Shit at casual

There are multiple reasons why I’m shit at casual. It’s not just one thing, but they all end up in the same shitpile.

I’m going to reiterate up-front that my inability to do casual is not the cougarling’s fault: He was, if anything, on the wrong side of my failed experiment, and that failure sits on my side.

The main issue is that I can’t work up passion for someone I’m not all that interested in.

With the cougarling, we got something going to a point in his previous visits because I was ‘doing the work’: I was doing emotional, social, intellectual work to try and explore if there was relationship potential there. I threw a lot of effort at it to see what I could draw out. That’s my A-game, to point my intensity at someone and probe around to see what’s there.

I’m not willing, or even able, to do that for casual because I already know there’s nothing under the surface. It’s pointless.

So for this visit, I knew already that there was nothing more to it, so I wasn’t bringing anything close to my A-game. But I thought I could cycle up enough for it to fire up on some other level, and he would bring the rest, and it would even out at about 75% or thereabouts and it would still be pretty fucking good.

But what happens in reality is that if I’m not aiming my emotional, sexual, or D/s energy at him (which he has seen, experienced, and quite reasonably expects is ‘how I am’), and he gets some lacklustre me-lite, his energy and interest drop in response. Then I react to that, and so it goes.

And we end up in a cycle of ‘meh’.

I truly envy people who can grab a bunch of ‘raawwrrr’ sexual energy for casual partners who they aren’t invested in. I thought I could bring some at least and I managed a touch. But I just… can’t keep it up (which as a sexual metaphor is entirely apt). Because I genuinely don’t care, I feel nothing.

The other thing is that I’m bad at peopling. Truly. I don’t enjoy it, it’s not fun for me. In and of itself, it’s work. Max-introvert here. So I meet submissive men only if I think there is genuine potential, and then I ‘bring it’ because I’m hopeful and curious and interested. I was trying to break out of that thinking somewhat, but when they clearly don’t have potential, the tenor of our interaction changes from ‘exploring potential’ to ‘generic peopling’ and I struggle a lot with that.

A lot of the ‘meh’ is related to that difference.

On top of that, if we aren’t compatible, the things that make us incompatible pop up over and over and I find them irritating.

I don’t have the patience or interest to be kind and understanding, to temper my irritation, to work through it. Again, that’s work, and putting work into something that has no legs is not a thing for me. So I have less tolerance, I will not let things slip by, I will poke at them, and that leads to not-very-pleasant exchanges. And by ‘not-very-pleasant’, I don’t mean angry or upset. I just mean having those misfire/disagreement/’eh?’ type conversations that create, and then widen, those feelings of disconnection and isolation.

So, the lesson: IF I want to do casual anything ever again (big ‘if’), it has to be someone local so I can do short sharp carve-outs of time where there is no talking and we part ways after a few hours. If he’s super cute and can be D/s-engaging for a few hours, I think that might be something I can do.

But then, the chances of finding that locally are tiny, so it’s more a hypothetical ‘LOL’ than a theory to be tested.


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  1. Just reading this exhausted me. I felt the weight of all the work in your post on the visit, and it feels just as heavy in this post.

    Kudos to you for your self-awareness and for articulating feelings I’ve had, too.

  2. I’m completely with you on the”bad at peopling” thing. I am as well, so I know how difficult it can be to have a forced conversation with someone when there is no real connection. Since moving into a new place last November, I have been repeatedly been told by neighbors that “My door is always open” or “Why don’t you drop by sometime?”. Needless to say, I never do. One even asked me “Don’t you ever get just… SO LONELY? You don’t ever need someone to TALK TO?” and then looked expectantly at me. “No”, I replied.

    While I will engage with others if the need should arise, (such as when my neighbor’s roof collapsed) I find that making small talk is exhausting work… This is especially true when we have little in common. Don’t get me wrong, I am always friendly and ready to offer help if needed but I find that I lack the patience to simply “hang out” for more than a very short period of time.

    I couldn’t even imagine adding a sexual component to that. Working up passion for someone I have no interest in is a complete non-starter for me.

    1. It’s interesting isn’t it? How different we all are.

      I can completely relate to you about the neighbours. I say a pleasant hello and keep moving. God forbid any of them want to have a chat (‘yes it IS nice weather’).

      For some people, socialising is work, and for some it’s a relaxing pleasure.

      I don’t mind doing the work if there’s a point to it (relationship!), and once we are firing, it’s no longer work. But this was not that :/.

      Thank you for such a thoughtful comment.


  3. I’m sure you’re right (as always Miss Ferns!!!) but should you be so critical – “failed”, “failure”, “fault” – on yourself when your are perfect, adorable, sexy as f**k, challenging, divine, awesome?

  4. I get you. Casual for me would be scratching a mutually enjoyable itch with someone I appreciated on a casual basis. Thing is though, there aren’t that many itches I have that I want to do for their own sake, so, no casual. It really needs to be because I want to do it with *them*, otherwise as you said, its peopling. My limit on casual would probably be going to see a film with some one/some people and then talking about the film afterwards, and then losing interest when they wanted to talk about someone else and it became generic peopling ;-).

    The whole don’t speak thing was sad, but I get it. I think it’s as much the irritation of peopling as the I know trying to make myself do it feels like its rub against the grain of me, and that irritates me even more.

    You mentopned – “I truly envy people who can grab a bunch of ‘raawwrrr’ sexual energy for casual partners who they aren’t invested in. ” I understand that, I used to feel that way, like I was missing out on something… but now? I just don’t get them. They are an alien species to me, I nod and smile and know I’m never going to understand that whilst secretly part of me thinks secretly thinks of the good things of being this way. Like going to the grocery store and holding hands and feeling that connection, that intimacy in doing such simple things and knowing in a weird way its the same as sex or play (just with different highs), because its with *them*. I don’t think I’d trade that for the world, and I love the fact that it’s them that brings out this excitement, energy and desire in me.

    1. “I understand that, I used to feel that way, like I was missing out on something… but now? I just don’t get them.”

      I suspect that change might have something to do with the fact that you’re all coupled up. Of COURSE you don’t feel like you’re missing out on anything now.

      “I don’t think I’d trade that for the world”

      I’d hope not :)!

      But being able to do casual isn’t *instead* of something serious: It’s the fun you have in between the serious-es (well, unless you’re non-monogamous, then whatever combination/s work).


  5. Hi,, yep know where your coming from there, but as you said you were willing to give it a go even though you said the previous meetings you were doing all the work,, Thats just hard work but we’ve all done it from time to time . Admire you for giving it a go those previous meets must have had something about them , sorry for your loss , chin up ,, ok where’s the next one coming from.

    1. It was definitely worth a try: I can’t know until I give it a go. And I learned some things, so that’s always useful.

      And who knows where the next one is coming from :). But I’m willing to bet it’s nowhere near me because that’s how it always goes.


  6. I feel all of this SO MUCH. I’m the very same, max introvert and only interested in the deeper dive. It’s very challenging and deflating! I hope you find some balance and moreover, some hot local boys, despite that challenge too.

    1. VERY challenging :/.

      I try not to wish I wasn’t like this (because it is what it is), but man I’d love to just ‘line up the hot boys’ and run at them like some carefree wildling :).


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