I’ve mentioned before that I send out emails to submissive men who look interesting to me. Well, I say ‘submissive men’, but on OKCupid, I also sent emails to interesting-looking vanilla men (holy fuck beautiful eyes was one of those). I know I’m not the only (dominant) woman who does that.
And I know that a lot of submissive men would have this idea that the result of me doing that is a foregone conclusion. The man replies, is beside himself with shock and joy, puts his best foot forward, and we hold hands and merrily skip away.
That’s not how it works.
I don’t send a form letter, I don’t send anything rude or demanding. My first email depends a lot on what’s in their profile, though I guess it’s still somewhat formulaic. If I liked their profile (and I did or I wouldn’t bother), I will send a compliment and will riff off something they said to start a conversation.
I get a fair number of ‘no replies’. I’m not bothered by that, they don’t owe me a reply, but I’m sure there are many people who are really surprised by that. Because they buy into the notion that submissive men are a dime a dozen and all are eager and excited at the amazing opportunity my contact represents. Nope.
I sent out two emails on CollarSpace in the last week or so. One of the men was local, the other was in-country, but not close to me. The first didn’t reply. The second replied in such a lacklustre way that I quickly lost interest after a couple of exchanges and called it done.
The first: eh. The second, though, got me thinking. If someone expresses interest, you still have to bring your A-game. I’m not sure if this guy just wasn’t interested, if he didn’t HAVE an A-game, or if he truly thought he was bringing it, but he failed spectacularly at engaging my interest from the first. His reply to my first email was two sentences in reply to a question I asked. I tried to carry that conversation a bit further, and the next response was again a sentence or two answering another question I had asked. That was it. It was like pulling teeth. And I was done.
If he just wasn’t interested, his behaviour was perfect for putting me off without saying it out loud. If he was AT ALL interested in chatting further to see if there was any compatibility there, he made it very difficult for himself.
So yeah, if you think that women don’t send out first contact emails, you’d be wrong. And if you think that they have a much higher chance of success than the reverse, you’d be wrong about that also.
As a side note, I have a terrible memory, so I do get worried sometimes that I’m emailing someone who I’ve tried to talk to before. And that’s just embarrassing…