Reader Q&A: Fetishes, disappearances, & affection

Yay, Q&A!


At what age did you figure out you were a domme?

I found out there was such a thing as BDSM when I was about 30.

Before that, I did the work to figure out how to work with power in my relationships, but I had no context within which to put a label on it.


Hi! I love how dominant girl you are. Yes, I am a fuckable guy! My email is [redacted].



Dear Ferns,

I would first like to say thank you for your blog. i have been reading it for some time and have found it very interesting and informative. My mistress is also a big fan and she requires me to read it often along with many other femdom blogs.

My question is in regards to how a slave should behave during his punishment? I imagine there have been times you have had to punish a slave for mistakes or bad behavoir and i would like to know if you would prefer to see your slaves take punishment silently, no whinning and begging for mercy and this sort of thing? Or would you prefer to hear his cries becuase it shows you that he is indeed learning his lesson and suffering for his mistakes? I am askign because i am often beat and punished by my mistress and i do not know if i should try very hard to keep quite or is it okay to express my pain?

I would really like to do whatever will make mistress happy and be most merciful?

When the punishemtns are severe i find it difficult to control sometimes crying or begging for mercy but i don;t want to make her angry or be annoying or disrespectful in anyway. I am sure this is a very unusual question but not sure.

For some reasons i have not found it easy to ask my mistress this and she is not stated one way or the other what she would prefer. Again, i can not always control this especially when the punishments are extreme but i would like to try very hard to just keep quite if you feel it will give me a greater chance at mercy and will also show more respect?

Any advice would be very appreciated.

Thank you.

Hello there,

Thank you so much for the compliment. I’m glad you and your mistress are enjoying my writing.

I do have a punishment dynamic in my relationships, but I don’t do corporal punishment, so I have nothing useful to say about this.

But EVEN IF I DID, what I think is irrelevant to you and your mistress. You can’t ask other people what will please your mistress or make her react a certain way: That doesn’t work.

My advice: get over your reluctance and talk to your mistress about it.

Best of luck.



A thought suddenly struck me and after realising that I am a clueless naive boy who knows nothing I decided maybe ferns would know better … What is at all any do you think is the difference between male and female doms ?

(Based on any parameter you like … Their motivation, approach to domination, what they get out of it, etc.)

I think it’s an interesting question, but I also think it’s unanswerable. I think it’s a mistake to try and generalise styles of dominance based on gender. I’m not convinced that those kinds of generalisations have any value, and I don’t have enough anecdotal information about maledoms to make any useful personal observations.

So I’m afraid I’m going to have to shrug and say ‘pass’ on this one (you waited a while for this non-answer didn’t you? *laugh*).



My Dearest Ferns it seems after three beautiful months the boy I was involved with has simply disappeared. We had been arguing about little things in the prior week and then one morning I woke up to nothing. No email. No text. No answer on his cell. I became distraught. We have known each other for two years and I feel like I have lost my friend and a piece of my heart. My question is what now? I was thinking of taking a hiatus and recuperating emotionally. How do I approach another in the future without lingering on the past?

a loyal fan

Oh, I’m so sorry this happened to you :(. That really sucks.

I have been slow to get to my Asks, so I’m hoping that you have at least partially recovered by now. I assume that you weren’t in a position to go to his house and say ‘hey, what happened here’?

How do you approach another? With an open heart and wishful thinking and fingers crossed. You risk heartbreak every time you get involved with someone. That’s the cost of entry.

Though I guess if he was remote, since it’s much more difficult for people who are local to just ‘disappear’, you might want to avoid that situation for a while.

*belated hugs*



Dear Ferns,

This morning I had a dream: “She kissed me, her hands slowly wandered down my back, feeling every detail, reaching my ass, and staying there: She stroke my ass-cheeks, kneading them. It electrized me, excited me. “Turn about!”.She turned me, untied hastily my belt and tore down my pants. “O how beautiful!” She grasped my ass again from behind with “full hands spread”. “How I love your ass!” Her claws digging themselves into my flesh, tore the cheeks apart, penetrated the cleft, massaging everything. A slap, one more.. I got almost crazy..”- Is that unrealistic? Is it just a male fantasy? It’s completely against the role-division! I never read that women are attracted to men’s asses as vice versa. I really get excited when I imagine that the man’s butt awakens her sexual feelings, her sexual desires as much as vice versa. But is that the case?

You post some (well-shaped) male butts and write “pretty, beautiful”. Do you mean that in a just aestetical sense, or could it excite you, already just seeing them? And – I hope it’s not too personal – what are YOUR fantasies, dreams then? – I hope I am not too “strange”,”mad” or “perverse”.

– Thank you very much, and all the best!

Of course some women get excited about their man’s arse. And some women get excited about men’s arses in general.

Personally, I don’t get aroused by strange men’s butts: when I post pictures of them, it’s because they are pleasing to me. I can appreciate the beauty in a lovely arse, or forearm, or back, or shoulder, or… well, most body parts frankly.

And if he is my own boy, pretty much everything about him has erotic potential, including his arse.



I have read a great deal on dominance and submission and have experimented with several aspects. I am not new to it. I do not have a chip on my shoulder concerning it except for one thing. If I read ten articles, blogs or tumblers, if I talk to ten people at least eight of them use the term “vanilla” with a disparaging tone, as if it is less than. Less emotional. Less exciting. Less rewarding. And the one that really irks me, less intimate. Why the distain? Or is it just because most people feel their way is the best?

Thank you.

It irks me sometimes also.

And yes, it’s because they want to believe that BDSM relationships are more intimate, deeper, more meaningful, more honest, and generally better than vanilla relationships.

But what they are really saying is that THEY were incapable of having vanilla relationships that felt as if they reached the same level of intimacy, depth, meaning, honesty etc. Which is fair enough.

I think there are little pockets of ‘better than thou’ in most things to be honest. It seems to be an inherent part of human nature.



Dear Ferns,

I can’t leave the subject, I hope I don’t bother you with it!

So: Society is completely silent about the attraction of the male ass for women! And women also don’t (dare to?) talk much about it. Women present their asses, almost “offer” them – men don’t, they cover them, even hide them. If I would wear tight pants, people would, I fear, think I’m gay! But for me (very “straight”!)it’s also a very erotic zone: Every touch by a woman there is very “erotisizing” for me immediately.

But there is still the great uncertainty: What does a woman feel – viewing for example your posts of naked men from the backside? What does she think, imagine, fantasize in that moment when she sees those “pretty,beautiful” male butts? What do you think? Of course, women are different – but there are several “polls”/samples which say, that most women look “at first” on this part of men’s body. Why? I saw this photo you posted some months ago of several women drawing a naked man. But they draw his “front side”! His back-side was presented to the viewers of the photo, and it was again “beautiful, pretty” – but never drawn by women! Why?

All artistic works presenting the naked male body were made by men, from the Antique via the Middle Ages to the present, and, I suppose,all the artists were gay (Michelangelo!). I suppose, the desire(s) of the women simply were not so “interesting/important” for the (male-dominated) society. But then the men rob themselves of a part of their own: Nothing excites me more than to know: (Also)This part of the(my)body arouses her!
I am curious to know your answer, your opinion. –

A happy weekend for you!

I can clearly see that this is important to you and you seem to want reassurance that some women really do love men’s arses and are excited by them. They do and they are. But I’ve answered already and haven’t anything more to say about it.

But I will say this: If you convey an obsession about it, women are going to find it off-putting, just as they find men with a single minded focus on any fetish off-putting. So be careful with that.

Here’s Google’s take.


Hello Ferns!

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and it’s been really inspiring to me, so first of all, thank you for sharing your experiences, ideas and impressions with us! It has helped me to feel more comfortable with my condition.

I’ve been struggling because I’m a domme but for the first time I’m in a relationship wit a submissive, and we’re happily in love. We’re discovering each other, exploring our limits and everything works fine, except for the emotional side. There are days where all I need are cuddles and him taking care of me, but I’m afraid at some point he may be the needing one, and since he follows my lead, I think he won’t ask me or tell me when he’s in need of that affection because all he wants it’s to see me satisfied, but as my submissive, I want to take care of him as well when he needs it, do you have any tips to work on it? Should I tell him directly or give him extra hugs whenever I feel like (which I do, but that’s not the point). Thanks in advance!


Hello breus,

I’m so glad that you have been getting something out of my blog *smile*.

And congratulations to both you and your submissive on your loving relationship.

I think it can be common for submissive not to want to say when they want or need something because they are all about pleasing their dominant. It can become a real problem because that’s fine when things are going really well, but when things get rocky, that can be a barrier to communication, so if you can get it happening when things are going great, it will stand you both in good stead.

My first suggestion is to be clear with him that you want to know what he wants, how he feels, all that. Make sure he knows that it’s something you require of him, that it makes you happy to know these things. That might not be enough, though, because it’s hard to do that and it might take some serious encouragement.

So if that goes nowhere, you can set up a time every week to sit down and have a talk. In it you can ask him about his emotional state, if he’s getting enough hugs/affection/whatever. To push a little, you can insist that he ask you for one thing right now (a hug, a kiss, a pet, something), just so he gets used to the feeling of asking, and sees how happy you are to hear it and to give him that.

If he has trouble with that face to face, he can write things down for you instead. You can make it a daily thing, or a weekly thing, or whatever suits. Then you can read it and see what his emotional state is and act accordingly.

Good luck to you both. I wish you continued happiness together.



Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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  1. re ass guy- what women has he been talking to? what is the culture around him that he’s unfamiliar with women liking men’s rears? Because I don’t see women being particularly shy about that. I’m definitely an ass woman, it’s not that complicated of an explanation.

    I read a post on a blog written by a gay male bottom, and he was asked “why do you like asses so much if you’re a bottom?” His answer was…hilariously sarcastic but I remember thinking “well, why do women like men’s asses? Because they do.”

    1. Thank you so much for your perspective. I completely agree with you.

      I don’t know who he’s been talking to either, though I do wonder if he has been approaching the topic insensitively. If so, the knee jerk reaction from women might be to back away and go ‘aw hell no’ because they are weirded out and don’t want to encourage the conversation.

      I have NO idea if he does that of course, but the principle stands for ANYONE who has a sexual fetish: it’s easy to come across as creepy if you focus your interactions with people to discussions about that fetish and nothing else.


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