The long distance thing

I had my first Long Distance Relationship (LDR) before I even got onto the big bad world wide web.

Well, technically I had two before that, but this was the first one that started as an LDR in the way they do now, with some random contact down the wire.

I was in my mid-twenties, working for a large corporation. I happened to get my photo in the corporate newsletter (I seem to remember we were inspecting some private jet, I have no recollection why I was invited along for that!), and after the newsletter came out, I got an email out of the blue from some man in my company who lived in another city in Australia. I can’t remember exactly what it said now, but it was flirty, and along the lines of ‘Wow, you look gorgeous, hello there!’

A long distance email flirtation led to phone calls led to romantic interest and when I went to his city for work, we had our first date. It didn’t go well at all, but I felt that I *knew* him due to our correspondence, so how he behaved wasn’t the ‘real him’. So I gave him a pass.

Lesson 1 I learnt over time: No matter how charming, lovely, sweet, or sensitive a man is remotely, if he is a jerk in real life, that’s the *real him*! Duh! It’s not rocket science, but honestly, for me it may as well have been.

I ended up moving to his city (not for him, but for a job promotion) and so, my first LDR led to a relationship that I like to affectionately call ‘the relationship from hell’.

I was not in a great position of strength, what with a new job, new city, new home, no friends, and on top of it all, this terribly unhealthy blossoming relationship. I expect my isolation led to me making poor decisions with regard to him (I refuse to believe that I was just stupid!). What I learnt of him from a distance had me making excuses for his poor behaviour close up, and it took me ages to untangle that mess in my head and get him out of my life.

Since that early experience, I have gotten better at LDRs, and despite my best efforts, I seem to be the queen of them. Whether it’s 3 hours away or 24 hours away, it seems I cannot stay away from the remote boys, and I will go to great expense and effort to make them mine.

  • At 20, my first love and I tried to keep our relationship alive after a move that separated us.
  • Soon after that, I had an ongoing casual fling with a man an hour away from me.
  • The relationship from hell started as an LDR.
  • My UK ex and I tried to continue our relationship from a distance after I moved back home.
  • I had a thing with a Canadian boy I met while travelling.
  • My first live-in submissive started as an LDR.
  • Snowflake was an LDR.
  • My ex boy was an LDR.
  • Richie, though only a casual play partner, also LDR.

And recently another try with e… yet again…

And in those, I am not counting the few lovely, rich, and hopeless remote-only relationships I had in between times (I mentioned Angus briefly here on the blog).

My penchant for boys who do not live near to me seems… almost fetishistic.

I have met all of my submissives on the internet, so that means that geography is not an issue for finding them, and truly, I just like what I like. If someone zings at me, I want at them, and I think that anything in the way can be dealt with, but as I say that, all cocky-like, experience has shown that I have not yet successfully dealt with it. That doesn’t mean that the relationships were not worthwhile, it simply means that distance had a part to play in many of the endings.

With my ex boy, I fought the attraction with a vengeance, I didn’t want to go there again. I knew it was ultimately pointless because at that stage neither of us was relocatable. I am not sorry I went into the relationship, not at all, but I swore that I would not do that again: enter into something where there can be no happy ending. The happy ever after has to be *possible*. As unlikely as it is for *any* relationship, I need to know that it’s possible.

I am in a position to relocate now, so there IS that possibility of an LDR having a happy ending. If I find someone remote from me, we have options. And yet, distance is still a huge barrier to the likelihood of success and really I should be avoiding those men who aren’t local if it’s at all possible.

If only the submissive men that I find so damn appealing weren’t so geographically inconvenient.

I blame them, of course.


Stupid selfish boys.

Loves: 4
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  1. Oh Miss Ferns,

    What about these boys who, for some immensely frustrating reason, only get attracted to women who live oceans away?

  2. Miss Ferns,

    I think remote relationships have a special appeal because the exploration phase of the love affair is so much longer and intricate. In real life, *boom* you see the person (or the jerk) right away, with no preamble.

    LDRs can be deliciously languid and seductive :)

    1. “…the exploration phase of the love affair is so much longer and intricate.”

      I agree, and that’s quite sweet for me. I obviously love the written word, and there can be immense pleasure for me in that style of ‘getting to know you’. It suits me very well, and I don’t think I can be with someone who can’t relate to me that way.

      But I do that even with local boys I find on the internet. I don’t meet straight away, I want that kind of exchange first to see if there is potential.

      But then, you see, after that comes the hard part…

      You meet, and it’s amazing, and then the distance becomes frustrating and depressing and sad, and you find yourself sitting on skype all day, or something. It’s no way to live your life.

      Unless it is. For some people, that’s enough and all power to them.

      For me, it’s not enough. I want visceral, mind blowing physical passion and cuddling and hand holding and dinners out and drunken dancing and kissing, of course I want kissing.

      So now I am relocatable, and I have an action plan should I fall for one of these stupid selfish boys, but it’s still a significant obstacle, involves expense, has higher risk etc etc… I would never choose it on purpose. That’s crazy-talk!


  3. It makes sense to shield your heart until you think that you know. But I can’t wait to meet up close.

    Then take things slow.

    I’m just saying.


    1. I assume you are saying that you make contact and then meet very quickly? I think that works best for a lot of people (not for me, though). And sometimes it’s just not possible.


  4. Interesting. I’m the exact opposite. I can never stay interested long enough to go from chatting casually to anything more serious. I need in person to feel the zing. Even with my boy…we met online and chatted for nearly a month, but no zing till we finally met and I could look into his eyes.

    1. It is interesting, but not surprising. Everyone is different.

      For me, if he can’t get into my head with zing-worthy conversation that makes my eyes light up and sparks my imagination, then I’m not interested. I need to be *itching* to reply to him because I find it so endlessly and effortlessly fascinating. If I find the chat boring, or hard work, or uninspiring, then I *know* that in person, he’s not going to be able to give me what I need.


  5. Perhaps the attractive part of the distance is that there is always the safety of home to which one can retreat…

    Or perhaps its a good reason to travel…

    Or perhaps the heart simply doesn’t understand linear distance…

    1. *smile* Or all three.

      As I was writing this post, I was pondering the possibility that I am subconsciously avoiding commitment, or at least, making it so much work that the relationship has to ‘prove itself worthwhile’ by having all these barriers that must be navigated.

      The third is the most romantic and I love that, but I think some people who think of it that way enter into LDRs because it is *easier* in many ways: they can let their imagination run wild with the perfection of it etc, *especially* if there are no concrete plans to bring it into RL. I do think some have ‘issues’ with real life relationships for whatever reason, and an LDR can be something of a cop-out if you will.

      I will have to think a bit more about that.


  6. Interesting experience. To me it’s also opposite – I need the person there, never could make long distance relationships work for long. They are too tough. Everything remote is just not real… Kudos to people who make it.

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