Reader Q&A: All over the place

I do love getting interesting questions, so thank you to those who sent them in via my Ask Me page. If I was organised, I’d do the Q&A on some kind of monthly schedule, but I’m totally not, so randomness it is!


Hello Gorgeous,

People seem to think that because a woman is Dominant she must act in specific ways all the time. As intelligent people we both know that is not how it works in reality though. There are times, I am sure, where you do not feel Dominant such as when you are tired or drained. So I am curious how do you still maintain the balance in your relationship when you do not feel Dominant in your relationship?


*smile* Hello Mysticlez,

“how do you still maintain the balance in your relationship when you do not feel Dominant in your relationship?”

I assume when you say ‘maintain the balance’ you mean the D/s dynamic.

Well, you kind of answered your question in your first couple of sentences.

But here’s the secret… shhhh… no telling…

I don’t.

D/s is my relationship style, not an ‘activity’. The understanding of how our relationship works is there for both of us whether I am ‘feeling dominant’ or not. All it really means means is that I get what I want (caveat caveat negotiations boundaries limits etc).

So when I am tired or drained, I *still* get what I want, so I guess you could call that ‘maintaining the balance’.

“I’m exhausted, please leave me alone for a while/get me a drink/rub my feet/pat me/whatever…”

In fact when I’m exhausted, he has the perfect opportunity to step up his service if it seems like I might want some of that.

Exercising my dominance in different ways (and ditto for his submission) is how we keep the relationship and the dynamic humming, so I do understand the question you are asking in a broader sense. If I’ve stopped participating in the D/s dynamic in the ways we normally do altogether, and it’s ongoing, and there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it nor any end to it, then that’s something different and we’d need to have a talk and figure out what’s going on.


Hi Ferns,

I saw a post on Tumblr the other day about trying to know the difference between being submissive and masochistic because you enjoy it and want to explore yourself, or those things but actually you just want someone to beat the crap out of you because you feel awful and really it’s just self harm by proxy – and basically I’m pretty sure that for me it’s the second and I really, really don’t know what to do about that.


Hello Jacobi,

I’m so sorry that you are feeling awful, and you are right to be concerned by the idea of ‘self harm by proxy’, and it’s really good that you have the self awareness to recognise it.

I think you need to step back from any play while you sort this out because if it comes from somewhere unhealthy, I doubt it’s going to end well for you or your partners.

I suggest you seek out a kink friendly therapist in your area to help you figure out what’s going on (do a search for “kink friendly therapist” or “kink aware therapist”). I looked around for some support groups, but couldn’t find any, so I’m really not any help there.

I hope you work it out *warm hug*.



I adore all dommes, I love how powerful women you are ! ..can I ask you what is the best femdom sims ?

Thank you for your generic adoration and love.

By ‘sim’, I assume you mean an area in a program like IMVU or Second Life? I have only ever used Second Life, but haven’t been there in ages. Velvet Thorn is the femdom sim I used to frequent there.

But surely an in-world search would find these for you?


My gf enjoys my humiliation and has put me on a program where my orgasm is always matched to a humiliating story or circumstance so that eventually humiliation will turn me on. It is sort of working. She says I’m a natural Beta boy and need to show respect around Alpha males. I understand that, but I don’t know how to behave. What do they want with me when they have her?

I do not understand this scenario or this question.

I was going to assume some stuff and answer the question with a whole bunch of assumptions behind it, but here’s the wisdom of the ages for you:

Talk to your partner and ask her.

I know. It’s a revelation!

You’re welcome!


I’m an intelligent man interesting in talking about and perhaps exploring your world, would you be interested in messaging?

I’m on skype, nicXXXXX [redacted] if you’d like to chat. Thank you :)

Hello nic,

No thanks, though I guess you figured that out already from my continued absence.

I’m stingy with skype because real time interactions take a lot more time and attention than asynchronous communications like email, so I use it rarely.


I am a submissive man, first time connecting, and reading your chronicles, I am already on my knees, begging you to accept me as your submissive slave.
No resistance, just obedience under my goddess boots

Thank you stranger, though you realise this is a really dumb way to contact me on so many levels it’s not even funny.

Let’s pretend that I think this is the best idea EVER (I don’t, by the way, just to be perfectly clear): how am I supposed to contact my new submissiveslave so I can get some obediencing out of him?

Missed it by *that much*.

You have not thought this whole scenario through. I mean really, what’s a goddess gotta do to get a decent submissiveslave?


Thank you for your time, I am a 41 year old submissive who has went to greal lengths to meet and serve my life time Domme, but have failed,please allow me to ask, how.and where in Ontario, Canada do I meet a true hearted Domme?, one who believes solely in everything in your heading,”beatings, sex, power, love, vulnerability and pain, who believes that there are some men who sole heartedly believe that woman are the more Dominate race, and should be treated and served as such, I wish to be trained in all aspects, including disipline, as I believe we men all make mistakes and should be reminded harshly just who is the queen, I hope I have not bored you or wasted your time, thank you.

You have not bored me or wasted my time, but wow, you have a lot of mixed up stuff in there.


  1. There are no ‘true hearted Dommes’. There are Dommes who are compatible with you, and those who aren’t. I suggest you look for the former (see my next points).
  2. Re compatibility, you should realise that not all dominant women believe that ‘woman are the more Dominate race’. Also, it’s ‘dominant’, not dominate, and women are not a race.
  3. Re compatibility, not all dominant women are interested in training or discipline.
  4. Re compatibility, not all dominant women are interested in reminding anyone harshly of anything, much less that they are queens.

How do you find one? First, forget the ‘true hearted Domme’ thing.

Write up a description of the relationship you are looking for so that you have some clarity.

Then write an ad, here’s some help for you.  

Put the ad up on

Join and find some local groups where you can post the personal ad and/or find local munches that you can attend to meet people.

Do not send money (‘tributes’) to women you don’t know. They are scammers.

Good luck.


Hey Ferns,

Just out of curiosity, what would like for Christmas? :-)

*laugh* Well that depends. Are we talking ‘in the whole world if money was no object?’ Or are we talking ‘you know me and are sussing me out all sneaky-like?’ They are two very different things!!

I am rubbish at this, though I will always accept fabulous new shoes (size 10!). Oh, and a new laptop, Simon is getting to be a tad unreliable!


how do I ask out a professional domme? I am not one of her subs, in fact I haven’t even talked to her yet because I want to ask her like I would normally. Does that work or is there something special I need to know?

Professional Dommes are women too, so do all the things you would normally do if you were asking someone out including (if you can find this out from her public information) whether she is actually looking for a relationship. I assume she has a profile somewhere, writings etc. Pay attention, learn what you can about her, and don’t make the mistake of thinking that her professional advertising represents ‘who she is’ as a person.

Re that last: If you have decided you like her because of her public advertising/profiles for her services, then just be aware that it’s marketing. Some professional Dommes are not dominant in their personal lives, or heterosexual, or at all like their professional marketing material. So don’t assume that’s ‘who she is’.

Best of luck.


Good Morning. I’m seeking a serous Domme to be an asset to her. Can you please tell me how/where to find a person whom wants ( not needs) a slave male ?

How handy, I just answered this above! Go look!!


Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

Loves: 2
Please wait…

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  1. Some very interesting and funny questions. Of course I am partial to the intelligent woman who submitted the first question for some reason. *smiles*


  2. Jacobi,

    I have self harmed in the past. I have friends who self harm that I have offered to be ‘proxy’ for, because if the choice is them taking a knife to themselves or me beating their ass, I will happily beat their ass.

    I completely agree with Ferns advice here, but if finding a kink friendly therapist is not an option, and you truly need the catharsis of self harm, here are a few thoughts:

    Self harm often starts as either an attempt to cope with shit or an attempt to punish yourself. Figuring out why you are driven to self harm can help you figure out your next steps.

    If you are faced with the choice of get beat or grab a knife, please, by all means, get beat. But get beat by someone who is familiar with self harm, and mental illness, and most especially who has their own shit together enough to not cause you more harm.

    Explore other outlets. Whatever self harm gives you, you can likely find elsewhere. You can ask Ferns and her work out crew how punishing exercise can be. You can go some where private and scream ’til you are hoarse. You can talk to a friend, meditate, write a book (oy, is THAT masochism!). Self harm is usually some form of coping mechanism, but there are lots of healthier ones you can try.

    There may not be any support groups for self harm by proxy masochism, but there are plenty for plain old self harm. See if you can find one you would feel comfortable in.

    I hope you don’t mind my adding this. I will understand if you choose to delete it.

    1. I don’t mind at all. I’m no expert, and all perspectives are welcome so that Jacobi can have a think about different points of view.

      I appreciate your thoughts and experience, thank you for it.


  3. you know, I totally admire your patience. That is just absolutely incredible. I couldn’t do it. not without being _extremely_ snarky…

    1. Ha! Thanks.

      I mostly picture the ones that might otherwise inspire snark as being scared and nervous and clueless, and imagine that they *finally* found the courage to reach out and hit ‘send’.

      This may not be true, of course, but if just ONE of them is that person, and I reply kindly, I figure I’ve achieved something.

      You know, like a kinky Mother Teresa in heels… heh.


  4. I mostly picture the ones that might otherwise inspire snark as being scared and nervous and clueless, and imagine that they *finally* found the courage to reach out and hit ‘send’.

    HEY! That sounds like the way I was… Well, maybe not the snark inspiring part, but the rest of it… yeah. See?… You were nice to me and now look what happened. I’ve been following you about ever since, and you didn’t even have to leave a trail of cookies!

    1. *laugh* Definitely not at all snark-inspiring!!

      And I’d go the other way. See?! When you are nice to random strangers, you can make some awesome friends!


  5. While indulging in my usual sniggering at some of these I do find myself needing to ask…, You named your lap top ? You really are disturbing geeky :D


    Mine usually gets called bloody thing

    1. *laugh* I DID name my laptop *pats Simon kindly*.

      I try not to swear too much at him. He gets upset, and that’s never a good thing!

      I also named my car: Royal Highness.

      Everyday appliances, not so much. Though I really should name my coffee machine to celebrate my unnatural love for it… Maybe ‘Calvin’.


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