Personal advert

I have never actively sought a partner and I have never advertised for one when I have been single. Why? Because it makes me feel uncomfortable: Like I’m a used car to be looked over and assessed for road worthiness, to have my tyres kicked, to have strangers look under the hood and take me for a test drive, and frankly, that makes me feel icky.

It feels to me as if running an ad and vetting responses makes the *most* common denominator the fact that we are both looking for someone. That squicks me. I tend to think that … Continue Reading

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Meeting schmeeting

As an experiment in doing things differently and meeting a man without establishing that we had any compatibility first, my recent date really turned out much as expected.

I didn’t feel any real connection in our communications leading up to the lunch, and I didn’t feel any when we met.

I know that for some, surprise face-to-face chemistry can spark a forest fire despite not having very much going on before meeting, but this confirms that it’s really unlikely that that’s going to work for me. I know it’s a completely insignificant sample, but given how much I hate meeting … Continue Reading

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Dominance and vulnerability: A case study

After writing my previous post about vulnerability, I thought I’d follow up with an example of how it feels to me.

My boy and I had not been together all that long, I was at his place. It was about 10.30pm. It was winter, a foot or more of snow on the ground outside. I went to the toilet and used the last of the toilet paper on the roll. I looked around for more to put in holder, but didn’t want to go scrabbling around in his cupboards.

This is what happened next.

“Hey,” I said, and … Continue Reading

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Dominance and vulnerability

Dominance makes me vulnerable for lots of reasons. I have talked about vulnerability previously, but I don’t think I have tackled it as it relates to my dominance before, probably because it’s so complex.

Dominance makes me feel vulnerable because I expose myself in it: I give of myself, I share secrets, I let him in to see who I really am, I offer him my control, I trust him to revel in it, I open my inner self up to judgement and rejection. It’s no different a vulnerability than anyone feels when they shed their outer shell and let … Continue Reading

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Sex noises

I don’t pay attention to the sounds I make when I am on the receiving end of pleasure. If I am paying attention to the noise I make, my focus is in the wrong place.

Mostly, I am inarticulately vocal. By that I mean that I don’t talk much, but I make sounds of pleasure… moans, groans, breathy sighs, maybe whimpers. They mostly mean some version of ‘more of that’ or ‘yes, there’ or ‘please, that’ or ‘soo good!’.

If I need to direct him, I prefer touch over voice. I will move his head to get his mouth where … Continue Reading

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Body project update number something or other

I’m pretty much back into a steady gym-going routine after struggling for a while. At the moment, that means three times to the gym and twice to Pilates each week. Motivation-wise I am doing okay, so I’m happy about that. I still want to get bigger and more defined, though I am pretty sure that that will require a level of Herculean effort that I am not willing to put in.

I’m still eating pretty clean, though the cold weather makes me crave hot, gluggy comfort food. I’ve cooked a few protein-rich dishes (chorizo and chickpea soup, chicken and two … Continue Reading

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Oh, there I am

Earlier this year, I talked about how I worry sometimes that I’ve lost the hunger that drives my dominance. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it only comes alive when I have someone I want to aim it at.

When I haven’t felt it for a while, it becomes like some distant thing. Vaguely remembered, but shadowy, intangible.

Even though it didn’t work out with bambi, I am beyond delighted and grateful that he was a perfect target for the hunger. It was especially strong in the beginning before the emotional complexity complicated things and muted it. I got … Continue Reading

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