Negotiation in my relationships

I don’t negotiate play in my relationships. The key part there being ‘in my relationships’.

To get to the ‘in my relationship’ part, we have already done the work, we know what’s in scope, we’ve established boundaries, we know each other, and he trusts me to make judgement calls about what we do when, and how. I know that kind of blanket consent is a thing some folks are uncomfortable with and I understand that it’s not a model that works for everyone. But for me and mine, I will get us there. And my submissive always has a safeword: I trust him to call it if he needs to.

I negotiated very specifically with richie because it was casual play: That’s a very different thing. I didn’t know him well, he was new and very nervous, and I wanted us both to be clear about what was in scope and what wasn’t. No ‘winging it’, no ‘whatever I feel like’, nothing like that was going to happen.

But in my relationships, we learn each other well enough for blanket consent to work well.

We have general discussions at random times. I learn what his interests, fears, turn-ons are in that, I watch how he reacts to ideas, I find out what his experiences have been, and I use all of that input to decide where to go with him. And when we play, we both rely on my judgement to bring him into it with me, to keep him safe, to assess how it’s going, to communicate with him while we are in it, and to respond accordingly.

My negotiation for this punching play looked like this:

Sometime before:
Me: I want to punch you…
Him: *perks up, eager smile* That could be fun.
[some general chat about punching, what we’ve seen, what we’ve done, what’s hot about it, our experience…]

On the day:
Me: *smile* Punching?
Him: *grin* Okay.

We didn’t discuss anything more. He trusted me to be smart and careful and watchful and to look after him, and he went willingly into it with that mindset. I honour that trust by doing all of those things.

It’s a little different if I am working with him to get him to try something new, especially if it’s something frightening for him (like needles, for instance). In that case, often the negotiation is more about easing his fear with familiarity than it is about anything else. Talking about it gently and calmly, sometimes for weeks before, is part of bringing him into it with me, and often talking him through exactly what is going to happen before and during is almost like part of the play (that is, hot and scary and vulnerable-making).

I don’t advocate this approach for ‘people in general’, and certainly don’t ever advise new folks to take this approach: I think it’s ripe for capital T Trouble.

But I trust my instincts, I trust the submissive men I choose to be involved with, and I trust that they enjoy (and crave) me genuinely doing what I want with them when I feel like it.

Loves: 22
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  1. Has your narcissim and the man’s lack of esteem tricked the both of you into to believing the primise of this writing? Your meglomania has convinced you that your sexuality and its expression are perfect, without flaws. His complete absense of male ego has convinced him that only a woman knows whats best for him. There’s never that much trust in the real world. Suspicion is the natural order of the world.

    1. Question, sir… is your comment a result of disorientation from the altitude of your high horse or are you just agitated from too many billy goats crossing over the bridge you call home? Just curious. If neither, perhaps you can show us on the doll where this blog post hurt you…

    2. @Samuel

      I’m unsure of why you think this kind of “blanket consent” is so offensive. In many Vanilla relationships, there’s not much negotiation at all. As with anything, someone can give verbal and non-verbal cues. The submissive has a safeword and can use it if he feels uncomfortable. A relationship isn’t 0 to 100 like pick up play or pro sessions. Especially if you’re in a lifestyle situation it would be annoying redundant to ask every time. Perhaps this kind of thing isn’t for you, in which case that’s fine.

    3. @Corwyn: Thank you for the laugh :).

      @Witts: None of BDSM or D/s is for him, and yet he keeps showing up here to read and then express his shock and horror at all of its very terribleness.

      I’m not addressing Samuel’s comment: I have tried in the past to speak sensibly with him, but he wilfully and sadly wants (needs?) to see evil and abuse here, to believe the very worst (of me, of BSDM, of any and all of this). He will not be commenting here any more (which sounds much more ominous than it is :P).


      1. Sort of hoping it doesn’t sound more ominous than it is, but of course you’re known for your sense of moderation, even timidity.

        1. Oh Ferns you were doing so well with this ” He will not be commenting here any more (which sounds much more ominous than it is :P).” Till the brackets I had visions of you flinging him into a shark tank and everything!

    4. This is projection at its worst.

      1. Fern’s sexuality and it’s expression are perfect. Because they’re hers. They may not be perfect for me, or perfect for you. But for her they are. So if she likes the colour blue, then that’s what she likes. You don’t get a say in it.

      2. How do you even know what he’s convinced of? I take pride in what I do for my wife. Whether that be doing things I don’t like, or doing things I do. It’s my EGO that allows me to do that. Because it’s hard. You may not be wired that way, but don’t project your own fragile ego on others. And you wanna know something? I got taken out to dinner once. No choice was mine. I was expected to open doors, provide good conversation, and pay for the meal. And you know something? And out of that experience, for the first time ever, I actually understood why men submit. It’s relaxing. It’s fun. And you experience things you otherwise wouldn’t. It’s like riding a rollercoaster. Safe. Exciting. Full of belly drops and adrenaline.

      3. Not that much trust in *your* real world. I’ve had people trust me with their name and address without even knowing me. An online friend of my wife invited me TO HER HOME to pick her up and take her out to dinner. That is trust and courage. Maybe your attitude explains why you don’t get to see that. Maybe that’s why in *your* world, suspicion is the natural order.

      I’d like to say I feel sorry for you and I hope you feel better about things in the future, whatever went wrong. But I don’t. I just think you should piss off.

    5. narcissim, esteem, into to, primise, meglomania, absense, whats

      Grade: F
      Recommendation: Should avoid writing, to minimise humiliation.

      On a personal note Samuel, go fuck a cactus.

  2. “But I trust my instincts, I trust the submissive men I choose to be involved with, and I trust that they enjoy (and crave) me genuinely doing what I want with them when I feel like it.”

    Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

  3. Thanks for the link to the punching post.
    Damn damn damn, this is equal parts sexy (extremely) and beautiful because of the whole trust/vulnerability thing and because he’s going so far to please you.
    Also your words to him….
    Ok I’m gushing a little here.
    Thank you for the distraction. Lovely, happy distraction.

  4. This post absolutely nailed how my Domme and I interact and play. She asked a lot of questions, I answered openly, honestly, and candidly and now in probably 95% of circumstances I am flying blind when it’s play time and I love it.

    It’s just one more piece of my power that I’m able to give to her. And that might just be my favorite thing.

  5. It seems to me that for F/m to work in general-not just play time-the man would place a lot of trust in the woman.

    Enough trust for the man to just let go and do as he is told.

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