Discovering things about people whose partner-potential you are sussing out should be fun.
If it’s not fun, interesting, challenging, fascinating, exciting, why do it?
Simple, right? And obvious!
Still, I think there are lots of reasons people keep banging away at it *even if it’s no fun*.
I’ve been guilty of that myself at times. Sometimes in my interactions with submissive men where we are feeling each other out, I will convince myself to do a bunch of work instead of just admitting that it’s not clicking for me.
- Because I genuinely like him. He’s really nice and sincere, and full of goodness, so I slog away with continuing communication even though I find it hard work.
- Because he ticks a lot of ‘things that I am looking for’ boxes. I find that rarely. I’m reluctant to give up on it.
- Because I think there is ‘something’ there and I’m stubbornly willing it to get better. I think “If I just try *this* or say *that*, I’ll get to it…”
- Because there *is* a spark and I really really really want to light it up.
In short, instead of just saying ‘Nup, not happening’, I do a bunch of work to try and make it fit, to manufacture something that I am reluctant to admit isn’t really there.
When I was looking for a house, I gave my real estate agent a pretty detailed list of features I wanted. Each time she showed me a house that didn’t meet my criteria, wasn’t what I wanted, it was easy to just say ‘nup’. Done. One day she rang, so excited, because she’d found me a house that ticked all the boxes.
I went and had a look, and she was right. It DID tick all the boxes.
She looked at me expectantly after showing me around. I felt really guilty.
“I don’t like it,” I said.
She looked at me as if I had just spat in her face. “But… it’s everything you asked for!!”
“Yeah, I know. But it doesn’t *feel* right…”
I was right. It didn’t. It felt cold and depressing and I couldn’t imagine coming home to it every day. But I still felt conflicted over it – I mean… it was everything I wanted!!
Sometime later, I bought a gorgeous sunny house that was too small and too old, and I loved and adored that house.
This is why my ‘what I’m looking for in a submissive’ description is so vague. It’s not about ‘a list of characteristics’, it’s about that feeling I get when I’m truly excited about him. It’s about the zing-zing.
I do love feeling that curiosity and connection with someone else, that communication where you want to lean forward to listen more closely and you are watching their eyes, mouth, eyes, mouth and you nod a lot and you watch their mouth, where the online equivalent is reading and re-reading someone’s thoughts, and feeling something… an understanding, an intimacy, a knowing. It’s rare.
– Me to my (ex)boy, about 3 weeks in