Discovering things about people whose partner-potential you are sussing out should be fun.
If it’s not fun, interesting, challenging, fascinating, exciting, why do it?
Simple, right? And obvious!
Still, I think there are lots of reasons people keep banging away at it *even if it’s no fun*.
I’ve been guilty of that myself at times. Sometimes in my interactions with submissive men where we are feeling each other out, I will convince myself to do a bunch of work instead of just admitting that it’s not clicking for me.
- Because I genuinely like him. He’s really nice and sincere, and full of goodness, so I slog away with continuing communication even though I find it hard work.
- Because he ticks a lot of ‘things that I am looking for’ boxes. I find that rarely. I’m reluctant to give up on it.
- Because I think there is ‘something’ there and I’m stubbornly willing it to get better. I think “If I just try *this* or say *that*, I’ll get to it…”
- Because there *is* a spark and I really really really want to light it up.
In short, instead of just saying ‘Nup, not happening’, I do a bunch of work to try and make it fit, to manufacture something that I am reluctant to admit isn’t really there.
When I was looking for a house, I gave my real estate agent a pretty detailed list of features I wanted. Each time she showed me a house that didn’t meet my criteria, wasn’t what I wanted, it was easy to just say ‘nup’. Done. One day she rang, so excited, because she’d found me a house that ticked all the boxes.
I went and had a look, and she was right. It DID tick all the boxes.
She looked at me expectantly after showing me around. I felt really guilty.
“I don’t like it,” I said.
She looked at me as if I had just spat in her face. “But… it’s everything you asked for!!”
“Yeah, I know. But it doesn’t *feel* right…”
I was right. It didn’t. It felt cold and depressing and I couldn’t imagine coming home to it every day. But I still felt conflicted over it – I mean… it was everything I wanted!!
Sometime later, I bought a gorgeous sunny house that was too small and too old, and I loved and adored that house.
This is why my ‘what I’m looking for in a submissive’ description is so vague. It’s not about ‘a list of characteristics’, it’s about that feeling I get when I’m truly excited about him. It’s about the zing-zing.
I do love feeling that curiosity and connection with someone else, that communication where you want to lean forward to listen more closely and you are watching their eyes, mouth, eyes, mouth and you nod a lot and you watch their mouth, where the online equivalent is reading and re-reading someone’s thoughts, and feeling something… an understanding, an intimacy, a knowing. It’s rare.
– Me to my (ex)boy, about 3 weeks in
“Still, I think there are lots of reasons people keep banging away at it *even if it’s no fun*.”
There is another reason as well. (Well, at least for me there was) It was a matter of obligation. After getting to know her a bit, I discovered that we were just not going to work, but she had taken such a liking to me that I felt guilty about ending it. (perhaps kind of like you did with the real estate lady?)
We eventually ended it when she met someone else, and my next relationship was with someone with whom I had a lot better connection.
I can appreciate that you have a only vague description of what you’re looking for in a submissive. You may not verbalize it, but you’ll know it when you see it.
I can understand the obligation/guilt thing, and I think the “I don’t want to hurt them’ thing runs a close second. In truth though, as hard as it is, I think that’s much more hurtful to let it ride than it is to just rip the band-aid off because they get MORE invested as time goes on, and you are essentially creating a bigger problem.
Still, I know that’s easier said than done for many.
As for me, I will no doubt have more false starts, but I’ll still be jumping in with both feet when I think I see it.
You will find that feeling again I am sure. It is frustrating I know. I understand banging away at it trying to make it work.I have done that many times and probably still do it a lot.
I’m not frustrated right now, just musing over mistakes and ways of thinking.
“This is why my ‘what I’m looking for in a submissive’ description is so vague. It’s not about ‘a list of characteristics’, it’s about that feeling I get when I’m truly excited about him. It’s about the zing-zing.”
It’s why I’m glad I’ve not had to go through searching for a kinky partner. Trying to define on paper what works and doesn’t work just never does it justice.
I so agree, and it’s a reason why I didn’t want to put up a personal ad. I just wanted to chat to random submissive men who seemed interesting and who thought I seemed interesting, and see who lit me up like a sparkler (and vice versa). It always worked like that in the past.
Except it wasn’t working! I wasn’t talking to *anybody* *pout*.
But yeah, you can’t put ‘what makes up chemistry’ in some kind of list. It doesn’t work like that.