I will probably write more about bambi in the days to come, but in the meantime, this is really just a catch-up post.
Bambi left on Wednesday. It’s now Saturday.
I’m doing okay.
I expected to fall into a big messy pit of badness, but so far, I’m fine.
It feels wrong to say “I’m fine”, as if it’s a mean or disrespectful thing to say somehow. As if it is an insult to bambi. It’s not.
What I expected was to have a flurry of released emotions after he left, for all of them to just come tumbling out and I would be forced to pick through them and try and shove them back in the drawer to manage them. I could feel the sadness bubbling under the surface while he was here, and I almost wonder if I worked so hard to keep it at bay that I buried it too deeply for it to come out now.
Or it could be that I am in ‘introvert-recovery-mode’ right now. Bambi was here for a month, and for a serious introvert like me, that was a *lot* of social energy I had to bring for a sustained period. If we had ‘worked’ as a couple, that energy would not have been draining, but since we didn’t, it was something I had to generate, and that’s a lot of emotional work. So maybe I am just too emotionally tired to feel much of anything right now.
I am not deliberately examining what happened just yet. Maybe when I hold all that up to the light, those sad emotions might come to the fore. But right now, they are quiet. I’m not sorry. I am happy to let them lie for the moment.
As for my post-bambi self care: I’ve been allowing myself junk food, I’ve not been going to the gym, I’m pottering about the apartment doing domestics (yesterday I cooked!), I’m putting away toys, doing washing. I’m not doing anything I don’t feel like doing. I am being gentle with myself.
On a more amusing note, I used cotton ropes with figure-of-eight knots to restrain bambi. I took them off the bed today to put them away. The physical stress he put those knots under while violently struggling against them means they are NEVER coming undone. Not ever *laugh*. Fun.