I talked in my Masocast interview with the lovely UnspeakableAxe about compromising away happiness, and I’ve had a few private conversations about it since then, so I thought it was worth expanding on.
A lot of people seem to start relationships with “Oh, that’s okay, it’s not that important to me” and end up with “What the holy fuck happened here?”
There is always compromise in relationships, but there is a world of difference between small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise.
Small ‘c’ compromise is about each side making concessions so that you can both be happy: talking about what is important to each of you, and seeing how you can work together to make it fit. Maybe she likes to use the term ‘boy’, but it has negative connotations for him, so she agrees to use ‘pet’ instead. She still gets to use a sweet name, he doesn’t have to deal with one that makes him feel bad. Easy. You each give a little, with the result being that you are both happy.
Big ‘C’ Compromise is about giving away things that are fundamental to your happiness. It shouldn’t even really be called ‘compromise’ because it’s really not**, but I’m going to use the term anyway because the line between compromise and Compromise is blurry. An example of capital C Compromise might be when she is poly and he is monogamous and she decides to be monogamous for him.
I know that’s an extreme example, I mean who doesn’t discuss that stuff up-front and decide you aren’t compatible??!!
In actual fact, what is MUCH more likely to happen is that there are big items that they never fully discuss, or there are hidden things that haven’t come to light yet, but then they get emotionally invested in the relationship and by the time it becomes a practical issue, one person is willing to Compromise. Or alternatively, there are a series of smaller compromises, one after the other, and one person does all the compromising, until suddenly they find that they have Compromised away the things that made them happy.
Insidiously, often Compromise is not properly discussed. Sometimes it’s one partner simply saying that they don’t like a thing, and the other partner waving the white flag without even really talking about it. “That’s okay, sweetie, I didn’t realise you don’t like oral, I don’t need it really, even though that’s the only way I can come…”
This kind of compromising away of happiness is not unique to D/s relationships, nor is it unique to either side of the slash.
But surprisingly, you know who I talk to about this the most? New female dominants.
Because they are told over and over to consider their submissive’s wants and needs, to not be ‘that bad uncaring dominant’. Couple that with a few decades of social conditioning to be nice and undemanding, and you have women who try to be ‘good dominants’/’good people’/’good girlfriends’ by compromising on *everything*.
“Oh, you don’t want to get my coffee in the morning? Okay then, it’s fine.”
“Really? You don’t really like pain play? Oh. Okay, it’s not that important…”
“You don’t feel like giving me a massage right now? Oh, not ever? Um. Alright then, I mean, if it makes you unhappy…”
“You want me to pee on you? Well, I really don’t find that at all hot or fun… um… well, okay then…”
“You want to bring in other partners? Um… well if that’s what you really want…”
There is a point at which compromising is no longer a good option, and that point is *when it makes you unhappy*. Where that point lies is different for everyone, but the intent of this post is to shout this:
Do not compromise away your happiness!!
Unsurprisingly, if you compromise away your happiness, you will not be happy. Seems a simple concept, I know, but somehow we are taught that all compromise is good and healthy. It’s not.
What I see most is that compromise happens progressively, and as the investment in the relationship grows, the willingness to Compromise grows also, and at some point, insidiously and without conscious intent, keeping the relationship can become *more important than being happy*. For some people ‘being in the relationship’ trumps everything.
At the end of it, someone can find themselves in a relationship with the person that they love, and it looks *nothing* like they wanted, and they are terribly unhappy. And THEN they look at their unhappy relationship and wonder, “What the fuck happened here?”
From a F/m perspective, this can often lead to a situation where a Domme realises that her submissive is *only* ever doing exactly what he wants because she has stopped insisting on anything that he simply didn’t feel like doing. Even if it’s something that is really important to her. It’s possible to pretty much compromise away your dominance, and with it, your happiness.
How do you know where that line is anyway?
Well, it’s different for everyone, of course, and it’s often not easy to see where it is until you are *well* over it.
I’ve found that a really telling phrase is, “… but I *love* them…” I think if you are saying that to yourself, you are fucked because people only say that when they are rationalising unacceptable things with the ‘but I love them’ defence. If you’re in a relationship, and you find yourself saying that, consider if you are trying to talk yourself into some kind of unhappiness.
We all have different levels of willingness or ability to compromise while still being happy. Mine is low. Whenever I have tried to compromise too much, it made me unhappy. I know this about myself. I won’t do it. I think this is another of the myriad of reasons I like submissive men, because often compromising scratches their submissive itch. But make no mistake, if you are a submissive man, and you are compromising away your happiness, read this post again and have a think about where that line is for you and if you have crossed it.
** I know it’s not really compromise when only one person is making concessions, but I’m still calling it that because I think in a lot of people’s minds, they *still* see it as ‘compromising for the relationship’ vs true compromise which is about *both* sides making concessions.
You make really good points, Ferns. This is something I worry about a little bit. I certainly don’t want to compromise away my happiness, but I also don’t want to put a partner in a position where she’s tempted to compromise away her happiness, either. Obviously, the best solution is to find someone whose happiness comes from the same (or more likely complimentary — if you like receiving service and they like providing it, and you both have the same definition for service, for example) things as yours, but that’s easier said than done.
I agree, compatibility is huge here. The better the compatibility, the less likely there will need to be a big C compromise.
BUT, I actually think some people even START with big C compromise in the beginning (because they really like the person, and figure it will be okay… no really, it will!).
We all have different levels of willingness or ability to compromise while still being happy.
As you said we often commit in a relationship with many C-compromises but we’re all too often unaware of doing so. And since the new generations are not minded to delay their gratification for too long then brake-up are likely to happen. But even in long term relationships/marriages that coped with those Compromises successfully or where couples didn’t have to compromise much because of shared ideas/characters, as life goes on we change. And if we want to last as a couple/family we have to C-compromise a lot more than desired.
So I do agree with what you said but I would add something for the ones who are engaged and committed: we have to learn to find happiness in our Compromises. And this is why a dedicated Dominant will develop his submissive side to Compromise to his/her loving partner in life.
I think this is an interesting point:
“we have to learn to find happiness in our Compromises.”
But I think that if you can find happiness in it, then you aren’t compromising *away* your happiness.
Still, some people have a very high tolerance for small c and big C compromise while still being happy. Or perhaps, they will compromise *some* of their happiness, and be okay with it (an ‘I can live with that’ kind of deal).
But when you *really* compromise away your happiness, you become unhappy. That’s logic, that is!
I have done some of this stuff. I think lots of subs do that when they start. Sometimes they’re unsure of wether something exist in the d/s scope of the relationship. Sometimes I didn’t feel sexy because of lack of sleep or some little thing and I didn’t feel like doing the things my domme wanted. That ultimately hurt things for us and had to accept that I can’t micromanage when d/s turns on and off. It’s a part of becoming more mature as a partner.
But I did do that stuff not too long ago, and it put my F/m relationship into neutral until we talked it out. The relationship, at least the kink part of it, ended eventually, but it was an important lesion learned. I think I learned it at least.
“I think lots of subs do that when they start.”
Ah… you mean say “I don’t like this, I don’t want that…”
On the one hand, you have every right to express yourself in those things. It is up to the other party to give in to them or not. But yes, if it’s causing relationship issues, then reassessing was a good idea.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. And lessons learnt are never a bad thing.
I really loved this post! When I heard you say this on the podcast, I couldn’t wait to see what you’d write.
I think there are a multitude of reasons people compromise a relationship until it’s dead, and it’s probably going to vary for everyone. While some compromise is a natural part of any relationship, two major factors may be that a lot of people either enter or fall into a relationship without knowing what they want, and added to that, if they know what they want, not treating as important to them when it is.
Having a D/s dynamic just adds a layer of complication to that basic setup and makes it that much harder to deconstruct afterwards to see where and when things went bad.
“… two major factors may be that a lot of people either enter or fall into a relationship without knowing what they want, and added to that, if they know what they want, not treating as important to them when it is.”
*nod* Yes. I think a third (or maybe it’s 2a) is not realising that their happiness is being eroded (death by a thousand paper cuts) until they wake up one morning and it kind of hits them that they are terribly unhappy.
Another is that they lose sight of what’s important to their happiness as their focus shifts from ‘being happy with you’ to ‘you’.
Having a D/s dynamic just adds a layer of complication to that basic setup and makes it that much harder to deconstruct afterwards to see where and when things went bad.
This is spot-on. It’s hard enough in a vanilla relationship, but the D/s dynamic can *hide* or obfuscate these compromises.
For a dominant, I think it’s “I’m being a good dom and looking after my submissive’s happiness…”
For a submissive, it’s “I *should* be giving up stuff for my dom.”
And the thing is that compromise is a good thing. It is. But drawing that line in the sand that delineates ‘good compromise’ from ‘compromising away happiness’ can be really hard.
Congratulations Ferns for your great Masocast interview and for this post too.
Here I see happy small ‘c’ compromise can lead to unhappy capital ‘C’ Compromise. Of course there is something else. Small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise can lead to small ‘j’ joy and to capital ‘J’ Joy.
You might, just for example, try smoking for the first time and hate it. But after some more smoking that might change from a small ‘c’ compromise or from a capital ‘C’ Compromise (because you hate it) to a small ‘j’ joy or to a capital ‘J’ Joy (because you love it). Or you might, for example, try vodka for the first time and hate it. But after some more vodka that might change from a small ‘c’ compromise or from a capital ‘C’ Compromise (because you hate it) to a small ‘j’ joy or to a capital ‘J’ Joy (because you love it). Or you might, for example, try smacking someone’s arse with rolled up news paper for the first time and hate it. But after some more smacking that might change from a small ‘c’ compromise or from a capital ‘C’ Compromise (because you hate it) to a small ‘j’ joy or to a capital ‘J’ Joy (because you love it). Or you might, for example, try sex for the first time and hate it. But after some more sex that might change from a small ‘c’ compromise or a capital ‘C’ Compromise (because you hate it) to a small ‘j’ joy or a capital ‘J’ Joy (because you love it)…
Compromise is not good or bad in itself.
“…The course of true love never did run smooth…”
What did you study in university?
Small ‘c’ compromise is fine because I love to be happy.
Of course I’ve put up with capital ‘C’ Compromise. Then I tend to expect it to be rare. It makes me unhappy. Why live unhappily – if we can make things right?
Compromise can turn into Joy if 1) it makes someone happy and 2) making someone happy makes you happy too.
Congratulations Ferns for your great Masocast interview and for this post too.
Thank you, Satan.
“Compromise is not good or bad in itself.”
I think compromise is necessary and good in relationships. I just think that recognising when it’s *too much* and saying ‘no’ when that point is reached can be tricky.
“Compromise can turn into Joy if 1) it makes someone happy and 2) making someone happy makes you happy too.”
Yes! And this is one of the (many) reasons why I like submissive men, because there *is* that. My tolerance for compromise is low, I expect his to be much higher. That works out well for both of us.
But there’s still a line which, when crossed, will lead to unhappiness.
“Of course I’ve put up with capital ‘C’ Compromise… It makes me unhappy. Why live unhappily – if we can make things right?”
No reason. You should fix it!
Thank you Ferns,
First I wanted to have a good heart and to love a woman with a good heart. I never meant to but I went with a horrible woman. That was very thrilling and dangerous. I went through a patch of worrying if I was more attracted to horrible women. That would be horrible! I am not. A good heart is hot.
I’m still wondering what you studied in the big school.
“What did you study in university?”
Oh, I missed this one. I have a degree in teaching (English & Geography) and one in IT.
This does not mean I know anything about either of those things…
This post touched a nerve for me, but not because it isn’t true, or valid. Quite the contrary, it speaks volumes on the failure of my last relationship.
The issue at hand was that after some 12 years of a committed relationship, my partner decided that it was time for her to “evolve”, as she put it, and as the one who did most of the compromising, my part was to “deal with it”. The basic rules of engagement, that we had agreed on, were changing, but I thought that if I gave up enough ground, the situation would eventually seek it’s own level and I could learn to accept the “new normal”. Keeping the relationship alive was, far more important to me than being happy.
“But I love her” was what I reminded myself over and over again as I jumped down the rabbit hole of compromise, in the hope of salvaging something out of a relationship that I invested so much in.
In the end, we wound up as a couple of miserable strangers, glaring at each other from our separate rooms. The saddest cut of all came one morning, when she told me that a “real man” would have stood up to her.
That was the morning I left… Lesson learned.
Oh, that’s such a sad and difficult story, I’m so sorry you went through that.
It’s so easy to lose sight of ourselves when we are in the middle of emotional turmoil. I think that when a relationship you want to keep is slipping away, giving more and more is almost an instinct.
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal.
Lesson learned indeed.
Hello Miss Ferns,
” . . . Because they are told over and over to consider their submissive’s wants and needs, to not be ‘that bad uncaring dominant’. Couple that with a few decades of social conditioning to be nice and undemanding, and you have women who try to be ‘good dominants’/’good people’/’good girlfriends’ by compromising on *everything*.”
That’s interesting. Do you know, I always thought that to be true, but female dominants I’ve known have always said that it’s not true of *them*.
I always did detect a note of too much protestation, though.
“Do you know, I always thought that to be true, but female dominants I’ve known have always said that it’s not true of *them*.”
Well there are many who have never struggled with any of that (ditto with submissive men, vanilla women… anyone).
The reason I focussed on Dommes is because I frequently hear from new Dommes who are trying to figure things out, and I wanted to point out that they aren’t the only ones. I think there is plenty of ‘submissives, protect yourselves’ information out there with hard limits and negotiations and all that, but not a lot about dominant women being encouraged to draw the line.
Thank you for this empowering message, Ferns!
I am one of those new female dominants with several decades of ‘nice and undemanding’ social conditioning and a total ‘good person’ complex, and let’s not even talk about the complicated Catholic heritage of self-sacrifice and spiritual gratification from giving of oneself out of love. (No point in denying the truth, Sir Pup! Although my ego insists that there is nothing *wrong* with a phlegmatic disposition, or seeing adaptability as a strength, or enjoying bringing happiness to others.) Therefore, the easiest way for me to think about this is that always conceding to make the other partner happy in the short term will eventually fuck up both partners’ chances for long term happiness – even or maybe even especially where *both* partners are busily compromising away their own happiness (as much as I liked O. Henry’s The Gift of the Magi).
I see where this approach is still prioritizing the other person’s happiness and the relationship’s longevity, with my refusal to over-compromise becoming merely a means to an end, so perhaps it is in fact subverting your message, and yet another example of the insidious effects of the principle that selfish = bad. Perhaps I am Exhibit A.
In any case, I second DomDomme’s excellent point that doing this well requires not only knowing what level of compromise makes me happy, but also having a sophisticated understanding of What I Want. I don’t claim to have a perfect handle on either, but I recall strongly identifying with something you once said in an interview with Dishevelled Domina, Ferns, which is that you want to have your way on everything you care about, but that there is conveniently a lot you just don’t care about. I remember reading that and having a little epiphany, thinking, “Huh, so being easy going is NOT a fatal flaw for a supposedly dominant woman? Sweet!” I guess that the pervasive ‘nice and undemanding’ conditioning is more or less invisible, compared to the more overt pressure I have felt, as a new Domme, to be as mean and demanding as possible.
Gah, thinking about the philosophy of selfishness is a headache! I’m going to just go stare at the line of big red text in this post and feel empowered.
Lol, I swear I wrote this before listening to that podcast, (in which you say that you like hearing from new Dommes that you helped them realize they don’t have to fit Femdom stereotypes).
*laugh* I believe you! Too funny!
I recall strongly identifying with something you once said in an interview with Dishevelled Domina, Ferns, which is that you want to have your way on everything you care about, but that there is conveniently a lot you just don’t care about.
*nod* I think there is an assumption that a dominant is ‘supposed’ to control or manage *everything*, but yes, I think I *am* easy going (others might disagree). If I don’t care, it’s not only ‘do what you want’, but also ‘you make the decision, and I will go with it’.
“I’m going to just go stare at the line of big red text in this post and feel empowered.”
Sometimes life foces you into to compromises. Like a car accident. My dominant was in a car accident which left her with chronic pain. That means that sex (and D/s) got put on indefinite hiatus. I couldn’t even hug her. So, boom, suddenly life throws you a big, gigantic, capital, bolded, and underlined C. I wanted to be supportive of my partner so I stayed in the relationship and compromised on what I wanted out of it. A lot of the time I was miserable, but I felt that it didn’t matter compared to what she felt. Not compromising would have made me feel like a horrible person for running way when things got tough.
It’s just not easy to work out.
Your tale is as sad as it is inspiring. I notice that when things get tough a lot of people are stronger than they think. Thank you.
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is.
My post is about ‘normal’ every day circumstances: I was not considering extraordinary situations like the one you are in.
You are right, it’s not easy to work out.
I wish you and your partner the very best in dealing with it as best you can, and I hope things get better for you both.
I avoided reading this post for a day or two because I feared it would hit too close to home for me.
After reading it, I’m wondering whether I’m okay or if there’s something I’m missing about myself and my relationship… if I’m one of the rationalizers you mentioned — I sure I am to some degree (as we all are, to varying degrees).
“keeping the relationship can become *more important than being happy*. For some people ‘being in the relationship’ trumps everything.”
This is one of the main reasons why I’m not an advocate of “forever love.” For too many people, “forever love” ends up being more about “forever” than it is about “love.”
My goal is to be happy. If I can compromise and still be happy, great. If not, then I’ll move on.
Funny, I suspected it might be subtly aimed in my direction, so I read it right away.
I nearly always think that Miss Ferns’s blogs are subtly aimed at me, except when they’re about shoes, when I know for certain that they aren’t.
Yes but this one is aimed at me.
I’ll bet you think this post is about you…
Although that one is about me, I don’t think it is.
That is, I don’t think that that one is about me, as much as Lord P thinks that it’s about him!
“After reading it, I’m wondering whether I’m okay or if there’s something I’m missing about myself and my relationship”
I’d say that if you are happy, you aren’t.
“My goal is to be happy. If I can compromise and still be happy, great. If not, then I’ll move on.”
Yes! Seems so simple!
This is certainly something I’ve been guilty of in the past, letting keeping the ‘relationship’ be more important than my happiness.
I think it’s easy to compromise away your happiness in a thousand little bits. Each one is insignificant and you can live without it but you can’t live without ALL of them. Each one comes up individually, trivially, and you let it go and before you know it…bang you’re unhappy.
I should probably think about that a lot more than I do.
“I think it’s easy to compromise away your happiness in a thousand little bits. Each one is insignificant and you can live without it but you can’t live without ALL of them.”
YES! I think this happens a lot. You aren’t going to argue over the small things, so ‘giving in’ is often just easier and doesn’t seem like such a big deal.
Until you’ve done it 20, 50, 100 times. And ‘how many times’ is a nebulous number. I think you often don’t know it’s ‘too many’ until, as you say, you wake up one morning and realise how unhappy you are.
This is a very thought provoking post. What you say is true. Unfortunately there are few easy solutions.
No doubt if you give up on your own needs and desires you will be unhappy in a relationship. To thine own self be true. But you have to keep the needs and desires of your partner clearly in mind also. As if that were not a difficult enough balance to maintain life often throws us curve balls that challenge even the strongest and most committed relationships.
Certainly if you find out early in a relationship that a partner is selfish and unwilling to compromise it is time to cut bait and move on. In order for a relationship to stand the test of time BOTH partners must be willing to compromise regardless of considerations like who is dominant and who is submissive. As you previously stated, these questions are just as relevant to vanilla relationships as they are to D/s relationships. At the end of the day both people are stake holders in the relationship regardless of what role(s) they are playing.
It is very hard to find a relationship that has everything we want need or desire. Part of the problem is that people change over time. What we thought we wanted when we were 25 can change by the time we reach 50. If we have been with the same partner for that length of time you can be sure there has been some serious compromising from both sides along the way.
How serious is our relationship? Are we thinking of marriage? Are we going to bring children into the mix? Once you get into those sorts of considerations the relationship is no longer just about your happiness. Other people now have a stake in the relationship and big responsibilities are now part of something that used to be just about two people loving each other.
I enjoyed reading the example put forward by the poster who’s partner was in a car accident. Human decency dictates he stay by her side even though all his needs are probably not being met. But how long can a situation like that continue with no foreseeable end in sight? Life can make things very complicated.
In my experience compromise is a constant ongoing process that must continue at the same we are ensuring our needs are being met in a relationship. In my relationship with Her Majesty I am always advocating for my own needs and desires while listening to her, maintaining an ongoing awareness of where she is coming from and trying my best to meet her needs as well. All the while circumstances beyond our control arise from our everyday lives as if trying their best to knock our relationship off course. Its a delicate balance and an ongoing dance. We can never rest on our laurels and say; “we have finally achieved happiness!” Happiness is not a state of being. Rather it is a constant ongoing process.
Thanks for asking such profound and probing questions! You really got me thinking before my second cup of coffee! :-)
Yes and its tougher than people think being a Royal.
The Prince of Darkness
Very true Satan. And you should know! ;-)
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I think you are right about complexities, and I do think compromise is necessary. ‘How much’ is something every individual has to figure out for themselves.
“Once you get into those sorts of considerations the relationship is no longer just about your happiness.”
I agree that people’s lives are not *just* about their own individual happiness. Everyone makes decisions about what they can and will live with based on any number of factors.
And to clarify, I am really not addressing the outlying cases, such as the tragic one the poster above shared.
In the ‘average’ partnered situation, couples making compromises because they have responsibilities is very different from one-sided compromise where one party’s concessions to the other make them unhappy.
To me, then, the question really becomes “At what level of misery does one say ‘enough’?”
I know a few very unhappy couples. I am not inside their relationships, so who knows how that happened, but for them, the answer seems to be ‘There is no level of misery that is ‘too much’: we will be miserable in this unhappy relationship until one of us is dead’.
“In my experience compromise is a constant ongoing process that must continue at the same we are ensuring our needs are being met in a relationship.”
That sounds really healthy. Unfortunately, I think some people lose sight of the ‘ensuring our needs are being met’ part.
I think that in a committed relationship the difference between small c compromises and big C Compromises is whether or not your partner is acknowledging your needs.
I once ended up making a Compromise with a previous Dom about morning showers. A previous apartment of mine has a limited amount of hot water available in the morning, and my Dom/boyfriend liked taking long hot showers. At the time when we took showers together I would sit on the shower floor while he finished showering before finishing my own shower. After the second or third time of being left in a cold shower with shampoo still in my hair I told him that this really wasn’t working for me and suggested maybe I should shower first so we can both have access to the hot water.
“Why should you shower first?” he asked defensively, and I tried to tell him that since he took longer showers him showering first meant that I would be left with no hot water to take my shower.
“Why should you get the first shower?” he would ask defensively, and I tried to explain to him that since he took longer showers than me if I shower first we both can get some of the hot water where as if he showers first I don’t get any. What I ultimately ended up doing was finished my shower quickly before he got up to take a shower, and telling him not to get in the shower yet if I wasn’t finished washing my hair. The ironic thing about that was that I would have actually been OK with this compromise if we had discussed it first. If he had acknowledged that we both needed the hot water and that it was in limited supply then I would have been happy with the agreement, but since we hadn’t discussed it first what I was doing wasn’t a compromise it was a defense mechanism. This defense mechanism ultimately led me to deciding that I didn’t want him to spend the night on weeknights because of the conflict that would happen in the morning.
Yes EsotericNonsense, “…I think that in a committed relationship the difference between small c compromises and big C Compromises is whether or not your partner is acknowledging your needs…” I think so too. I’m horrified that your Ex was in your previous apartment when he would not see that. And what was he doing all that time in the shower?
“the difference between small c compromises and big C Compromises is whether or not your partner is acknowledging your needs.”
Not just acknowledging your needs, but doing a level of *meeting them* that is enough for your happiness.
That situation with your ex sounds like it was really frustrating and he seems like he was being a selfish jerk. Ugh.
“Yes but this one is aimed at me.”
Poppycock. Whenever Miss Ferns writes a blog, it’s about me. This is because I am Miss Ferns’s most handsome male contributor, as well as being the most cultured and debonair.
I hope that this clears up this little matter.
No no no Sir P., you are talking Poppycock! This is certainly not a little matter! You have failed to clear it up!
I do believe that this needs to be resolved with some baby oil, a blow up bath, and nude wrestling.
Puppy vs Satan.
I’m not sure I can watch.
Just kidding, I’m videoing the whole thing.
Thank you so much Ferns. I am sure that baby oil, a blow up bath and nude wrestling are all part of the normal day’s business in The House of Lords. But this is not The House of Lords. Do you know what Sir P said to me? He said Poppycock! I regard this matter as not resolvable.
For long term relationships – THIS is what ruins them over time.
I think this is one of your more important posts EVER.
“I love him/her, and they do so much…..so what if they don’t do this, like that or can handle something else I swore I would never do without….”
That. It is a killer.
You are a wise woman.
*smile* Thanks MistressKimm.
I think you’re spot-on with the killer thought process.
It’s okay, really it is… until it’s not okay any more. And it’s really difficult to come back from there.
Being alone, choosing to be alone by ending a relationship, especially one in which there is a lot of good things but that something is missing. Is really hard. At least hard for me. Judging by how many of us gradually become shackled in a spiral of unhappiness, it’s hard for many.