onto your page today and just love everything I have read so far. A great big thank you!! I did have a question. When I read your entry regarding Dominance vs vanilla I was struck by your encouragement of a fledgling Domme having her boy encourage her to put her needs first. I myself have done that instinctively and while I worry at times I sound a bit contrived, when it is heartfelt I think she knows. Does that make sense?

S

Hello S,

Thank you for your polite hello and your kind words, and welcome to my blog *smile*.

Yes, that makes sense. When things are done from the heart, I think those involved can see that. I think new dominant women can sometimes struggle with feeling ‘selfish’, and their submissive can help with that by showing genuine pleasure when they are providing service of some sort.

Ferns
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Hi Ferns,
I’m a beginner at being a dom, my new partner is a seasoned sub but tells me I’m a natural! I still want to understand it all properly and “master” it properly, so, can you recommend a book for me and a high street shop it can purchase from? My partner is away for a week and would love to be able to try some of my new learnt skills for her on her return.
Regards Graham.

Hello Graham,

This is a really broad question and I’m not quite sure what you want to learn (topping techniques, safety, discipline, leadership?), but I suggest you take a look at my book list, and see if any of them seem useful to you. I doubt any of them are available in a high street bookshop though.

Ferns
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What colour are your eyes?

A very dark brown. So dark it can be hard to see the pupils.

Ferns

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and ask away! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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5 Comments

  1. ‘indifferent to femdom’ but ‘want a femdom relationship’.

    Hard to explain but I think I understand. Yes it does have to do with the relationship aspect. Without going into a long dissertation about my history, let’s just say I am submissive. For many years I kept it my secret and no matter how hard I tried sometimes to deny it or put it in a box and lock it away, the feelings resurfaced. My wife has known about it for years now but is not the least bit interested in exploring it.

    So as to the question…

    Sometimes looking at femdom images, watching videos, reading blogs, books, or web stories satisfy the itch. When it’s bad I find myself looking at stuff I really don’t think I would ever be into, but the yearning was not quelled by anything else.

    Understanding that aspect, eventually no images or written word fill the void and yes I become indifferent towards it for periods of time. Why? Because in the end what I really want is what you describe in… Well… Your “What I Want” post.

    That dream will never die.

    1. I’m not sure if you’re the original question-asker or if you are adding your perspective for their benefit.

      Either way, I see what you are saying there. Almost a cyclical thing. I actually think that’s quite common too. I hear of people indulging in their interest and then back away, throwing away their toys and deleting links and etc, then they ignore their feelings for a while, and then come back to it again.

      Difficult if you aren’t in a situation where you can explore as you would like :(.

      Ferns

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