I want to write glorious things. I want to write about snippets of play with bambi, I want to write about how I am feeling, I want to write about what happened, I want to write about what’s next, I want to write about a lot of things.
Truth is, I am scattered. My head is all over the place.
It’s not necessarily bad.
It’s just… confusing in there.
Sometimes my head swims with random thoughts and they all fly around and one of them gets my focus for a moment and then I let it go because I realise that one isn’t important, so I loosen my grip and grab the next one and it’s the same. In the meantime the heavy thought sits in the background, waiting. It’s like my psyche is hiding the important emotions because it knows I am not quite ready to tackle them just yet.
Bambi has been out of contact and I pinged him yesterday to check in. Not just to see if he was doing okay, to check that what we experienced hadn’t left a negative taste in his mouth, but also to get some reassurance for myself. I could feel a niggling darkness touching at the edges of my mind and I wanted to shut it down. He is doing fine, he is busy, catching up with friends, socialising, allaying the loneliness he felt when he was here. He is excited about future relationship possibilities, about glimpses of ‘what-could-be’ that he felt with me. That makes me happy, and relieved, and a little sad.
As for me, I am trying to settle back into simple routines. Routines are important to me, perhaps too much so. They make me feel in control, they create a metronomic rhythm that feels like comfort. Touchstones that quiet me, put me at ease, give me predictable distractions so that my mind quiets.
So today: Coffee, scrambled eggs, gym, healthy food, writing, music, random internets. Maybe a body surf if the weather holds.