I’ve never pretended that I was perfect, that would fool no-one, but mostly, I make smart and considered decisions, I am thoughtful, I think about consequences for me and mine, and I try to handle myself and situations ‘for the best’ for all concerned.
I generally have good judgement and exercise it well.
Recently, I failed miserably at this and caused a lot of unnecessary pain and anger for a boy I care for very much.
I looked at a situation and went against my better judgement to make an utterly selfish and thoughtless decision for no reason other than … Continue Reading “Sometimes, I suck”
I have, in the last 7 months, formed a close and very sweet and affectionate bond with a submissive remote from me.
I joined Second Life to explore what it was about. I had time on my hands, I was emotionally wrung out, I was curious, I was skeptical.
I talked to a lot of people there, it is like a series of chat rooms, with pictures… I didn’t ‘get’ SL D/s, but I was curious enough to see if I could make something of it.
With full disclosure that I was using him as an experiment, that there was … Continue Reading “Car crash”
I watch him hurting and I can’t fix it.
Sometimes I make it worse with a thoughtless comment or a passing throwaway that cuts him, I don’t even realise I have pierced his skin until I see the blood seeping quietly from the wound, until I see him backing slowly away from me. He retires to a corner to lick it, silently curled up into himself, I imagine an accusatory look being thrown my way from his periphery. There is nothing I can do to help, which is a different kind of hurt, a selfish kind maybe, I don’t know.… Continue Reading “From outside”
He worries about me from over there, across the ocean… I eat badly and don’t sleep… He expresses it gently, quietly, persistently… *worry worry*… It is sweet, this concerned caring.
I tell him, then, to order me a salad online for my lunch, something that allows him to contribute to looking after me, to extend that concern in a practical way. The salad bar is downstairs from my work… the choices are endless and relentlessly healthy: fresh greens, spinach, snow peas, carrots, artichokes, baby corns, green beans, tomatoes, olives, jalapenos, chicken, tuna, different dressings… I tell him he can … Continue Reading “Order my lunch”