French vanilla dating

Femdom dating, vanilla style…

I have not come up with a nickname for him instinctively. I’m not sure why exactly. Someone clever on Twitter suggested ‘French vanilla’ (as in ‘vanilla with a hint of more’), which would be super cute if he was actually French :). I’m going to go with My Gentleman (MG) for now, because he so is and it’s quite lovely.

Our second date was a traditional old-style dinner date and I liked that a lot.

I genuinely cannot remember the last time I had a very ‘normal’ date (not anyone’s fault, just that the submissives I’ve been interested in have always been remote from me, and when they have to travel to meet and stay for a weekend, nothing about it is ‘normal’). So this was the kind of date I used to have pre-BDSM, when I met someone out in the world that I liked the look of and I’d ask them out for dinner. Or vice versa.

There are things I like very much about him. There are hints of an openness that are rather unexpected, he is not comfortable with it, but it’s there. I enjoy and seek out the almost-unfiltered emotional fearlessness that I associate with the kinds of submissive men I adore, and I don’t expect anything like that from vanilla men. It’s an innate and honed skill that thrives under encouragement, and it’s a kind of courage that often finds its home in submissive men. But small hints are there with MG, though they are quick to hide again.

He’s also very frank about his attraction to me, and I like that also. He looks at me like he can’t believe his good fortune. I mentioned this to my twitter folks: I enjoy it so much more because he sees *me* and not ‘a Domme’. And lord, how I’ve missed that.

I feel like I’ve almost forgotten what that feels like, to have the Domme-light removed, to not be viewed through that rose-gold coloured filter that makes everything about me seem bigger and better than it really is. Feeling ‘seen’ and appreciated without it is a kind of relief. It means I don’t have to do any work to find a way through and past that barrier.

Dinner went well, conversation was light and easy, moving smoothly from one topic to another. We laughed quite a bit. We went for a drink afterwards at a bar nearby. For someone who routinely has 6-8 hour dates because I’m having to fit everything into a weekend visit, these have been short 2-3 hour dates.

The lack of urgency in evaluating potential and fit has benefits and drawbacks. There’s no rush since he lives nearby, but I fear a little that his expectations may build while I’m still trying to figure out if there’s something there.

Over dinner, he asked if I was going to share my books/pseudonym with him. He’s understandably very curious what my ‘relationship-related’ content is about. He knows there are books, and a podcast, and a blog. He searched for me, he said. I had to laugh. There are SO MANY relationship-related everythings out there, the chances of him finding me are super low.

I told him I wasn’t ready, that it was like opening my diary and I didn’t want everything to be overshadowed by what he found. He is very curious, a little impatient, but so far it’s good-humoured. I will probably discuss the content before I give my author name or actual links, but I’m holding off because I don’t want the next however-many-hours of our time together to be about that, and I don’t want to have to ‘manage’ that information. Not yet. Not until I get a better handle on the potential.

I asked him why he messaged me on the vanilla dating site. He said he liked women who know what they want and my profile showed that clearly. I didn’t ask him if he’d trawled through my Q&A where I answered all of the D/s questions (though I’m certain he did). I don’t expect him to identify as submissive, but he’s very attuned to my comfort and is very accommodating in a way that is familiar to me in a D/s context.

He takes small direction well, and he takes a ‘no’ well also, both of which are good to know. At one point, while sitting across the table from me, he asked if he could come and sit next to me, obviously for the physical proximity. I said ‘no’, that I preferred to look at his face. He nodded immediately, said he understood, did not argue or get hurt about it.

When we parted, I kissed him goodnight, standing by my car in the cold evening, slightly taller than him in my heels. Exploratory kisses, sweet, gentle, touching his face. He smelled good, I told him so, he stammered a little at the compliment. It was easy to lead the kiss, he did not angle for more than was offered, matching my pace. I waited for that hint of hunger in the pit of my stomach, but didn’t feel it.

He left the evening saying he couldn’t wait to see me again. I love that guileless honesty.

He texted me to check that I got home safely, and again in the morning to ask if I’d like to do something on the weekend. He is not playing games, and I like that also. I suggested a Saturday drive, markets in the sunshine, a walk on the beach, lunch. “I love it when she does the planning!” he replied.

I am uninterested in between-date chit chat or texting. A part of it is that texting means typing on my phone which I loathe, but another part is that it feels like ‘work’. The brief exchanges we’ve had have indeed been the kind of idle chit chat that most people seem to enjoy, but that feels tedious to me. That does not bode well for our connection, but it is what it is. He has been really good with respecting that, reigning himself in when texting, though I suspect he doesn’t like it much.

I’m still hopeful about finding the spark that I can’t quite get to, trying to give it a chance because I like him. ‘Like’ is not enough, of course, and I hate that it’s too often just like this with me. Good, smart, funny men who are keen on me, who are genuinely great, and with whom it should work (even if it doesn’t pan out long term), and still I struggle. I don’t know why I’m like this. It’s very frustrating.

It’s only been a couple of dates and I’m hanging in to see if there’s a slow burn to fire up. His open and honest interest helps with that: If it’s going to build, he needs to carry me along with his enthusiasm for a bit. So we will see.

Loves: 22
Please wait…

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  1. Crackin’ boots Grommit! This seems to be going well so yay and stuff! I believe that’s the term that the young people use.

  2. I enjoy your mind, Ferns, and love that you share so much of those beautiful thoughts with us. Please don’t take offense, but geez! you’d be tough to date! It seems you’re expecting a lot to happen in the first couple dates, and if it’s not all firecrackers, I HEAR you losing interest, despite your own enjoyment and obvious compatability. If you don’t mind a little unsolicited advice from someone who would love to see you find happiness, I suggest you just relax with this guy, and see where it leads. You don’t have to find a life partner in a couple dates, or, even a year of them. Maybe by then, you could start that “is it right” hardcore evaluation.

    We all struggle with the “can I have the relationship without my pre-ordained level of kink” question, but from what you’ve shared, you sound very tired of forcing yourself into that box. Maybe just let it ride without demanding you and he fit into those roles? Just some thoughts. Sorry if I overstep.

  3. Heh. You can’t say ‘I enjoy your mind’ while also saying ‘stop having all your thinky thoughts’! That’s not how it works!

    You need to separate my thoughts from my actions to see what’s going on.

    I think things, always and constantly. I share them here. They inform what I do, of course, but they are not my actions.

    So when you say ‘relax with this guy, and see where it leads’, you are telling me to suck eggs, because ‘seeing where it leads’ is exactly what I’m doing, and I said that (see above). If ‘relaxing’ means ‘turn your brain off and stop overthinking’, that’s not a thing for someone like me.

    You are right, though: I am difficult (pretty sure I actually say that in my dating profile). And yes, I am tough to date. I don’t think I make connections like most people in general, much less in dating. But I have had the kind of connection I want, so I know it exists, is possible, and that I can have it with someone. Do I ‘expect’ it: Nope. I know exactly how rare it is. Do I want it and notice when it isn’t there. Hell yes, I do.


  4. Maybe you need men who are as comfortably “aloof” as you are between dates, and few men have enough dating self-confidence (or their own “aloofness”) to take that risk. (Since the vast majority of women aren’t like that, and expect the mindless chit-chat as proof of interest.)

    1. I do. Or someone who is hellishly entertaining. I’m utterly uninterested in ‘good morning, how are you’ type of pleasantries.

      Mind you, I have computer-based chat with various friends and that’s great. The difference is that we each have no expectations, and if either of us loses interest, we can happily wander off without causing the other any angst.


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