Dumb Domme wrote a really great personal post about sometimes wanting some extra attention from her submissive and struggling with how to get it (especially as he is somewhat long distance). I don’t want to paraphrase her thoughts about it. Go read it.
I responded in the comments with this:
I want attention, but MORE than that, I want him to be all over that shit. As soon as I have to *ask* for it, I have spoilt at least 50% of the goodness in it. He should be bouncing around me all puppy-like just aching to give me attention that I can tap into with something as simple as a ‘hey, you’. I expect to have *all the sweet and lovely attentions*!!!!
Like Dumb Domme, I don’t need a lot of attention, for me it’s more that I need to know it’s ‘on tap’ when I want it. That was my point with the puppy-like thing, and the ‘Hey, you’ should be enough to tap it.
It works like this:
Me: Hey, you
Him: YOU YOU YOU!!! I missed you, how are you, are you good, come talk to me, you are so lovely, yayayayayayyyy… so excited!!! *showers me with attention and sweetness*
*laugh* Okay, I am exaggerating, but you get the idea there.
Having to actually ‘ask for it’ looks more like this:
Me: Hey, you
Me: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Pay attention to meeeeeee!!!
If I have to ask for it versus ‘tapping into it’, it doesn’t feel the same. Having said that, he’s obviously not a mind reader, so it’s inevitable that I will sometimes have to make my need for extra attention known.
I know that it’s unfair to say “if I have to ask it’s not as good” because one of the big advantages of a D/s relationship is that I get to ask for what I want: he can feel secure in the fact that if I want something I WILL ask, and he will be delighted to give it to me. Cue happiness. That whole ‘you should just do that thing, and know when to do it, and if you don’t, well you suck!’ is a terrible throwback to passive aggressive vanilla behaviour.
Regardless, I think there is often a difference between what you *know* and how you *feel*, and while you can sometimes work to bring them together, that gap is really not so unusual. I *know* I shouldn’t think that way with the ‘if I have to ask, it’s not worth as much’, but I can still *feel* it. I mean, if I am *not* getting all of the attention I want, ‘why doesn’t he know me well enough to know that right now I need ALL THE ATTENTION!!?!’ *hurt face*.
I have learnt to ‘fool my emo-brain’ by framing some things that could be considered ‘neediness’ as acts of dominance. This makes getting things from him that address my vulnerabilities in some way less fraught for me. By this I mean that I am better at *demanding* attention (“Give me some attention, NOW!”), than asking for it (“Can you please come and pay some attention to me?”). They are the same thing, but the latter makes me feel kind of whiny and needy, which makes me feel vulnerable, and not in a good way.
My go-to is “PAT ME!!!”. It’s a demand I make when I want sweetness, and depending on the situation, the ‘patting’ can take many different forms (from me laying my head in his lap and having him literally pat me, to him figuratively patting me with words if we are apart). It’s totally a ‘be sweet to me, I’m down/lonely/feeling distant/want you closer/something’ kind of demand that I am 100% comfortable using, and he becomes used to hearing it as ‘come and be sweet to me’, which is exactly right.
A question: Do you struggle with asking for extra attention when you want it? Why? How do you deal with it?