I’ve never pretended that I was perfect, that would fool no-one, but mostly, I make smart and considered decisions, I am thoughtful, I think about consequences for me and mine, and I try to handle myself and situations ‘for the best’ for all concerned.
I generally have good judgement and exercise it well.
Recently, I failed miserably at this and caused a lot of unnecessary pain and anger for a boy I care for very much.
I looked at a situation and went against my better judgement to make an utterly selfish and thoughtless decision for no reason other than ‘because I wanted it’.
We like, in the fantasy worlds, to pretend that Dommes get what they want. Now you and I know that’s not true, that’s the fantasy and doesn’t reflect what happens in the real world.
In the real world, if I am trusted with making decisions, if I know he will follow me, I have to make good ones… even if those decisions don’t get me what I want.
Sometimes making the right decision makes me feel like a petulant child not getting the lollipop that I want and that I can see just *there*, that I can reach out and touch, that I can get if I just pretend that there are no consequences, just this once, surely, just this once, I can just grab it and and…
The worst of it in this case was that I *knew* it was a bad decision and I did it anyway. What is that?! Who does that?! I just wanted it, that’s all… *insert petulant pouting and sulky defiance here*
The fallout is my fault. Completely and utterly my fault.
Sometimes, I get it wrong, we all do, we make mistakes, we do dumb stuff. But I rarely get it wrong on purpose, I hardly ever make a decision that I know, really, is the wrong one, deliberately ignore the completely predictable consequences, because that’s kind of stupid and hugely selfish, and mostly, I am not stupid and not that selfish.
I am normally better than that, but yeah, sometimes, I just suck.