I post a lot on Fetlife discussion forums.
Occasionally I look at comments I have written and think “I should blog about that”, and I
promptly forget about it file it away carefully. The ideas disappear into the ether because for it to be ‘a blog post’, I need to remember where the damn comment was, clean it up for ‘proper publication, put it in context, add enough personal bias to make it offensive, and THEN post it. I just never get around to it.
So, I’m going to try a little experiment where I shall just copy and paste topics and my comments from Fetlife here and see if that approach results in anything worthwhile.
On the plus side: More posts from me to entertain you!!
On the minus side: Random, poorly constructed blatherings thrown onto the page (I know, I have totally opened myself up for the smartarse comments here… bring it, you ungrateful hordes!!! *shakes fist wildly*).
So here’s the first:
Original Question from a Domme (paraphrased):
When I meet potential submissives, I ‘hold back’ my dominance. I treat it like a vanilla ‘getting to know you’ thing. I want to know, from subs and slaves if this approach is a bit too laid back for most of you? Do you prefer some sort of dominance from the beginning, or only after you know the person and have met for the first time?
My Response: (and yes, I know the question was for s-types… bite me!)
I have expectations that I will lay out early on, but it’s not ‘dominance’ as much as ‘here’s what I want and if you like that, great… if you dont, then we are not suited’ (I suspect some see that as ‘dominance’, so if that works, fine). If I am willing to meet a submissive, I already know enough about him to know there is ‘something’ there, so I will have played a little with it already before meeting in terms of expressing preferences and such and noting that he picks up on those and runs with it.
My dominance is, at its core, about attraction and passion. I don’t come at some guy I don’t even know like a bull at a gate in a sexual way when I don’t even know him, but it’s not ‘holding back’ as much as waiting until I feel like expressing myself in that way. To me, my dominance is an indication of sexual interest and there are any number of factors that drive that. In essence, my dominance in the initial stages is a form of flirting and I’m not flirting with some guy unless he hits my buttons just right.
Either I feel attraction and chemistry and get that thing (you know, the THING) that makes me shift in my seat and get itchy-restless and start watching his lips move when he talks before I go “RAAWWWRRR” and start to get all dommish on his arse because he is making my blood boil, or I don’t. The “RAAWWRRR” may start off as a slight hum, but if I feel it, I’m going there, it will come naturally and I read people well enough most of the time to know if he’s ‘getting’ what I put out and to pace it so that it works, I see that as relationship building vs holding back. If he responds to it in the right way, we are cooking! If he doesn’t, then my style doesn’t suit him and I am pretty much done.
Wow… what a question! “… ask their opinions, let them make choices, agree with their ideas…” I was kind of surprised to read that. I enjoy kinky flirting, but outside the context of a negotiated scene, my dynamic with someone else bears no trappings of D/s. If someone tried to not “let” me make choices, or seemed to be intentionally disagreeing with my ideas because they were dominant and I'm submissive, I would probably run full speed in the opposite direction. I'm shocked that the question author even phrased it that way.
I really liked what you said here: “To me, my dominance is an indication of sexual interest and there are any number of factors that drive that. In essence, my dominance in the initial stages is a form of flirting and I'm not flirting with some guy unless he hits my buttons just right.”
I work pretty much the same way. If there's D/s happening–even if it's just flirting–it means there's attraction there. I think that's why it rubs me the wrong way when people try to be dominant or submissive right off the bat; it presumes a mutual attraction that may not exist (or might just not exist yet).
I think that you operate on a somewhat different level than the OP. Rather than be concerned about which “tactics” to use, you have a more organic approach whereas the relationship forms itself into a D/s type as a result of attraction and chemistry.
I would advise the OP to simply be who she is and don't worry about being either too dominant or too laid back. Get into each other's heads and allow the relationship to find it's own level.
Thanks so much for your comments. I am going to have to rethink the format.
It is unfair of me to post a partial question from Fetlife (there was more to it than I posted, I cut out the middle bit for brevity) and then not expect thoughtful readers here to comment on the question actually asked, how it was worded etc. Duh!
I have no desire to discuss the original poster's approach or represent her words further when she is not here to comment herself to clarify or to provide further detail… The way I have presented it puts me in the position of feeling defensive of her because I have put her OP out here in this format.
The above holds true, even though I am hugely interested in hearing your thoughts… the focus is odd though… after all, it's supposed to be all about ME!!
I will have to have a think about this some more, and in the meantime, with apologies to both of you, I am going to edit the post to just leave the crux of the question rather than the original poster's words…
I can't imagine what it must be like to be actively searching for a lifestyle partner. I happened across my partner through an online dating site. The D/s came later and gradually. Even though at the time I met her, D/s was in the back of my mind, what was more important is what she was like as a person, how our life interests matched, and how our personalities clicked.
my interactions with my pro Domme required a level of negotiation when we first started playing together, but that was after I'd entered the dungeon. However, when I have met Her co-workers at clubs, bbqs and other non-kink outings, I still feel the “Topness” of their energy radiating from them. I feel like it is less about putting on or taking off dominance when you seek a lifestyle partner and more about exuding and being confident with your Topness always. As a sub I don't need to be slapped in the face with their dominance, I like perceiving it and being intrigued by it.
submissivedude: “If there's D/s happening–even if it's just flirting–it means there's attraction there. I think that's why it rubs me the wrong way when people try to be dominant or submissive right off the bat; it presumes a mutual attraction that may not exist (or might just not exist yet).”
*nod* Yes, exactly, and there is a little push-pull dance where you play a little to see if there *is* mutual attraction… that early discovery is lovely.
slapshot: “…you have a more organic approach whereas the relationship forms itself into a D/s type as a result of attraction and chemistry.”
I do, yes. And I think of it like puzzle pieces… my style will not appeal to everyone, just as everyone will not appeal to me, and that's ok. Neither of us need to twist and turn to try and make it fit.
I've never had a “not dominant enough” remark from anyone, but I am always baffled as to why women worry about it. What I hear is “we are not a good fit”, and that's fair enough. It's not up to the Domme to behave differently if that's not her style in order to appeal to some guy who wants something different. It's also not necessarily up to the submissive to change his expectations (unless they are not at all based in reality).
I love this post. “The buttons” especially and how D/s is just how we express our attraction. Being submissive is a form of expression that is erotic in nature. I think of lordosis behaviour: quite literally I am “catting” for it. And I don’t feel this with everyone. It is more that some women put out a kind of flirting energy that I feel as overpowering—that they might pounce. And I have to say that the more calm and collected in the everyday, the more powerful she is. A state of being gives confidence. On both sides of the slash. When a dominant woman is attracted to me, it is deeply validating, as it is when I am attracted to her and feel her dominance. When the chemistry aligns, it becomes a beautiful dance.
Thanks: I’m glad it resonated with you :).
ServingB: “I can't imagine what it must be like to be actively searching for a lifestyle partner.”
Me either, I don't actively search… personally, I find 'searching' an odd concept for relationships (whether it's vanilla or D/s). I just talk to people, I am open to it, and when I find someone who clicks with me… huzzah!!
“I happened across my partner through an online dating site. The D/s came later and gradually. Even though at the time I met her, D/s was in the back of my mind, what was more important is what she was like as a person, how our life interests matched, and how our personalities clicked.”
*nod* I do think that the D/s component can interfere with that for many. Starting relationships, getting to know someone, figuring out how you relate etc is hard enough without D/s being in it to complicate things.
You are one of the very lucky ones *smile*
Mina: “I feel like it is less about putting on or taking off dominance when you seek a lifestyle partner and more about exuding and being confident with your Topness always.”
If I took the phrase 'with your Topness always' out of that sentence I would agree, only because I don't really know what my 'topness' is, really, and I am not sure I have it always… I think I do know what you mean though, which is essentially 'be yourself and confident in it', and that makes sense to me. I expect that what I put out there will resonate with some and not register with others… no different from vanilla attraction.
“As a sub I don't need to be slapped in the face with their dominance, I like perceiving it and being intrigued by it.”
*smile* As a Domme, I think exactly the same. I love to see hints of submission being drawn out, like a shy little creature peeking out at me from behind there… it's beyond lovely.