So… ghosting is an acceptable thing now

ghosting
ghost·ing \ ˈgō-stiŋ \
noun

2. the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

It’s been a thing for a long time, the origins of the term date back to 2006, and it was added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary in February this year.

What has changed, and what I’m seeing more of lately, is people strenuously defending ghosting as a perfectly valid and acceptable relationship-ending option, and insisting that anyone who doesn’t think so is being entitled. Because ‘nobody owes you anything’.

In these days of constant contact and smart phones and social media, it takes a special effort to disappear from someone.

There is a point after which ‘disappearing from someone’ is an arsehole move. One of the bones of contention is ‘where is that point?’ It’s tricky biz, because the ‘when’ and ‘what came before’ and ‘what was said’ becomes vital in determining what’s ‘okay’ and what’s ‘you’re an arsehole’.

Ghosting is largely about expectations, and to me when either party has set expectations that this communication or relationship is going somewhere, either through their behaviour or explicitly by using their actual words, and THEN they disappear off the face of the earth: That’s ghosting.

Having said that, there are ambiguities all over that idea because it’s so dependent on personal perception.

With online dating and remote connections, the definition of when something is a ‘personal relationship’ and when it’s reasonable to start having expectations starts to become hazy, which leads to a huge grey area where ghosting is concerned.

For me, if someone stops responding to me after we have been communicating consistently for a month or so, where we have both expressed genuine interest in a relationship, in meeting up, are exploring compatibility, have shared personal details, exchanged photos, maybe sexted (I don’t, but many do), have emotional investment, are making plans, even if we’ve not met yet… and then they disappear. That’s ‘ghosting’.

At that point, there is enough investment and agreement on ‘what we are doing’ that a ‘sorry, not interested’ is a reasonable expectation. At the very LEAST if I send a ‘hey what’s up I haven’t heard from you’ follow up, they should reply with ‘this isn’t working’ or something to close the door.

Let’s go further.

Let’s take that month of online communication and add an actual date and sex to it, add sweet words, and plans to get together on Saturday and for Sunday brunch. And THEN someone ghosts. Now the ghoster is a special kind of arsehole, the kind that the lovely Hy over at A Dissolute Life had the misfortune of meeting recently.

I don’t even care what the reasons are*. Ghosting like that is not okay.

While I can forgive some dubious instances of not proactively saying ‘I’m done here’, if the other person contacts you, ignoring them when they reach out (vs replying with ‘sorry, I’m not feeling it’ or something) is not acceptable.

Some people like to pretend that they are doing the kindest thing by ghosting, or some get all chest-beaty in an ‘I don’t owe them anything’ kind of way, and it’s the biggest load of bullshit, truly. The truth is that they are too socially stunted to deal with doing a difficult thing, and if that’s the case, then they shouldn’t be dating in the first place.

If I get to a certain point of interest with someone, I will explicitly ask them not to ghost on me. It’s not necessarily going to stop them from doing it if that’s their way, not at all, but at least then if they do it I will know 100% that they are aware that it will hurt me and that they don’t care. They are that special kind of arsehole, and I can more easily forget about them.

In all of that ranty business, the defence of ghosting as a perfectly valid way to end things is new to me. Previously I’ve seen pretty broad agreement that it’s not an okay way to behave and those who did it were totally in the wrong.

But recently I’ve been seeing robust defence of ghosting as a way to end a relationship. I assume the defenders have a point after which it’s no longer okay, though where that point is I’m not sure: Two dates? Sex? Sex twice and BDSM play 3 times? 5 dates? 10 dates? 3 months? 6 months? Meeting family? Living together? Perhaps 10 years and 3 kids is the point at which it becomes unacceptable to ghost someone…

Obviously as the investment gets bigger, the idea of ghosting becomes more and more the domain of the arsehole and I probably sound like an old curmudgeon to say that my tolerance for it is pretty much nil. I see defence of the practice as eroding our sense of kindness and respect in dating interactions. I see the lack of care in it leading to a kind of ‘fuck you’ level of passive-aggressive combat in the dating world that is going to put us all in an place where ‘they who display the least care wins’.

*Caveat: I’m very aware that sometimes it’s not emotionally or physically safe to reject someone. If someone is scared that getting in touch with the other person to end it will trigger some kind of abusive response, then I think that ghosting is a completely valid option. I’m certainly not referring to those people in this little rant.

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My ‘Happy Femdom Stories’ book is out!

Behold the beauty of my new ‘Happy Femdom Stories’ book!

The book is full of joyful stories from F/m folks talking about how they found their partners and what happened next.

In 2011, I did a call out on my blog asking dominant women and submissive men to send me their happy femdom stories and they responded with beautiful accounts of their relationships. In this book, I share 25 heart-warming, joyful, and hopeful real-life femdom relationship stories gathered from people who live them.

The authors tell personal stories of meeting their F/m partners, building their femdom relationships, and how it feels to be living in their relationships with the ones they love. Some are new relationships, some over 20 years in the making, some will soon marry. All unique, intimate, and fascinating.

These stories are genuine experiences from real people involved in F/m relationships: Each is unique, all are positive and uplifting, affirming and illuminating.

Their bright shiny experiences give us hope and show us possibilities, and if that’s not important, I don’t know what is.

To the contributing authors

Thank you so much for allowing me the privilege of sharing your stories: I very much appreciate your generosity and grace.

You’ll recognise some fabulous bloggers’ names in the mix of authors: Stabbity (Not Just Bitchy), Axe (unspeakableAxe & Masocast), Tom Allen (Edge of Vanilla) and Eiren & Berkson (Prick Your Finger) all contributed their wonderful stories.

I have put 25 stories in the book: This is not all of the stories I’ve received, and if you hoped or expected to see your story in this book and it’s not, I haven’t forgotten you!

I’m hoping that the release of the book will prompt an influx of more happy femdom stories, and when (if!) it does, then I will have an opportunity to compile them all into a second book. I figured if I put all of the ones I already have in book one, then I would have to wait another 5 years to have enough for a second one, so I strategically held some back in the hope that new stories will quickly flesh it out (this is the kind of overthinking that leads to me taking months to do what should take weeks… :P).

On that note, if you have a story that you are willing to share, I’d love to hear it. Please check out my call out post for details and send it on to me :).

On FREEBIES!

It’s on Amazon right now BUT DON’T GET IT YET (made myself laugh: an indie author telling people not to buy their book… UNTHINKABLE!).

I mean you can, of course, but my plan all along has been to give it away for free.

I have discovered that Amazon does NOT let me just list a book for free (this is inexplicable since there are a gazillion free books on there :/). There are very restrictive rules around when and how I am allowed to offer my book for free and they are further restricted because I’m not American, so some options are not available to me.

The book is currently 99c which is the lowest price I can set, but I’m working on making it free and will be asking some of you for help with that jiggery-pokery (shhh sekrit bzns). There are other non-Amazon options to give away the book of course, but as the main game in town, I really REALLY want it to be free on Amazon.

I will shout very loudly about it when the freebie is live so you can grab it then.

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Brittle

I feel brittle.

I don’t know why exactly. Well I guess I know why, I just don’t want to say so.

Not just brittle, but spiky. Edgy. Fragile. Irritated and impatient.

Breakable.

I’m busy being busy. Doing all the things, and doing nothing, making noise for myself, distracting myself from whatever is going on.

It works for the most part.

But I am caught in a quiet moment right now. Can’t concentrate enough to talk myself out of the quiet.

I will, though. In a moment. I can’t rest here, if I stop I am vaguely worried that I won’t ever move again.

Outwardly I am clear and focussed, normal, I’m fine.

How are you?

I’m fine.

It’s true, or close, or will be soon. Hard to say.

Too busy and not busy enough, frustrated with it.

I’d write angsty emotive poetry if I was good at it.

I’m not though.

Told a potential sub they weren’t a good match for me when they called my honesty ‘passive aggressive’. An immediate peak of annoyance, an ‘oh FFS’, a ‘bye now and good luck to you’. Polite and dismissive. Waiting for the blowback ‘stupid bitch’ ‘fuck you’ whatever. Bring it.

Told a young Domme with a douchebag sub to take a good long look at the things she is saying about him, about them. She knows she has to dump his sorry arse, but she is invested now, basic truths make her cry, it hurts my heart.

Exhausted by the effort in it. All of it.

I am not fit for people right now. Scowling at them before they’ve even said a word to me and covering the frown with tissue paper upon which I paint a face that isn’t mine. A transparent picture of a smiley face behind which I narrow my eyes and bare my teeth.

No I don’t want to talk about it.

I’m fine.

Come and expect nothing of me. Let me be the one to suck the energy from your very bones until you are dry and brittle and light as a feather. Until there is nothing left.

I will wave as you float away, not even mouthing a ‘thank you’, dispassionately watch you disappear into the sky as if you never existed at all.

A wisp, an idea, something that was never real.

I hesitate, always, to post such things. Too personal, too dull, too… everything.

But it’s this or nothing.

And I swear if anyone pop-psychologises at me (is SO a word!), or tells me what I ‘should’ do, or makes ‘helpful’ suggestions in the comments, I will rage-delete them with hard stabby fingers. Just… no.

I’m wallowing for a bit before I dust myself off and carry on. Just for a bit.

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e[lust] #98

elust is a monthly publication of links to a wide variety of blog posts about sex. It provides an excellent sex-positive resource for the sex blogging community to submit what they feel is their best/favourite post of the last month for each digest. For readers, it’s a great way to discover new sex bloggers.

Enjoy.

Welcome to Elust 98

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #99 Start with the rules, come back October 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Black and white

Underdressed

I Talk Sex – Female Sexuality and Education

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

You Don’t Know What Love Is

Writing for Free vs. Getting Paid

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Ropes, Silk, & an Egg

 

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Reader Q&A: Healthy pain play, how do I…, F/m events [Audio]

Music by M.M.

This ‘Reader Q&A’ is over an hour long(!) and includes the following:

  • Telling a dominant I like that I’m transgender
  • You are shit at marketing (it’s true, I am!)
  • How do you learn to cause someone pain in a good and healthy way?
  • For those submissive men who are looking, some examples of your competition
  • Cuckolding: Is she still dominant if she gets dominated by her ‘bull’?
  • What kinds of fetish wear do women like on men?
  • Dominance to help someone get out of their own head?
  • I met a dude who’s submissive, now what?
  • How to approach D/s with a vanilla man I like?
  • My maledom is an immature babby (FINE THAT’S NOT THE ACTUAL QUESTION)
  • Struggling to work out D/s with my wife, any advice?
  • Spencer’s epic poem “The Faerie Queene” Canto 5 is fab femdom!
  • We’re both submissive, how do I get her to dominate me?
  • ‘The Great Gatsby’ style F/m events?
  • And more!

Huge thanks (again) to My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything (MFMWKE) for transcribing the audio for me.

The great top-and-tail music was created for me by the lovely M.M., thank you.

Editor note: The audio is a bit inconsistent, and I say something that implies I’m nearly done about half way through because REASONS: DON’T TURN IT OFF OR YOU’LL MISS OUT. Also: I am really bad at sound editing :P.

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

___

Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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I forgive you

I call it forgiveness, but it’s not. Not really.

Intellectually, I can say ‘I forgive you’ and I can even think that it’s true and that I mean it. You are sorry, I see that, I’m a generous person, I want to move past it, I forgive you.

But the emotional truth is that I don’t forgive you. I don’t think I’m capable of it, or at least I don’t think so anymore.

If it’s big and hurtful and egregious, if you behaved poorly, if you lied, betrayed my trust, did something terrible, I will never truly forgive you.

Once you have broken this delicate web that we have painstakingly spun between us, it’s broken.

I will remember not just the fact that you broke it, but that feeling of looking at you with new and startled eyes, that revelation, that fundamental change where a moment ago I knew you, and now I don’t. Now that I know what awfulness you are capable of, you are an entirely different person from the one you were five minutes ago. Suddenly you are a stranger who did The Bad Thing and I rewrite our entire history with that new knowledge in hand.

I don’t say ‘I don’t forgive’ as some kind of badass statement of chest-beatery. In all honesty, this is a surprise to me.

In the aftermath of someone doing The Bad Thing, someone I care about, I have said ‘I forgive you’. I meant it. I thought I meant it.

But in my heart, I strip the person of their rights with regard to me, I see every interaction through a filter that I can’t clear.

This may *look* like ‘you have to earn my trust back’ and that’s fair. But it’s more than that.

It’s not intentional: It’s not a punishment, it’s not anger, it’s not resentment, or a grudge that I deliberately hold onto and wave around like a stick to beat you with.

It’s like a wound that never properly heals. It’s not gaping wide and bleeding all over the ground, but any pressure on it will split it open again. It doesn’t even hurt. It’s more like ‘oh yeah, that’s where you stabbed me, that’s The Bad Thing’.

My go-to thought process going forward is not at all that of a person who has forgiven.

‘Wait, you’re pissed at ME about some issue when you did The Bad Thing?!’

‘No, you don’t get to demand that of me when you did The Bad Thing’

‘You’re trying to hold the high ground here after you did The Bad Thing?!’

‘Well you might think that’s unfair, but in light of The Bad Thing, you don’t get to complain’

I may not say it out loud, but it comes quickly and unbidden, and poisons both of us. I keep The Bad Thing close, it’s a dark shadow cast over everything from that point forward, just there in my peripheral vision.

That’s not what forgiveness looks like. It’s not even close.

I have been lucky, so very lucky. I have lived a life where I really haven’t had many experiences of people I care about doing wrong by me, but it means that I have no experience dealing with it. Mostly if someone treats me poorly, they are relative strangers, not worth the time or effort to deal with, I just cut them out of my life and I’m done.

But when it’s someone close to me, someone I value… well, I have no map to navigate it.

So yeah, apparently I won’t forgive you.

Even if I really really want to.

I won’t.

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